An American in Australia

Goodbye Rebel Youth

2010-08-26T08:26:00.002+10:00

When I was 18, I made a decision that brought a certain something into my life...

For the past 16 years, this thing has been my constant companion through all the ups and downs of late teens/20s/early 30s. It has traveled to Asia, South America, Central America, Europe and throughout North America with me. It has been witnesses to puppy love, break ups, moves across states, new friends, weddings, and moves to other countries.

It saw high school graduation, college graduation and law school graduation, 2am nights out on the town, and 2am nights stuck at work.

But, due to a minor procedure that I have to have done tomorrow, I finally had to say goodbye.

So, goodbye dear belly button ring. Goodbye my rebel youth! Thank you for the memories...

PS. Upon removal of the ring, hubby's first comment was, "You have a really deep belly button!" So, I put down the carton of double fudge ice cream and got on the treadmill....

Laundry Day

2010-02-25T15:40:00.007+11:00

Today is laundry day.

Which is not usually the best day in the world.

But then the laundry fairies came, and left me something...

in amongst the clean laundry...

Can you see it?

Can you see it now (the little devil)...

Oh my, such a trying day for a little doggy.

A Valentine's Day Love Story

2010-02-16T12:09:00.014+11:00

Once upon a time, a boy from Australia...

met a girl from California.

They spent many hours writing emails and talking on the phone. But it wasn't enough.

So the boy from Australia headed out to California, so he could see the girl again. And the ups outweighed the downs...

So the girl from California got a job transfer, packed her bags, and moved to the other side of the world (showing strength in the face of potential giant spider attacks).

They did lots of fun things together. Like canyoning in the Blue Mountains....

horseback riding in New Zealand....

and even a Lakers game in Los Angeles.

They were awfully silly together...

and so they fell in love.

But just the 2 of them didn't feel quite right.

And neither did just 3...

So one day the boy from Australia and the girl from California decided to take one more trip...

where they made their family of 4 official.

And they lived happily ever after.

Why Australians don't need Halloween.

2009-12-02T13:19:00.003+11:00

I think I may have mentioned before that Halloween is not really a holiday that Australians as a whole embrace. Oh, you do see the random plastic pumpkin display at the local supermarkets, and on the day you might see a stream of partially costumed college-aged kids heading down to the local pub....but on the whole, its not common.

Its really an American holiday I'm told.

I never could understand this. Halloween is one of the best holidays out there! I mean, what's not to like? You get to dress however you want (without being mocked, for once in your life. I mean, one year I was one half of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and I was cool. Now I'm not even cool in my regular clothes.) How often do you get to say that?

Oh, and did I forget to mention the candy? The candy! As a kid, there's nothing better than staying up late with a sugar rush. Oh man....the memories.

Anyway, I have FINALLY figured out why Australians don't need Halloween. And it is because of this:

"Fancy-dress" Christmas parties.

In other words, Australians love themselves a good THEME!

Office Christmas Party 2009. Just might beat out Halloween every time.

-KLo

PS - Bedraggled "fruit basket hat" for whoever can guess what we were!

Thank you for your patience. We will now return to our regularly scheduled broadcasting.

2009-12-01T14:07:00.003+11:00

Hi there.

Its me.

Miss me?

I've missed you. And you look good. I mean, really, really GOOD. Have you gotten your hair done? A personal trainer?

Well, something sure has changed.

Me?

Oh, me. I'm fine.

Married now.

Yep, can you believe it? Me? Married! I'm someone's wife. Yes, it is odd. Thank you for pointing that out.

No, I haven't tried the "barefoot and pregnant" thing yet. You'll be the first to know.

Well, it was nice catching up with you.

Thanks for popping by.

Excuse me? What was that? Oh! Yes! As a matter of fact, I do come here often, so maybe I'll see you around here again soon.

[Hugs and kisses]

KLo

Just one thing to say....

2009-04-08T09:02:00.000+10:00

My beloved JL went to work today without any pants.

The end.

I love me a theme....

2009-04-02T22:52:00.008+11:00

Valentines Day (Breakfast)

St Patricks Day (Green beer)

New Year's Eve (Mexican Style)

Not. O.K.

2009-03-24T16:38:00.003+11:00

Dear Five Fingered Shoe Wearer,

This.....

is NOT OK.

There was a reason we dragged ourselves out of the primordial ooze and onto dry land all those millenia ago.... And it wasn't to wear these. Really.

Sincerely,

Ms. K

It could be worse

2009-02-06T15:45:00.002+11:00

Work doesn't hurt quite so bad, when this is the view from your office window....

Happy Friday!

Excuses, excuses

2009-01-22T11:49:00.002+11:00

So here they are..... (the excuses I have for not blogging for, oh, I don't know, a really long time):

1. We got robbed. Yup. The lucky ducks got both our computers (including my brand new Mac Book (*sob*)), our stereo, both our IPods, John's passport, some cash AND our camera. And I found subsequently that it is very hard to blog (1) without a computer and (2) without a camera (cause as you know, I am a fantastic photographer.)

2. I started a new job, and have been working a LOT. But still....waaaaayyy better than my last job.

3. I have nothing interesting to say. The dogs chewed up all my knitting, and my sewing machine is still in its box. The garden is dying (damn scale) AND I don't know nothin' about politics.

So there you have it. But I vow to write again....soon....well, someday.

-K

Chinese Charm Bag: Part II

2008-11-11T11:32:00.016+11:00

And she's finally done! Though I have to give my sister even more props, cause this thing was HARD for me to put together. I can't remember the last time I sewed anything - I think I might have been 8 or so (I sewed my own barbie clothes. I'm sure they were fabulous.) and this required me to sew together the lining and then sew it into the bag. I had to do it all by hand, but I think it turned out OK. Not great mind you, but I think it makes it look more handmade (or so I'm going to tell myself). And, since its a present for my future sister-in-law, and she has been very well raised, she'll probably flatter it enough that I'll walk away thinking its a work of art.

But then I'll always have this post to look back on to bring me back down to earth!

Anyway, without further ado, here is my version of the Chinese Charm Bag - TA DA:

And in other news, I made Nigella's Old Fashione d Chocolate Cake this weekend. And boy was it good.

So good in fact, that this is all that is left....

It goes without saying that I haven't been on the scale this week. **Sigh**

Marathon

2008-11-10T08:54:00.002+11:00

I completed a marathon yesterday....

A sleeping marathon.

I slept for 12 hours.

It was.......AWESOME.

3 cheers for semi-retirement (and Australia's incredibly slow visa approval process).

The World According to Chops and Tilly

2008-11-09T09:44:00.011+11:00

1. Even one little patch of sunlight is enough.

2. Vegetables are good!

3. Anything can be a toy.

4. You might fight with your family....

5. But you love them anyway!

Saturday in Sydney

2008-11-08T23:11:00.003+11:00

[Early morning, at the homestead:]

7:15 am: Wake up to a dog laying across my face and pawing at my pillow. Try to move dog over only to find that I have accidentally moved my face into dog tongue range. Sputter and gasp as wet dog slobber drips down my neck.

7:17 am: Realize that if I don't get up right now I will soon be lying in another type of dog fluid. Roll out of bed and curse at dog that there is a reason we put in a doggie door.

7:19 am: Wonder if I can go back to sleep.

7:20 am: Realize that is impossible. Yell at JL to get up right now, the dogs need to be walked.

7:25 am: Grumble because JL wants to take a shower(!) before heading to the dog park. Cleanliness is next to godliness, only on Sunday, I say.

7:45 am: Complain because JL is taking the garbage out when we should be leaving to take the dogs out right now. Am surprised by JL's negative reaction and his assertion that at least he is taking the garbage out. Like that's any big whoop (he does it every day - what, I'm supposed to jump up for joy every morning?).

7:50 am: Finally leave for the dog park. Apologize to JL on the way over.

[A little later, back at the homestead:]

10:40 am: JL suggests that he leave his work for a little bit to take me to a shop I've been wanting to go to so that I can get some Christmas decorations. I happily accept.

10:45 am: Get annoyed because JL has to go to the bathroom before we go.

11:00 am: Leave for shop that I want to go to. Yell at JL because he missed the turn and now its going to take an extra 15 minutes to get there.

11:01 am: Wonder if I should up my meds, but quickly shake that off. This is clearly not my problem. I was not the one that took the wrong turn.

11:15 am: Arrive at shop. Apologize to JL for being short tempered.

[That afternoon, at the grocery store:]

5:25 pm: Walking down the aisle in the grocery store. Notice JL glance over at the batteries and slow the cart down - quickly give him that look because there is no way we need more batteries and why does he always have to stockpile them; batteries and light bulbs - he could start his own dang hardware store.

5:25 and 15 seconds: JL sees look and immediately steps up the pace.

5:30 am: Apologize to JL and tell him that he can buy as many batteries as he wants. One can never have enough batteries (but still feel at bit smug because for once we are going to get out of the store without any more batteries).

[A little later, still in the grocery store:]

6:10 pm: Am breathing a sigh of relief because we are finally in the dairy aisle which means we are almost done shopping. Ask JL if we should get cream to serve with the chocolate cake that I am making for lunch with friends tomorrow. He says that he doesn't need it. HE DOESN'T NEED IT. Totally lose it and say that I didn't invite these people over - he did! And now he has to work all weekend so I have to do all the cooking and the cleaning and all I want is a little dialogue (yes, I said dialogue) about what we should serve HIS friends that HE invited over, and really, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. JL looks at me like I've got a head full of venomous snakes (i.e., fearful, very fearful) and carefully apologizes.

6:15 am: Apologize to JL for overreacting.

6:21 am: In the checkout line. Unloading the groceries I find that another package of batteries HAS SOMEHOW MANAGED TO FIND ITS WAY INTO OUR SHOPPING CART. Look at JL and find that I am plenty satisfied by the fear of God in his eyes. Wonder to myself what could possibly have caused that?

Whoops I did it again....

2008-11-06T11:01:00.010+11:00

Yes, I have. I have done it again.

In pure K-style, I have once again almost cut off a finger....I'm totally cool like that. Luckily JL rushed home from work to assist me (in stopping the bleeding) and now it just looks like this:

On the up side, I didn't have to cook dinner after that (we got take-out Thai....yummmm) but it has made me even slower in both the typing and knitting arena. But don't you fret yourself - I'm forging ahead as usual.

I think JL may be putting a moratorium on my use of sharp implements, especially since the great New Year's blender incident.

In other news, I am officially a Ravelry gal now. I've already used it to find other knitty types that live in the lower north shore of Sydney so I'm pretty psyched. Oh, and no, it does not escape my notice that I am psyched about something that involves yarn, but there you have it. Frankly, I think I just like the excuse to sit a lot....

And FINALLY, there is good news on the visa front. Everything has been put in to the immigration department and there are high hopes that I might be able to start work on Monday. It'll be good to be getting a paycheck again, but I have to say, I'm going to miss all the time at home. Not that I do much that is worthwhile but I have got a decent amount of knitting done, I get to spend a lot of time with the dogs, I learned to sell stuff on ebay (I'm getting that durn wedding dress if it kills me!) AND yesterday I made these:

Sweet.

Oh, and I totally recognize that Halloween was like, ummm, a week ago, but for those of you that have been the lucky recipients of my Christmas cards....in February...you know this is actually quite timely for me. Plus, they are so ARTFULLY RENDERED it really isn't important when exactly they were made (hahahah....sheesh).

And just for fun....here is my very artistic rendition of JL. I call it "On the Weekend". Love the polka dots/stripes combo baby!

[Apologies for the fuzzy photos. I'm a very good photog too, doncha know.]

She might be cute, but she sure ain't smart

2008-11-04T09:19:00.003+11:00

JL and I came home from grocery shopping on Saturday night to find this:

[My knitting wrapped around the chair legs]

[Yeah another view - how is this possible?]

[Oh, I see now.....]

Chinese Charm Bag: Part 1

2008-10-30T10:11:00.007+11:00

Two Christmases ago, my little sister gave me a lovely hand-knit bag. It was from a pattern in "Stitch-n-Bitch - The Knitter's Handbook". I loved it so much, I decided to make one for my (future) sister-in-law for Christmas this year. It was really easy, just a simple garter stitch knit in the round. So easy in fact, that I cast on yesterday, and bound off today! And I loved loved loved the yarn, so it was pretty fun too (which is always a good thing). I still have to put it together (i.e, put on handles, and a lining), and today I found an online shop that sells Japanese silk remnants. I got a whole load of beautiful silk fabrics for so little money (but now, of course, I am going to be knitting Chinese Charm Bags for like the next 9 years)....

Anywhoo, here is Chops modeling the completed knitting portion of the bag (doesn't she look happy?):

Pattern: "Stitch-n-Bitch - The Knitter's Handbook", p. 169, Sylvia Mahoney's Chinese Charm Bag

Yarn: Noro, Silk Garden, 1.5 50 gram skeins

Needles: US10 circular

As an aside, I just got back from driving myself to and from the doctor's office - BY MYSELF! And I didn't even hit anything!

Don't forget to scrub behind your ears!

2008-10-28T14:26:00.009+11:00

As you can see, I finally finished my facecloths (washcloths if you are American). I don't think you can tell in this photo, but the brown Debbie Bliss yarn (being a little bit thicker than the Jo Sharp yarns) made a slightly larger cloth so they could possibly benefit from blocking. But eh....they're just for us so I won't bother. (Plus they are made to get wet so what's the point anyway?) I do love the way the colors turned out though.

On a slightly related note, JL and I have been on a bit of a home improvement kick. It all started with a new lamp for the bedroom. Once we got the new lamp, the room (of course) had to be rearranged to show it off to maximum effect. Then my shoes needed to be organized (because, the closet is right next to the new lamp, doncha know), and then my jewelry and pictures, and then the madness seeped into the office and the bathroom. Next thing I knew I was buying a fake plant for the bathroom counter. Its pretty cute though if I do say so myself.

The lamp that started it all.

The new bathroom plant - yes, I'm now that girl.

And on a totally unrelated note, check out this week's flowers from JL**! The yellow was just what I needed to brighten my mood!

**For those of you that don't know, my lovely fiancee gives me flowers pretty much every week. Just one of the reasons I'm the luckiest gal in the world!

Totally Uneducated Post on Politics

2008-10-27T12:33:00.007+11:00

JL has been quoted (on numerous occasions) saying "You are the most well educated person I have ever met that knows nothing about politics."

Rude!

But totally right.

I really don't know anything - and worse(!), I honestly don't care. Yes, I know what that says about me. I know it is my right and responsibility to take part in the political process, to take a stand where a stand is needed....but frankly, I just can't get up the energy. It is a terrible fault in my genetic make-up...which makes me think I really must be the daughter of the milkman. My family cares a lot.

Now don't get me wrong, I am terribly thankful to all the people out there that do educate themselves, and do care, and do go out and try to make a difference. But the whole thing makes me feel a little bit sick to my stomach. The amount of anger that goes into the process is frankly terrifying. So I guess you could call my politics, the I stick my head in the sand party. And hey, it works for me.

And I know (I really do know!) that this is a bad bad thing. I completely recognize that. And I have no excuse. Period. But there it is.

That being said, I absolutely ADORE Australian politics. I am totally enamored with the whole thing - and again, because I know nothing, I can just love it without feeling too invested!

To me, an American, everything seems twisted up and backwards here. Australia is both a federation AND constitutional democracy. The "Liberal Party" is actually right-center. You don't vote for the Prime Minister - you vote for the party and then whoever is head of the party becomes the PM. Oh, and the PM LIVES IN MY TOWN! (And you can go tour his gardens every September.) It is a sweet world over here. Plus everyone calls the PM (Kevin Rudd) Kev. I love it. Good ol' Kev. JL and I are going to send him a little note inviting him to lunch - he is our neighbor after all!

Summer in Sydney

2008-10-27T08:47:00.011+11:00

It was a gorgeous summer weekend here in Sydney.

Saturday morning we took a long walk down to the harbour with the dogs. Around McMahons Point there is a huge Mulberry tree right along the water. It had been picked pretty clean, but we were able to get enough (semi-)ripe mulberries to make a tart(let). The dogs had a great time running on the beach, and climbing in the dirt near the Mulberry tree. No pictures as I unfortunately forgot the camera - but I did get a shot of the Mulberries. Yummmm.

And after such a long walk, we then had to have a rest in the garden.

Sunday, JL and I went to Balmoral Beach. On the plus side, it was great beach weather, not too hot and not too cold, with a bit of a breeze. On the minus side, my butt got severely burned and I'm in a bit of pain today. But super loose velour pants make it all ok....

[Knitting update to come later today!]

Why I Love Him

2008-10-24T08:26:00.003+11:00

Conversation in the car with JL:

K: There was construction on this street earlier. Traffic was pretty much stopped.

[Pause]

K: But I don't see any workers now.

JL: Yeah, they must have hung up their butt cracks for the day.

Sssssshhhh....they're finally asleep!

2008-10-23T13:11:00.004+11:00

Tasmanian Devils, Pademelons and Cradle Mountain

2008-10-21T08:34:00.011+11:00

JL and I recently had a long weekend in Tasmania. It was probably poor planning on our part since we left a gorgeous summery weekend in Sydney for a gloomy, rainy and freezing weekend in Tasmania - but it was a good way to say goodbye to winter! (Hallelujah!! And "nah nah nah" to all you poor northern folk!)

We went to Cradle Mountain and stayed in the Cradle Mountain Lodge which was totally FANTABULOUS. We had a wood burning fireplace in our room and no TV (which was shocking, but great). Even though it did rain almost the entire weekend we still had a great time.....

Playing with wild-ish pademelons outside of our room (a pademelon is a type of wallaby - I, of course, called them Patty Melts because, well, because I'm that cool).

Going to the Tasmanian Devil sanctuary. Regardless of what you think, T-Devils are pretty cute - they look sorta like huge rats, and really, who doesn't like a huge rat. But they do have a super creepy growly scream thing going on.

And they scare the crap out of me when they eat (and they eat those cute little Patty Melts!).

We hiked around Cradle Mountain, which was gorgeous and rainforesty.

We ate yummy food.

And we saw some amazing views.

All in all, I loved it!

As an aside, this trip was JL's birthday present from me. Aren't I nice (notwithstanding the fact that JL has already been here before, and hiked Cradle Mountain and seen T-Devils and Patty Melts, while I hadn't - it was still ALL about him, doncha know)?

K-nitting 98

2008-10-20T10:45:00.017+11:00

When I was in college, I had to take Math 100 my freshman year. For those of you non math-dummies, Math 100 was essentially a high school math class - you know, for those of us that didn't do quite as well on that portion of our SAT's, or couldn't get through Algebra II. Yeah, that was me. It wasn't even Math 101...nope, you had to have a certain level of number literacy for that class.

So how did I become a finance lawyer, you ask? Well, if you can figure it out I'd love to know - I ask myself that every day.

But to get to the point, I was recently looking at a knitting how-to book - you know one of those "knitting for idiots" type books - and I realized as I flipped through it that even this one was too complicated. Seriously. I'm the girl who had to look up how to do a garter stitch the other day (but in my defense, why don't they just call it knit stitch? I mean, really?). So I'm in the market for Knitting 100. Anyone seen one of those? If not, I might have to write it myself. But then I'd have to call it Knitting 99 or 98, i.e., how to just ignore dropped stitches (which I am superbly talented at by the way).

Anywho, just like I didn't let my complete dysfunction in math stop me from becoming a finance lawyer (just cause I can't balance my checkbook.....), I certainly did not let my total inability to remember what a simple garter stitch is stop me from knitting.

So here it is! My first sweater....well the back at least... [insert round of applause here]

Thanks to my fab model....Chops.

I'm also starting on a set of wash cloths, with a chevron pattern no less. We'll see how they go. I got some beautiful Jo Sharp yarn and I'm on my way.

And thanks to fab model #2 - Tilly.

Fine, fine, not that far along but who's counting....

Oh, and just to be clear, I've been knitting for a long time. Well, at least 4 years. No, not steadily, but still. And, to rub salt in the wound, my sisters are amazing knitters. They can do socks! I'm still scared of two needles, let alone 4. But do you know what I have?? Perseverance (and a lot of crappy knitted projects!)!

Love, K

The K-nitting 98 Goddess**

**Self-titled moniker.

[Update - for those of you who are interested, the sweater is The Garter Stitch Jacket by Jo Sharp, page 26 of Knit Issue 6. The yarn is Posie (also by Jo Sharp).

The wash cloth is from a free pattern by Terri Lee Royea (which you can get here) and the yarn is Debbie Bliss cotton dk in coffee and Jo Sharp in bisque and orchid. Yummy!]

Thank you JL

2008-10-20T10:38:00.004+11:00

Oil painting of me and Lucy in front of our Soho, New York apartment. Thank you JL. I've never received a sweeter, more thoughtful gift....

The Amazing Death Predictor

2008-10-19T08:05:00.005+11:00

Well, we're all going to die someday, but this website can tell you exactly how. In case you're interested, I'm going to die at the age of 74, being shanked in prison. Sweet.

•At least I'm not JL who is apparently going to die at the age of 59 when his head explodes after being exposed to Britney Spears for 36 consecutive hours. Yikes! I might just keep that little tidbit to myself.....

6:51 a.m. and all is well!

2008-10-19T06:58:00.004+11:00

I'm officially an adult. I know this because it is 6:51 a.m. on Sunday and I am up, have fed the dogs, took them out for their morning constitutional (i.e., to pee in the garden) and have read through my blog roll....already. Sadly, I think my ability to sleep until noon on the weekends, is gone. And I don't even have kids yet!

So now I'm going to watch Contact and knit while watching my dogs chase each other all over the house. Ahhh, Sundays. Gotta love them!

Tilly

2008-10-17T15:05:00.002+11:00

Say hello to Tilly! Our new cocker spaniel puppy (and the provider of an endless amount of dog pee clean up).

Get off the couch you lazy cow!**

2008-10-17T14:23:00.002+11:00

I am in early retirement. Well, just for a month while I wait for my new visa to come through so I can start working again. I keep having dreams of shiny chain links (as opposed to the old rusty ones that used to tie me to my desk at my old job). So yeah, I'm enjoying retirement #1.

You probably think that I've been spending my time catching up on my finances, or finally organizing my apartment, or even walking the dogs. But you would be wrong. The fact is, I don't do anything. I don't mean that in the sense that I don't go to work and bash around an office for 8 hours. I mean, that I get up, walk to the couch, and pretty much don't leave it except maybe to go to the toilet (and yes, I am working on holding it and getting pretty good, thank you very much) or until a half an hour before JL is expected home from work. Then I just might rush around brushing my teeth and putting the dirty dishes (from breakfast, yikes!) in the sink. Yeah, that is it folks.

I have to admit, its pretty great. Embarrassing, but great nonetheless. But today (which you can measure as (1) the 12th day of unemployment or (2) 8th TV movie day or (3) 10th episode of Murder She Wrote day or (4) 53 cm knitted on my Jo Sharp sweater day - take your pick), well, today, I think even I am reaching my Lazy Limit. And trust me, its high.

So in addition to reciting my personal mantra 12 times (one for each day of couch inhabitation) in a hand mirror (picked up on my one trip to the toilet this morning and carried to the couch for use), I've gone ahead and made a list of things I would like to accomplish in the next two weeks. Since I know you're interested, here are the highlights:

1) Recite personal mantra 12 times (Done! Woo hoo! I'm so going to be able to do this.)

2) Get off the couch. (Still working on this one. In case you're wondering, the laptop is all set up for couch use. I don't even have to move to plug it in when the battery gets low. Now that is convenient.)

3) Housetrain new puppy (just yelling from the couch does not count).

4) Clean up dog pee from non-housetrained puppy.

5) Finish fabulous Jo Sharp sweater (sitting on the couch during this one is OK, but in actual clothes and not just PJs from last night).

6) Forget about dropped stitch 11 rows down on fabulous Jo Sharp sweater (you're not going to fix it so stop obsessing about it).

7) Organize office in house including filing for last, ummm, three years.

8) Do laundry and then actually fold it and put it away when it's done.

Whew! I AM exhausted (from making the list). So I think I'll take a little nap here on the couch before tackling anything else today.

** New personal mantra.

Things I am good at

2008-10-16T07:58:00.021+11:00

Keeping my dogs from killing each other:

Cleaning up dog pee:

Sitting on my knitting needles:

Making bread:

Dear Life: A Letter

2008-10-16T07:49:00.003+11:00

Dear Life,

Thank you very much for the string of unfortunate events that you have lovingly thrown in my path recently. I'm sure (without a doubt) that this was done with only the best of intentions and with my personal growth in mind. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your constant attention recently. That being said, I don't want to be selfish. Please feel free to focus on some other needy individual. I won't mind. Really. Not at all.

Warmest regards,

Goodbye Sweet Lucy

2008-08-29T12:27:00.004+10:00

As some of you may know, my beautiful Cocker Spaniel Lucy died earlier this week. She was the best dog -- everyone who got to know her absolutely adored her, even though she came from a bit of a rough background. She had her moments but she was the most loving dog and so loyal. I will miss her tremendously.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have sent me such lovely messages. I know many people will find it strange to be so heartbroken over a dog, but she was so much more than that to me.

Dude! I am SO in!

2008-08-21T10:45:00.004+10:00

Yes, that's right. You're looking at the newest member of the "in" crowd. Yes, indeedy. I have finally.....been tagged! Being on the outside looking in, this whole tagging thing has always seemed something that the cool blogging kids did....you know, like the Friday night parties in the park, and the 3 a.m. Denny's runs.

So when my friend Michelle (M-Dog) tagged me I was thrilled! Of course, you know I'll need a new wardrobe now. Or are the cool kids still wearing pleated skirts and patent leather flats? (Don't laugh - that is exactly what I am wearing at work today....with a turtleneck, snap!)

Anyway, M-Dog is one of my oldest friends...though we lost touch for awhile as you do when people start to get married and move, ummm, I don't know, across the world! I am so happy that we're back in contact. Oh the crazy things we used to do....*sigh*... So here's to you M-Dog....

List: List 3 joys, 3 fears, 3 current obsessions/collections and 3 surprising facts:

Joys:
1. Lucy and Chops - dogs extraordinaire! Both shelter rescues, both a bit funny looking, both so sweet you could break a tooth on 'em!
2. JL -- I had to wait until I was 31 to meet him, but it was totally worth it. Not to get all sappy but he is the best man that I know (other than my father of course, but that pretty much goes without saying). Plus he made me apricot chicken for dinner last night, so you know he has a free pass for like a week!
3. Mexican Food -- what can I add to this? Its fab.

Fears:
1. Spiders -- see earlier post on Spider Wrangling. Enough said.
2. Hawaii -- OK, so I hate Hawaii. I mean, really really dislike it. I went to school there for a bit and don't let those fakey touristy people fool you.....it is rough. And people are mean. But, in deference to the greater good I am getting married there....*sob*....
3. Visas (aka, "Green card-a-phobia") -- getting a "potential spouse visa" in Australia is pretty much like having your teeth pulled without Novocaine. We will, in all likelihood, be subjected to an interview. Its pretty scary when you start having conversations like this, "what, what do you mean you don't know what my favorite movie is? what if we get asked that in the interview? accckkkk!" in the middle of the street.

Obsessions:
1. Mexican Food -- see above.
2. Dogs -- I want 12. Seriously. JL and I are currently in negotiations for Dog #3. He says once we have a house....I consider this the opening offer...
3. Wedding etiquette rules! -- this will be the subject of its own post. Suffice it to say, I know the rules baby, and JL, much to his continued annoyance, is learning them as well!

3 Strange Facts:
1. I once broke Marion Jones' collarbone and wrist during a basketball game. I used to be mildly ashamed of this. Now....not so much.
2. I read, The Fountainhead, when I was 11 1/2. This does not make me cool. I really didn't understand it. But I read it and wrote a paper on it and submitted it to a magazine! I'm still waiting for my response from them! The mail must be slow. :)
3. My first crime was stealing a barbie "clothe" from the kindergarten play area when I was in pre-school. We were visiting the "big kids school". Yeah....I showed them who the big kid was! I'm pretty sure I've been forgiven of this crime since I was only like 5 when it happened....

Now I have to tag 3 people and since I don't really know anyone other than my family, you guys are it:

Deb, Heather, Laurel!

Thanks M-Dog. As always, you rock!

Lucy is FINALLY coming!!!

2008-08-20T18:12:00.002+10:00

"Under New Management"

2008-08-18T18:07:00.003+10:00

So as you know, I am recently engaged, and as my engagement present from JL I received the most beeyooteeful ring ever made.

Since he was so generous with me, I wanted to give him something in return. Just a little engagement present to show how much I love and appreciate him.

So I did.......

T-Shirt says, "Groom: Under New Management"

How lucky is he??

Mexi-Oz Day 1

2008-08-18T14:24:00.008+10:00

Australia is a loverly place....love.err.lee. And I have been very happy here....except...

for the very serious dearth in Mexican restaurants.

Photo of an Aussie, at a Mexican Restaurant....I don't know him, but I know he is not truly focused on the food!

For a Californian, this is a very very bad thing as I tend to get cranky without regular consumption of guacamole, tacos and burritos..... So, in light of that, we have established a new holiday....

"MEXI-OZ DAY"

Mexi-Oz Day is a holiday which is celebrated by an exuberant (and rather disgusting) display of Mexican food consumption which occurs at the whim of its organizer (me) but which roughly averages to once a week.

If you think Mexi-Oz Day sounds daunting, don't be afraid - it only requires 2 things:

1. Eat Mexican Food....

2. In Australia!

So in honor of the first Mexi-Oz Day (which was August 17th, 2008, a day which will go down in the history of>...ummm...., yeah, ok, me....) I made FISH TACOS and if I do say so myself, they were F.A.B.ulous!

I started with a recipe from FoodNetwork.com but it was too fiddly so I made a few adjustments.

Traditional Mexi-Oz Day Fish Tacos**

Ingredients:
1 pound white flaky fish, such as Basa fish
1/4 cup canola oil
1 lime, juiced
1 pinch (or more if you like it spicy) of chili flakes
1 jalapeno, coarsely chopped (optional)
1 tsp seafood seafood seasoning
Flour tortillas

Garnish:
Chopped cabbage
Hot sauce
Sour cream
Red onion (sliced thin)
Salsa
Avocado, smashed with salt and a little lemon juice

Directions:
Preheat grill to medium-high heat. Place fish in a medium size dish. Whisk together the oil, lime juice, chili flakes, jalapeno and seafood seasoning and pour over the fish. Let marinate for at least 15 minutes (I left it for about 45).

Remove the fish from the marinade place onto a hot grill - pour some of the marinade over fish. Grill the fish for 4 minutes on the first side and then flip for 30 seconds and remove. Let rest for 5 minutes then cut the fish into taco length strips. If you'd like (and you will) grill the tortillas on the grill for 20 seconds in the remaining marinade. Divide the fish among the tortillas and garnish with any or all of the garnishes.

Soooo delicious! Now get going on making them!

**These tacos are traditionally served on the first Mexi-Oz Day of the month of August by locals who celebrate this holiday....(i.e., me).

Chopstar: A Sad Tale of Drug Abuse

2008-08-18T09:58:00.003+10:00

Our dog....Chops (aka Chopstar)....finally hit rock bottom Thursday night. We believe she has been tottering on the edge for quite a while, but this Thursday the bottom dropped out....

She took....

2 ANTI-INFLAMMATORY PILLS!

and ended up in the doggie emergency room.

OK, OK, so it was only 50 mg, but she is less than 7 pounds so that is a lot! Really...she has no sense of moderation at all!

So the story goes: JL and I had decided to go shopping for a bit after work on Thursday, prior to heading home for the day. Apparently, Chopstar found this entirely unsatisfactory so decided to hurl her small body up onto the dining room chair and then onto the dining room table, where she scrounged around until she found a package of 25 mg rapid release Voltaren and a package of liquid Advil capsules. She then promptly pulled these to the ground and went to work.....luckily she only got to the Voltaren....

When we got home we noticed the situation (she's fallen off the wagon before, but never to this extent!), so we hemmed and hawed, and had a sit down with Chopstar. She looked fine, but she is adept at hiding her habits (i.e., we never see her when she decides to take a poop in the office!) so finally we called poison control! Poor JL - he was a bit embarrassed to call the poison control center and ask about his dog! But being the good man he is, he did it.

Poison control referred us to the vet, who referred us to the emergency vet, who recommended we bring her in for a "look over" which we did.

So then we get to the 24 hour emergency vet....they look her over (she still looks fine to me, by the way, other than not being thrilled when the vet is poking her in the stomach and shining lights in her eyes) and determine that she needs the following treatment:

1. Induced vomiting;

2. Treatment with charcoal to soak up remaining medication;

3. Three days of intravenous drip!; and

4. Special medication to bind to any ulcers forming in her stomach.

$900 later, Chopstar comes home.

I then received the following email from JL:

"You know what's really bugging me right now about Chops' Latest Adventure? She will learn NOTHING from this. She will be pissed at us for taking her to the vet, AND she will eat crap off the table still.

Darn Chops!"

So who really hit rock bottom? Me and JL. Rock bottom of our bank account that is!

And doesn't she look so innocent!

Adrenalin Rush

2008-08-12T13:39:00.002+10:00

I feel it pumping through my body.....the tingling sensation that seems to start at the base of my neck and travel down my back, through my hips, thighs, shins, down into each of my toes. It radiates through my arms, and hands.

When's it going to come?

I'm waiting.....

The feeling intensifies, pulsing through my body...

Any minute now....any minute now...

My jaws clench and tighten and everything around me looks just a little too bright, outlined by the shine of my nervousness.

My fingers itch to get going, my feet thump a rhythm on the ground.....dadadadaaa dadadaaa.

And then.....

It arrives!

I hear the little ping and my desktop flashes that little icon we all so love to see....the envelope.

The email is here! It's here!

Now I get to do what I've been waiting for for hours, what has caused me so much anticipation and nervousness...

.............................................................

.............................................................

.............................................................

Forward. It.

.............................................................

.............................................................

.............................................................

And to think sometimes I wonder if the stress of my job is worth it. Clearly.

I blame my mother

2008-08-11T15:17:00.002+10:00

You would think I could just sit back and enjoy my own engagement party -- particularly when it was being completely catered, set-up, cleaned up and handled by the place where it was being held.

But no.

Instead, I had to spend 3 full days hand making invitations and 2 full days making little boxes to hand out candies to guests as thank yous (not to mention the hand made "Please help yourself!" sign). I also felt it was necessary to get up at the crack of dawn to go to the flower markets for fresh flowers and then arrange them in white bags with specially shopped for ribbons, organize a guest book with Polaroid pictures of each guest to be included, buy candies and canisters to hold them and buy a new Polaroid camera and Polaroid camera film (which I had to order from the US and have my mother ship to me). I of course also had to taste test and research all the specialty cupcake shops in Sydney and order and pay for 50 cupcakes (which then had to be picked up from the shop on the day before the party). And none of this takes into account the hours and hours I spent debating, researching, freaking out, discussing with JL, researching some more and freaking out some more.

By the time the day of the durn party came along I was exhausted and in a panic....

And then.....it started to rain....for our outdoor party....

Poor JL - not only did he have to deal with me freaking out, crying and venting, I then put him into a total panic and he had to rush around taking care of all this really necessary stuff that I had insisted upon.

Good times, I tell you what.

This morning I was talking with my Mom and she told me how she had my sister and her family over for a BBQ on Saturday night. Apparently she didn't know what my sister was bringing over so she rushed around shopping, making salads and cutting veggies and of course worrying about whether there would be desert or not. She cleaned the house, bought lighter fluid and BBQ fuel, and generally worked her butt off to get ready for having 6 people over....ALL FAMILY!

So I blame her. I am genetically unable to simply host a party.....my DNA does not permit it. If I don't freak out, its not a party.

Can't wait for the wedding!!!

Friday: A Work Day

2008-08-01T14:28:00.005+10:00

K: What was I doing? Oh, yes, I have to call that guy back.

[picks up phone - starts dialing]

K: I wonder what he wants. Wait....Maybe I should just email him. Then HE has to call ME back.

[hangs up phone]

K: Yeah, that's what I'll do.

[stares blankly at computer screen]

K: My head hurts - maybe I should take some medicine. Hmmm, when was the last time I took some.

[picks up meds and looks at package]

K: Were there always an odd number of pills left? Maybe I took too many...or dropped one. What if the dog ate it. Crap, did I put that rat poison up? Did the rat poison get on the floor when the pipes burst. Maybe I should call John.

[starts dialing - hangs up]

K: No I can't call John until I get some work done. What was I doing? Oh, yeah, I have to call that guy. No, no, I was going to email.

[opens Outlook, begins to compose message]

K: As soon as I send this he's going to call me. Maybe I should do my blog reading first. What time is it? 2:39....hmmm. Only an hour or so before I have to meet my trainer. I really hope she's nice today. Did I pack extra underwear?

[rummages through gym bag]

K: Here's some. Wait, I think I wore these yesterday. Maybe I should just cancel. I do have this headache and I already worked out once this week.

[looks up as coworker wanders past. realizes she has a pink thong in her hand. smiles idiotically and frantically stuffs pink thong back into gym back]

K: Well that was smooth. Well, whatever! It probably just looked like a tissue, or something. Ha! Right. Keep telling yourself that Kristen. This is very embarrassing. Quick type something....look busy.

[looks at email already started on desktop]

K: What is this? What was I doing? I wonder why my inbox is so full. Maybe I should delete some emails....but then I have to start filing them...that's probably a better job for Monday. Then I can do the whole week all at once. I wonder what I need to do this weekend. I should make a list!

[whips out pen/paper - begins making a list]

K: (1) clean apartment (particularly rusty water in kitchen)
(2) wash dog

K: ............I should probably just get her groomed. I hate spending the money, but she looks like a freaky Ewok right now....hehe, freaky Ewok. That was a funny blog post today about the Rancor from Star Wars....I should check those other posts. What time is it? Oh, 3:28....I probably have time....

K: No, No! I need to do some work....What was I doing?

[looks at desktop with confusion. sees partial email.]

K: Oh....emails....speaking of....I really should email Mom....

[starts typing email to Mom]

K: Ehh, I really should just call her. What time is it there? 10:29....is that too late? Nah, I've been waking them up for years. I think they're usually up anyway....

[picks up phone, dials]

Ring Ring Ring Ring

[hangs up]

K: I shouldn't call this late. Oh crap! I forgot to call my trainer to cancel. Maybe I should just run down. No, then I'll have to workout, and with this headache and all......I'll just send her a quick text and cancel....

[whips out blackberry and sends text message]

K: Sheesh. Another thing done! What a day.......

K:

[stares blankly]

K:

[stares blankly]

K:

[stares blankly]

K: What was I doing?

[sees email on desktop.....again.....]

K: Oh, emailing Mom.... No. Calling her! That's right. I should really see how Lucy is doing anyway. She's such a good dog! I wonder if she'll remember me when she gets here. I should call and talk to her. I can call Mom and she can put her on the phone.......

[picks up phone. dials international. twice.]

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring

M: Hello?

K: Hello?

M: Hello.

K: Hello.

[laughing hysterically. she always does this and thinks its reeeeaaalllly funny.]

[its not]

M: Yes?

K: It's your favorite daughter!

M: Oh! Hi Debbie!

K: Ha ha, very funny.............................I just called to see how you were.

M: Pretty good. How are you? Busy at work?

K: Yes! So busy! I've been trying to return this guy's phone call all day and I just can't seem to get to it.....

[30 minutes later.........]

K: What was I doing?

By popular demand...

2008-07-27T17:11:00.006+10:00

...well, at least, she demanded it, and I like being popular with her.

Have you ever done this? Blogging, I mean. It's not easy. At least, not unless you have something to say. Or, at least, something interesting to say. But, then again, I've never let that stop me doing stuff before.

Kristen started pestering me for the last month or so to be a "guest blogger". I've always been more of a "write a smart alec comment about one of Kristen's posts" kinda guy, than a "think of something interesting to write yourself" kinda guy, so I've been resisting. Or, more accurately, evading. In a "aaah, sure, sounds great!" kind of way. However, evasive tactics only got me so far. With the inexorable passing of time, "ahh sure", becomes "yes, this weekend", becomes, "yes, tomorrow", then you wake up and the best you can do is, "yes, this afternoon, after I finish vacuuming the courtyard (?)" and suddenly it's just "yes". So, time to just do it. Only, I have no idea what to write about. So it goes like this:

J I have no idea what to write about.
K Whatever you want.

J Thinks..."Uh oh". Says..."But it's your blog, what do you want me to write about?"
K *patient but quizzical look* I don't know, write whatever you want to write about, just keep it clean.

J Thinks..."well, there goes most of my material". Says..."But you're the one who wants me to write something! What do you want me to write about?"
K *tersely* Then, just write about something that's on your mind.

J Thinks..."You want me to write about global warming, the future of children in Darfur AND Japanese whaling in the Antarctic? All in one post???". Says..."But..."
K HEY! IF YOU DON'T SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN AND START BLOGGING, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT! AND MAKE IT GOOD! YOU HEAR ME, KANGAROO BOY???

I hate it when she calls me that.

So, here we are.

Those of you who have made it this far will no doubt have cottoned on to the fact that I have no idea what to write about.

BUT WAIT! Mid-post update!!! Kristen just grated herself. Again. Second time this week.

Right. Back to the action! As Kristen says, she may not be interesting (just kidding baby!) but she is definitely prolific. Since I proudly share most things that are going on in her life and have, in some way, been involved in many of the events described in the pages below, it always looked to me that it must be pretty easy to just sit down and bash out a few pages of insight into what's been happening in our lives. Not so! Hence, here we are, line 40 and I still haven't got to the point.

Update on mid-post update. Apparently, grating yourself hurts a lot. A lot. Kids, leave it to the professionals.

OK, I've got it. Here's the point. Actually, here are two points.

One. Kristen has just suggested that this would be a good way for her family to get to know me before we lob up at her mum (sorry, her mom) and dad's place for Thanksgiving. Well, don't we all just wish she'd said that about 47 lines ago? For those who may have concerns (whether formed before or after reading this post) about me joining the extended Hansen clan, please don't take my apparent ability to drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about nothing as a reflection of what it's like to talk to me face to face. Trust me, this is much more interesting.

And two. I'm thinking this will be the last time K asks for a guest blogger!

See you in November!
JL

Making lemonade out of lemons (and other good ideas)....

2008-07-25T12:06:00.002+10:00

As I've gotten older I've noticed a disturbing trend....I have to pee...a LOT. I never used to have to get up in the night to go to the toilet, and I don't recall having to dash from Banana Republic to the public toilets in the mall either. I certainly didn't have to sprint past the dog and into the bathroom the minute I got home from work (poor dog) without even so much as a Howdy Do.

But now I feel like I spend half my life in, or wanting to be in, a place where emptying the bladder is a perfectly acceptable activity. And I'm here to tell you, it's definitely not acceptable everywhere.

But there is a point to this toilet talk - two words: urine therapy.

You heard me boys and girls...u-rine-ther-a-py. It's a real thing.

Apparently, by drinking your own urine (there is no mention of the medicinal benefits of drinking other people's urine surprise, surprise) you can cure the following ailments:

* the flu
* the common cold
* broken bones
* toothache
* dry skin
* psoriasis
* AIDS
* allergies
* animal and snake bites
* asthma
* heart disease
* hypertension
* burns
* cancer
* chemical intoxication
* chicken pox
* enteritis
* constipation
* pneumonia
* dysentery
* edema
* eczema
* eye irritation
* fatigue
* fever
* gonorrhea
* gout
* bloody urine (what???)
* smallpox
* immunological disorders
* infections
* infertility
* baldness
* insomnia
* jaundice
* hepatitis
* Kaposi's sarcoma
* leprosy
* lymphatic disorder
* urticaria
* morning sickness
* hangover
* obesity
* papilloma virus
* parasitoses
* gastric ulcer
* rheumatism
* birthmarks
* stroke
* congestion
* lumbago
* typhus
* gastritis
* depression
* cold sore
* tuberculosis
* tetanus
* Parkinson's disease
* foot fungus
* diabetes

And most exceptionally....AGING!

Anyway, since urine appears to be a cure for, well, just about everything, and since I seem to have an overabundance I've decided to (da da daum) sell it!!!

I think I'll start with a small kiosk in the mall, right near the half-off sunglasses.....I'm bound to get some of the overflow business from Boost Juice!

KMH - who is busily guzzling water, as she types....

There were 9 in the bed and the little one said....

2008-07-21T18:42:00.004+10:00

As most of you know, I come from a big family....wait, I should re-phrase that....a BIG family. 7 kids, something like 18 nieces and nephews, 2 great-nephews, one great niece and a slew of cousins (too many to count frankly; my math ain't that good). It's always been great, and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but to be perfectly honest....that's BIG enough.

Well, the other day JL and I got an email from his cousin in which he stated, "I can't believe we'll all be related to Kristen" (fyi, I took that as a good, "I can't believe" so no one say anything different dang it!). And all of a sudden it hit me....my family just grew. A. Lot.

JL is one of 5 kids. With our 7, that's 12 combined siblings. Plus their kids. Plus aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, AND a future mother and father-in-law!

Basically, I'm now terrified of Christmas.

Luckily the "L" clan (of JL) is without exception lovely. And I get to have little nieces again - adorable ones at that!

Sarah and Grace. So freaking cute! And its good to know that JL's genes are okey dokey! :)

So, here's to the combined "L" and "H" clan! Proof that bigger is always better (and anyone that says differently lies).

"Put that magazine down, and back away slowly...."

2008-07-10T11:46:00.002+10:00

Since I am newly engaged (and pretty excited about the whole thing) I recently went out and bought an armful of wedding/bridal magazines. They had beautiful glossy covers depicting smiling and glowing brides, and glamorous cakes and flowers, and I was extremely enthusiastic about reading them and starting to get ideas on my own wedding....and....as I turned the first page, and then the second, the third, fourth and onwards, the excitement started to wane and the SHEER PANIC began to set in.

Did you know that you are supposed to start sending out "save the date cards" TWELVE MONTHS before the wedding? You heard me....twelve freaking months! We just got engaged for craps sake!

And if that is not enough, I'm also supposed to have done the following (yes, already!):

(1) decide on a theme for the wedding
(2) decide on a budget
(3) insure the engagement ring
(4) pick wedding date and time and finalize after checking with the location
(5) interview wedding consultants
(6) start viewing wedding gowns
(7) interview caterers
(8) scout reception sites and book it
(9) interview officiants
(10) coordinate engagement party

Now to be fair, I have done some of the above - as you can see from my list below:

(1) decide on a theme for the wedding - Totally done, the theme is going to be "wedding", duh.

(2) decide on a budget - Hahahahahaha! Does, "Oh crap, we've run out of money...." count as a budget?

(3) insure the engagement ring - Yes! Good ol' JL took care of this one! Woot woot!

(4) pick wedding date and time and finalize after checking with the location - Ummm, sometime next year....

(5) interview wedding consultants - Ring ring, "Hi Mom, so what do you think about....."

(6) start viewing wedding gowns - I'm all over this one. I've got SATC on auto rewind....

(7) interview caterers - Yeah, so not happening.

(8) scout reception sites and book it - "Dear JL - Looks like we have to make a trip to Hawaii....and right away! No seriously, its required. Read the freaking magazines!"

(9) interview officiants - You're kidding right? A year in advance? I could become ordained and marry myself in that time!

(10) coordinate engagement party - DONE! (Really, this is pretty much done. I'm all about an excuse to party.)

I can't stress the point enough, that the above is for when you first get engaged or twelve to sixteen months in advance. Every month there is a new list which just gets more and more insane. (What is bonbonniere anyway?)

The only reason I can think for TOTALLY FREAKING PEOPLE OUT WITH THE ABOVE TO DO LIST is that these wedding magazines are designed for those women (and men) who have been planning their own weddings since birth. People who have albums full of pictures and ideas etc etc. You know the type....they're the ones who say "For MY wedding, I'm going to have 57 doves released above my head and a 16 layer cake with layer in the shape of a different city we've visited together and...." (blech.)

That is so not me.

Anyway, long story short, after gathering control of myself, calming the hyperventilation and remembering that some people are crazy - I shut the magazines and put them to the side of the couch. And there they will stay, gathering dust, until the dog chews them up or uses them for a wee pad, both of which would be a perfect end!*

* I must confess that I am getting into this wedding planning thing a bit. But its totally because I seem to have this ingrained need to go above and beyond when planning a party. Trust me, I am so not the perfectionist type (case in point, swing by my apartment on any random day and you will see some things so horrific you may feel a need to immediately swing by the nearest radiation center to have yourself decontaminated), but I simply cannot (CANNOT) just "have people over"....it is not in my DNA. I totally blame my Mom.

The Ring

2008-06-30T00:18:00.006+10:00

No this post is not about a horror film....its about a different ring altogether...

The Ring.

The Ring which was given to me by JL.

The Ring, which was only the 4th one I put on my finger, but which fit perfectly.

The Ring that sat on the shelf tonight so I could gaze at it while I bathed.

The Ring that had its first trip in the car today.

The Ring that is NOT alive, even though I chat to it pretty much all day long (i.e., Ring, how are you liking your first trip to the grocery store? Ring, try to stay away from the dog's tongue. etc.).

The. Ring.

Yes, I am the proud wearer of the most beautifully wonderful gorgeous-est-EST engagement ring ever created. Oh. Yours might be nice. But it ain't The Ring. And that's a fact sister.

Shout out to JL who is without a doubt, proving to be the best fiance, a girl could'a ever proposed to!

Daa du da dummmm

2008-06-30T00:06:00.002+10:00

You know its been too long since you've blogged when you can't even remember your password! Crikey! But I have a legit excuse this time.....I'M ENGAGED! Now just because it didn't happen until two nights ago, does not mean that it is not the reason why I'm so late in posting. You know, a girl has to prepare for these things....

Especially when she's doing the proposing...

After all, it is a leap year!*

As I'm sure you know, I'm a true romantic at heart, so the proposal went something like this:

Me: So are you going to marry me or what?
JL: Ummm, is that a proposal?
Me: Ermmmm, yes, I guess so.
JL: Well, OK then.

And the rest, as they say, is history!

* Even though it doesn't really count as it wasn't actually Feb 29th. Just don't tell JL.

Things to do on a 16 hour car drive from Brisbane....

2008-04-04T23:46:00.008+11:00

Ponder Australian road signs:

People crossing

Ummmm, feet crossing?

Brumby crossing (i.e., wild horses....gotta give those wild horses a place to cross the highway after all)

Kangaroo crossing....of course.

Koala crossing? Yeah, that's gonna take some time.

Take full advantage of the "Driver Reviver" rest stops (can you say, "free coffee"?):

Pretend you're an undercover cop and take pictures of strangers....

and their license plates

Get full photographic evidence of how fast JL is driving:

Puzzle out billboards (speeding equals....what!):

Check out the Big Banana:*

Let the dog drive:

* By the way, our last rest stop adventure was at a place that was built into a replica of Ayers Rock. Freaking fantastic. Too bad I was too tired to bother with the camera at that point!

Sick and Wrong

2008-04-03T23:00:00.003+11:00

Somebody tell me the truth....

Is it wrong to feel lucky to get to leave work at a rational hour....say 11:10 p.m. rather than, say 3 a.m.?

Craig Rhodenizer - What does he know that I don't?

2008-03-31T23:08:00.002+11:00

A friend sent me an article about a certain pastor by the name of Craig Rhodenizer (see article here) who, apparently, got up one evening, informed his wife he was going to Best Buy to have his computer fixed, and then, after failing to come home and being reported as a missing person, was found at an Ohio strip club. Oh, did I forget to mention...he lived in New York!

Now, at first I was simply shocked and appalled by this story, as any non-strip club loving, non-husband leaving, semi-sane person would be. However, after thinking about this some more I realized that Craig Rhodenizer might actually have something going here. I'm not saying that I want to run off to a strip club for days on end (yick), but I wouldn't mind just going mildly crazy for a few days. Just get up one morning, look around and say, Yep today I'm going mad! (Put a bone in my beard and wander around in a bathrobe licking protein gel off the edge of a ratty old towel (ala Douglas Adams, heehee)).

I only approach this subject because I'd like to put everyone on notice that if I ever DO say, hey I'm just going out to get the mail, and then disappear, I'll just have gone mad. I can probably be found on some random beach, surrounded by hot dog remnants and a few dozen dogs....and I'm sure I'll be happy!

Brain Fart

2008-03-31T17:43:00.001+11:00

Hello?

Blog? What blog?

Oh...MY blog...you mean the one I never write anymore?

Yes, yes that's the one.

Well....ummmm....hmmm...I'm not really sure what to say...

Get my act together you say?

OK.

Fine.

Yes. I will.

Soon.

:)

"Advertising helps me decide"

2008-03-19T19:23:00.008+11:00

What would you think if in the middle of the most recent episode of Cashmere Mafia a commercial came on where a lovely young woman walked along a pretty village sidewalk with a beaver in her arms? Wait, it doesn't stop there. No, this woman and her beaver proceed to go to the park...then out for coffee....then to buy balloons...and then to a romantic restaurant for a cozy little dinner where the woman proceeds to hand her little beaver friend A PACKET OF SANITARY NAPKINS.....GIFT WRAPPED!

The voice over then says something to the effect of "You’ve only got one. So for the ultimate care down there, make it U.”

Do you get it? Do you? I had to think about it at first, and then I was shocked! I mean, I was under the impression that calling your beaver well....your BEAVER was wholly inappropriate. Am I wrong in this? Are we now supposed to walk around referring to the female genitalia as the beaver? (ala, "My poor beaver really would prefer I wore granny-panties rather than thong underwear?") (Note: this is fairly disturbing but true. I love good old fashioned cotton undies!)

My yoga instructor (who always tells the men in our class to tighten the "muscles between the genitals and the anus"....yick!) would likely not agree, and being that she can fold herself in half AND does not shave her armpits I'm totally taking her as my model for the new-feminist.

Now, I'm not really a feminist (I mean, beyond the typical I think woman have a right to equal wages type of stuff) but I really just don't want to call any parts of my body by animals names. I just don't want to. And its just the icing on the cake that these types of names ONLY ever become attached to parts of the female body that have a sexual function. Hmmmm, go figure.

I'm not on a soapbox here and I wanted to give a fair assessment, so I called JL to get his take on the matter. As luck would have it, he had viewed the same commercial last night to which he said "I was shocked aloud." "Thought it was just hopeless." While I have no idea what those statements literally mean (how can someone be "shocked aloud"? does that make any sense at all?) I do get the sense that he's on the same page as me.

In lthe name of further research we then went to the font of all wisdom (i.e., google) where we learned that so many other people had been offended that Kotex had to actually pull the commercial (what braniac thought this up in the first place? (actually, if we're being completely honest, that person is kind of a genius. i mean ads are supposed to be attention-grabbing right. well this one sure grabbed my attention!) But what was even more surprising were the people who actually LOVED the commercial.

One of those people said:

"Fantastic concept. The ad looks like it's achieved everything intended - controversy and public attention for a product which has previously been lost in an amateur advertising campaign; centered around coloured packaging and how it relates to the lives of gen y women. Well done Kotex!"

So now I'm really disturbed. Are all these ads aimed at "gen y" woman? Does that mean, that because I don't like them, I am not a "gen y" woman? At the age of 32, what am I? A "gen x"? "gen w"? Am I finally to the age where I do not have to be influenced by every revolutionary new type of advertisement? Am I? AM. I.?

Fantastic. Finally.

Now if I can just learn to stop luxuriating in the lives of B-grade celebrities I'll be perfectly grown up.

That and giving up the cotton panties, I suppose.

:)

Great-Aunt

2008-03-06T10:39:00.002+11:00

yes I am....a great Aunt (but I PROMISE, I'm only 32). Ryan Spencer was born 2 days ago....

Here is a link to my sister's blog which gives pics, stats etc. She's much more on the ball then I am...clearly.

http://www.debztalkin.blogspot.com/

Go. He's pretty freaking cute!

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug*

2008-03-05T17:46:00.002+11:00

As you well know, there are days when you really shouldn't get out of bed. Wait....to clarify, there are LOTS of days when I really should not get out of bed.

If on a bad day you think to yourself, today I'm the bug....well then TODAY would be a Mac Truck sized windshield, moving at the speed of light....and I, well I'd be a microscopic miniscule gnat flitting around the heads of atoms. Really. It was that bad.

Since I'm sure everyone has had there share of bad days and really, who wants to hear me complaining YET AGAIN....I'm going to plagarize a comment that JL made to my last post. That'll have to do you for today. Enjoy.

_______________________

Further Chopstar update:

Thanks to her new-found ability to (1) sleep all night, and (2) hold it in for more than 5 mins at a time, Chops was recently upgraded on the party-pooper-boyfriend-can-we-keep-her scale from "No" to "Maybe".

That was before she decided to do a runner from the park yesterday morning, dodging through four lanes of rush-hour traffic, running into the underground train station a half mile away...me stumbling after her in a pair of flip flops...through the turnstiles (no ticket!), back through the turnstiles again...just as I go through...and out the other side, trying to find Kristen who'd just caught the train to work.

The party-pooper-boyfriend-can-we-keep-her scale now reads "Humph".

JL

Shooting From The Hip

2008-02-29T15:10:00.003+11:00

WARNING

The below has 3 instances of Rated R cursing. I apologize, but I feel this is necessary for a true telling of this story. (Again, sorry Mom!)

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I have a bad boss. Wait....I really mean it....a bad bad bad BAD boss. He is rude, overbearing, back-stabbing, and a bully. I could give you numerous examples of the kind of guy he is, but I'll just tell you one, from today:

______________________________
Bad Boss: [Charging into my office, no greeting, no knock; begins spastically shaking an agreement at me.]

WHY DID YOU ADD THIS PROVISION? ITS NOT IN THE MODELS! WHY DID YOU DO THIS? DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID!

Me: It was in your mark-up, so I made the changes.

Bad Boss: WELL WHAT THE F*CK DO I KNOW? I'M JUST SHOOTING FROM THE HIP! YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE F-CKING MODELS.! IT'S NOT F-CKING ROCKET SCIENCE! [Charges out of office]
______________________________

Now what I truly love about this story is that he is such a colossal fool that he doesn't even recognize that either (a) it truly is rocket science since he screwed it up in the first place or (b) maybe, as a partner in a law firm, he should KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING??? Eh, maybe its just me.

By the way, this is not the first time this has happened. Uh, no. It's just the first time today. AND this is coming on the heels of working until midnight or later for the past three days.

My life rocks.....

Bad bosses aside, I've been working so much that JL has been taking on all of the party preparations himself! What party you ask? Oh, we're having a housewarming party....yes, yes, you're all invited....IN AUSTRALIA! He has been doing very well, but today he made the mistake of asking me what he should be doing tonight. So I sent a list:

General tidying up of all common areas
Clean the kitchen
Clean the floors (including the bathroom floor which is grody)
Straighten up/hide all the stuff in bedroom
Clean the courtyard
Wipe down the outdoor furniture, including the green chairs (note: kill those spiders!)
Clean off the airconditiong unit (which is mainly my stuff I know)
Organize the furniture etc. to allow for seating etc.
Prepare music
Cook dumps
Bake brownies
Cook chorizo and prepare the skewers
Buy prawns and milk and anything else left off the list?
Get ice
Get rid of dead flowers
Get recycling box up from garage
Vacuum
Shred chickens for pita pockets
Boil 8 baking potatoes

Oh, and this is for tonight! The party is tomorrow!

But get this. I sent him this list and you know what he said? "Thank you for the list. There were things on there I didn't think of!" Hahahahahaha! Well, at least he makes up for Bad Boss!

I suspect JL might think his life was much simpler before he met me!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHOPSTAR UPDATE

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've started walking her in the morning and she is being such a good girl now! Sleeps through the night even! I'm very happy she's come back!

And the lucky streak continues! (or, Poor, Poor Canucks)

2008-02-27T22:56:00.003+11:00

My horse's name was Mr. Darcy (ala, Bridget Jones).

On Monday morning JL and I went horseback riding in this little town in the mountains of New Zealand called Hanmer Springs (though you know the New Zealanders call in "Ham-ner" Springs, I couldn't begin to tell you why). In a fit of enthusiasm (and likely believing we were 10 years younger) we decided to go on the 2 1/2 hour trail ride. What we didn't know is that this involved trotting AND cantering along very narrow rough trails, under low hanging branches and around very tight curves.

I know what you're thinking, especially those of you that know me well.....but no, I did not fall off the horse! Surprise surprise! Of course, I still can't walk (2 days later) but that's another story altogether. What DID happen is that somehow I was bitten by the most virulent strain of (non-biting, according to the "infinitely knowledgeable of all things New Zealand" Canadian tourists on our ride) tiny flies to buzz along the face of this planet. My index finger has subsequently swelled to triple its normal size! I swear I look like I have a club hand....and its not like my hands haven't been through enough lately! Not to mention the huge icky bite on my neck, the 15 additional ones on each hand, ankle and foot, and the random one on my hip (I was wearing jeans!).

JL though...whatta guy. He offered to "pop" my finger with a safety pin. True Love? He might truly be sick in the head.

Speaking of JL, he got on the lucky streak bandwagon this weekend as well after causing a multi-horse pile up during one of those scary-as-crap, I-think-I-might-die canters. He did manage to keep his seat, but one of the poor Canadians stuck behind him as he widely careened out of control, did not. Poor guy came off his horse straight into the bushes!

Now this is the same guy that wouldn't stop talking about how good a rider he was prior to even getting on the horse. Not only that, but he and his wife actually had the nerve to try to tell us that if we get tired we should just let them know and they could slow down! So, even though I know its wrong, and even though I'm probably one step closer to H. E. Double hockey sticks....I couldn't help but be secretly pleased. Karma baby! Plus, the guys "injuries" (I'm not sure what they were...he never said specifically, other than "sore" -- We're all sore buddy! Its a 2 1/2 hour horseback ride!) meant we had to cut out the cantering for the rest of the ride much to the relief of our chafed backsides.

No worries though. After leaving the truly pissed off Canadians behind, we headed to the thermal springs that this town is famous for.....

where we did this:

No! This is not a picture of me and JL....just some better looking randoms. And what, exactly, is that guy looking at?

AND got this:
Totally worth it! :)
PS - Still at work so no chance to download pics just yet. You're stuck with just my ramblings for now.

Chopstar....sheeeee'ss baaaacckk

2008-02-26T14:13:00.007+11:00

Even her little butt is cute!

So the good folks who were going to adopt Chopstar aren't going to be able to keep her after all....and I am THRILLED! We get her back tonight and I really cannot wait. I'm so excited. I've missed her cute little face.

I went to visit her in her new home last week (before they decided they couldn't keep her) and she was sooooo happy to see me. She followed me everywhere, only wanted to sit on me, and tried to follow me home. Once I left she apparently sat by the door and cried all night!

But she gets to come home now!!! Woohooo!!

JL is, of course, super excited as well (hahahahahahaha, ha). He LOVES the wee, fleas and constant yip-yapping. Seriously.

New Zealand!

2008-02-22T15:00:00.002+11:00

So I'm off for a long weekend in New Zealand! Don't be sad, I'll be back very soon (Tuesday to be exact) and in the meantime, here is a list of some fantabulous blogs I've found recently*:

http://www.madmadhousewife.blogspot.com/

http://lastgoodnerve.com/

http://omightycrisis.blogspot.com/

http://www.denataylor.com/musings/

http://femblog.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Oh, and when I get back I'll be sure to post loads(!) of boring personal photos of my vacation. You'll LOVE it! :)

*Hopefully none of these people will mind that I've linked to them....oh well! :)

Work shmerck

2008-02-21T17:23:00.003+11:00

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy." (Charlie McCarthy)
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OK, who likes working? Anyone? I don't mean, enjoys the occasional feeling of success at having figured out a difficult project, or twinges of pride at finally getting that darn promotion. I mean, really likes the day to day fact of getting out of bed, putting on a suit (or a strippers costume, as the case may be) and going to the same old place, day after day after day after day..... It is truly endless.

I think there must be people out there that like it. Right? There must be since its become a world-wide OBSESSION this whole working thing. I tell you, I'm fed up! Who decided that getting up at 6:30 a.m. everyday, slogging through the rain to the overpacked and overheated train, smelling whatever crappy cologne is permeating the whole car for an indeterminable amount of time just to get to an office where you will be underappreciated, unrecognized and fulfill almost no purpose in the world should be the norm? I didn't get a say in the matter....no ballot was cast....not even a crappy show of hands.

Well, I am logging my official complaint. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Work. Every. Day. It has to be said. And frankly, I'm very disturbed that more people haven't logged this same complaint! What is up people??

Bummer about the whole not wanting to sleep under a freeway overpass thing though. It does throw a crimp in my plans....

The 5 Best Diets

2008-02-21T16:11:00.004+11:00

There are oodles of "diet" programs out there so there is no reason for me not to get fit, right (she says while licking miniscule remains of Mint Slices off her fingers....yummmm)? I've been thinking about this off and on since I entered my thirties and my body started to "settle" (towards the ground). After some extensive research I've determined the 5 best diets out there. I am sharing this knowledge with everyone since I know it is sometimes difficult to parse through all the crap that is out in the world to really determine what will work!

The 5 Best Diets - Truly!

Number 1: Crack. Yes you will likely end up talking to yourself and sleeping in a cardboard box, but you will, without a doubt, lose weight. I say, small price to pay.

Number 2: Stripping. Its a darn hard workout! Plus you never have to worry about breaking large bills, what with all the singles you could bring home! (Many thanks to my sister Lisa who has logged many hours with "Carmen Electra's Striptease Workout" to provide us with this invaluable information. You go girl!)

Number 3: Become a vampire. You're bound to lose weight when all you can consume is blood. As a bonus you get immortality and super powers...bummer about the whole sun thing though.

Number 4: Sleep a lot. I mean like all the time. You can't eat when you're asleep (wait, that might not be true....I'm pretty sure I once sleepwalked (sleptwalked?) to the refrigerator and ate a whole pecan pie...oops, ignore that. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about! Pshah!)

Number 5: Eat heathily and start a regular exercise regime. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Well there you go. I'm sure you must feel better informed now and we'll all be fit before we know it!

PS - This is certainly not an endorsement to start smoking crack, sucking blood, or stripping....though without a doubt I think we could all do with more sleep!

Gardening....(or, what the hell is wrong with those plants?)

2008-02-20T15:25:00.007+11:00

For the first time in my life I am living in a home with a garden. It's small and was already pretty much fully cultivated by the time I got there....but it was gorgeous! And after 2 months of living there....I'm already starting to kill it.

I think Mother Nature has it in for me....

I sow mint, she sends ants to build a colony in the pot.

I plant strawberries, she spreads the word to the bird population of Kirribilli.

I plant herbs, she sends snails and little green crawly things.

I plant a lemon tree, she sends scale (what IS that anyway), tiny red spiders and other things that are (so far) totally unrecognizable.

There must be a lesson in this. What is it? What could it be? Oh, that's right....I'M A TERRIBLE GARDENER! Bugger.

Well, here are some pictures anyway. Please try to note the serenity and inherent beauty in all plant life (even some that is partially dead) and maybe you'll get some enjoyment out of these anyway! :)

<=== Cute little lemon tree.

JL takes time to smell the....creepy crawly insects??=================>

The tiny pond! (Looks nice right, pretty lily pads and papyrus...and filled with mosquito larvae....)

Almost dead geranium (we think) and a pretty bush that seems to actually be doing well!

<==== A Native Australian grass tree! No way to tell if this thing is living or dying since I think it takes like 600 years to grow!

Star jasmine....sadly, not in flower.=====>

The back path of the garden. None of these plants have received any attention from me AND appear to be flourishing!

<===The strawberry plants. So precious...and aren't we nice to feed the neighborhood birds!

Big A$$ Australian Spider - Update

2008-02-20T15:15:00.004+11:00

Now, you KNOW you want to see this....

Photos of an actual spider from my actual garden taken the day after the last post. And you thought I was joking.....

Yes that is John's hand next to the spider. It's hard to tell, but his hand is actually right next to it....how he did that I have no idea. But it gives you a good indication of how freakingly humongous these spiders actually are.

It isn't ok....not ok at all....

Big A$$ Spiders of Australia

2008-02-15T16:54:00.005+11:00

Let me preface this post by saying that I HATE SPIDERS. I don't mean, that I don't like them, or get kind of funny if the poisonous kind are, say, sleeping on the pillow next to me. I mean, that I HATE SPIDERS. Passionately. Unequivocably. HATE. Them.

And now I've moved to Australia....which has to be The Spider Capital of the World. The other night (prior to the Big Chopstar Adoption of 2008) JL and I were walking the dog and I happened to walk into the most mammoth spider web ever. Seriously. I think I got whiplash. It was like walking into a tuna net! And then we saw the spider! Which was the size of Mohammad Ali's fist! This spider could have eaten the dog....and still wanted dessert. Luckily I got her out of there in time, but it was a very close call.

So, I thought since I have to suffer....so should you all....

Both of these spiders live in my garden....freaking fantastic.....

This lovely fellow got into bed with me one morning!

I don't know WHAT this is but WTF!

And THIS guy lives only in Sydney....and is crazy poisonous....lucky lucky me....

But I do have to say that I have been getting much better since moving here. The other morning there was a Daddy Long Legs in the shower with me and I only screamed for 5 minutes or so before calmly (read: frantically, desperately) washing it down the drain. I was so proud I took the day off the diet (see earlier "Fatty Fatty Two by Four" post) and went and had a plaque made ("Worlds Finest Spider Wrangler"). Yeehaw.

2008-02-15T16:54:00.001+11:00

Post-Valentine's Day Wrap Up

2008-02-15T11:43:00.008+11:00

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the first installment of the series "Why My Life Rocks (and is way better than yours)".

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Yesterday was Valentine's Day and all over the blogging world there were posts from frantic husbands and boyfriends for whom every year February 14 (coming right on the heels of February 13) arrives to shock and despair. These blogs detail emergency calls to the florist, runs to Walmart for the last bag of waxy chocolate, and the desperate card hunting measures that lead to "Happy Birthday" being crossed out and replaced with "Happy Valentines Day".

It has always struck me as strange that men could be so oblivious as to miss all the commercial signs of this impending holiday. Months before the shops start bringing in the red plastic hearts filled with malt balls, the plastic flower posies attached to red stuffed animals....I mean, you'd have to be both blind AND have your nose cut off to miss the color and scent of the masses of sugar and flowers coming into towns at this time of year. But every year it happens....men forget Valentines Day.....

This year was no exception in the JL/KH relationship. Oh, JL did make dinner reservations over a month ago which he confirmed with subsequent phone calls no less than 3 times. And he did show up with beautiful red roses and not one, but TWO different candy offerings (a box of candies, and a chocolate heart). But he forgot one very important thing.....

He forgot that we had agreed not to exchange gifts!

And that, my friends, is why MY LIFE ROCKS!

* PS, I, of course, didn't get him anything, so I'll just give him this:

Happy Valentines Day, Baby! xoxo

Conditioning Crap*

2008-02-14T09:58:00.005+11:00

You probably don't know this about me, and, lets be honest, probably don't want to know....BUT....here you go anyway.

Every time I walk into a bookstore I have to use the bathroom! Not to put too fine a point on it, I have to poop! I always thought this was some wierd psycho-sematic response totally personal to me, but guess what! It's not! Loads of people have this same response (see here). But what causes it??

Some people say its conditioning....i.e., you read on the toilet, so then you associate books with having to take a big heinous crap (sorry mom!).

Other people say its an excitement response. This implies that you want all the books so much that you actually have a physical response to the excitement of the prospect.

Finally, still others think that it is due to the mold and fungus in the room, in connection with the air conditioning (I think these are the same people that believe in alien probes but hey, that's just me).

Personally, I think its a physiological response to the fact that you CAN! I mean, bookstores are some of the few retail shops that routinely have toilets (though now I'm thinking this is really the chicken and the egg argument, but with books and poop) which the public can access. And its not like you can just walk around taking a crap anywhere you want. So when you find a place where you can....who would be crazy enough to pass that by?

Not me!

* For those of you who anticipated reading a gushy mushy Valentines Day post....consider this it. :)

Excerpts from Emails to JL

2008-02-13T17:52:00.002+11:00

2:35 p.m.

Dont thank me, thank your nazi trainer!

4:42 p.m.

Btw, can we please have a bubble making machine at our party??? Puhleeze??

4:50 p.m.:

YOU CAN'T TELL ME NO! [insert loud and whiney voice] rude.

ps - do you feel better since the wog?

5:52 p.m.

http://mazeville.blogspot.com/2008/02/next-diet-fad-stomach-flu.html

ps, I'm barely restraining myself from calling you every 15 minutes, so you'll just have to deal with random emails! :)

6:02 p.m.

Why are you ignoring me??

_____________

Yes, yes, I am THAT annoying! Tee hee.

Fatty Fatty Two by Four.....

2008-02-13T14:40:00.003+11:00

Oh how I wish that I was a squaw....beloved of a stong hunter who would be unabashedly proud of my expanding waistline and growing hips. One who understood my stocky legs and plump cheeks were a signal to the other members of the tribe that he could provide well for me, and that we never suffered through long harsh winters. One who actually thought, ahhhh, my wife is getting fat! and was happy about it.....

But alas, I am not the wife of a bronzed Indian warrior, and my pleasingly plump frame is not a sign of great wealth and an easy life, but instead, a sign of a lazy and slovenly (not to mention unattractive) slob. So, since the fates have viciously set me in this time and place, and made me of European descent, I have determined that it is in my best interest to get fit.

Diet diet here I come!

But in my next life I'm going to be a SQUAW!

In Loving Memory of Chopstar

2008-02-11T09:49:00.000+11:00

No....she hasn't died. But she has been adopted. I spent most of Saturday in tears, including when her new adoptive parents were walking out the door with her. I'm a little embarrassed but I just couldn't control myself.

But she is going to live with a very nice couple and with another dog named Roony! He's a full-blooded Maltese and let me tell you, when those two first met it was love at first sight. They couldn't get enough of each other!

So I suppose this is all for the best, though I am still heartbroken. I really miss that little pup!

Here is a picture of her on her last day at the doggie beach....

Love you always Chopstar!! xoxo

Politicking.....Eli Style

2008-02-08T19:43:00.000+11:00

As many of you are aware, the States are currently in the throes of a wild democratic party primary race....Obama versus Hillary. My friend Eli (see previous Halloween post for an accurate portrayal of Eli), is a staunch Obama supporter, even going as far as to attend the Obama-thon. No, you didn't misread that....I really did just type O B A M A - T H O N!

Anyway, Eli has taken upon himself to do some "politicking" (his word, not mine). So far this has taken the form of chat room abuse of Hillary supporters, picking political fights with women at bars and adopting the following motto:

"Vote with your heart....not with your vagina!"

The above was apparently said repeatedly by Eli at a party last weekend he attended. I'm sure his hosts were thrilled. His friend Nate (who, previous to this conversation with Eli, I firmly believed was the least tactful person ever born, and who happened to be at the party with Eli), witnessed a woman run crying from the elevator.....with Eli closely on her heels!

When he told me his motto, I was sort of stunned into silence, which is, frankly, unusual for me. But apparently that was the right reaction as Eli says his intent is (and I quote) "to shatter their world....shatter their world."

By the way, this is the man currently caring for my beloved Lucy. Should I be concerned?

Apology to My Yoga Instructor

2008-02-04T18:50:00.000+11:00

Dear ______*,

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you for my clearly unacceptable yoga-ness at Saturday mornings first session of the "Beginners" yoga course. I fully recognize how deeply my actions and, likely, my very being, offended your spiritual path to enlightenment and for that, I am deeply sorry.

I would also like to apologize for the following specific things:

1. Failing to understand and respond to random indian phrases related to standing on one leg or nose breathing.

2. Taking a sip of water during a class (i.e., "dashing cold water on a hot rock").

3. Being unable to come up with some alternative reason for joining the class other than exercise, flexibility, relaxation or stress relief -- I now know that since those were listed on the form, they were not properly thought out answers to this question.

4. Shaving my armpits, and wearing deodorant.

Sincerely.....whooops....namaste,
Kristen

*Names have been removed to protect the [relatively] innocent.

Australia Day vs. the 4th of July

2008-01-25T11:46:00.002+11:00

Last weekend was AUSTRALIA DAY! Well, not the whole weekend....actually just Saturday, but we did get Monday off as a national holiday so it many ways Australia Day was really Australia Weekend.....which I wholeheartedly approve of.

Australia Day is essentially Australia's 4th of July. It's the day set aside to celebrate the first settlement of Europeans on the continent of Australia. By the way, this means criminals. Truly. British criminals at that.....which always has me envisioning Jack the Ripper disembarking from the first ship at Sydney Harbour still dragging a few bloody entrails behind him. While this is clearly not historically accurate (most of the Australian "criminals" were just poor people who stole a loaf of bread), it doesn't stop me from searching the face of every Australian I meet for the telltale signs of genetic madness. I sleep well at night. By the way, Australians of JL's generation (clearly way before mine) think that having an ancestor who arrived with the first fleet (i.e., a criminal) is a status symbol. People of JL's parent's/grandparent's generation.....not so much.

But this is all beside the point. Australia Day is a grand affair with a yacht race (including an amazing replica of Captain Cook's boat (see above)), parties at the harbour, fireworks, concerts, parades....the whole shebang! JL and I spent the morning with Choppers (the dog) down under the Harbour Bridge where we ate gelato and listened to a Celtic bagpipe band while watching the yacht parage. Then we spent the afternoon kayaking around the Manly area. That was great fun as loads of people were out partying on their boats and everyone was very friendly (i.e., drunk)! We were feeling the spirit as well and spontaneously broke out into our personal rendition of Waltzing Matilda while on the water. Talk about a good time!

Now I have to say, as much as I LOVE the 4th of July (and JL has given me permission to have a 4th of July party next winter*), Australia Day clearly kicks BUTT! But I'm sure that's only cause it just happened, and I got the day off work. I'll probably re-think this once July rolls around!

* Yes, July is the middle of winter in Australia....I'm still having homemade ice cream though!

Sophisticated New Yorker Seeks a Life

2008-01-18T09:16:00.000+11:00

I don't want to play this up, but I used to be cool.* I mean, I was a sophisticated New Yorker living in Soho among supermodels, A-list actors and euro-trash. I wore designer clothes and always knew which was THE BAG of the season. I knew all the best restaurants and the hottest clubs and my friends would come to me for suggestions on where to host their big birthday bashes.

Since moving to Australia, and particularly since spending the last 10 days alternately sitting on the couch, napping in bed, and meandering through the garden, this has all changed. To illuminate this fact, here is an excerpt of a conversation I had with JL last night**:

Me: Hi honey, how was your day?

JL: Oh, busy. I had to make a margin call, deal with general counsels and attend 3 board meetings for subsidiary companies.

Me: That sounds nice. Do you want to see my chives? I think they've grown a fraction of a millimeter over night!

JL: Ummm, ok, yes.

Me: Oh, and my sprouts are sprouting! Look, see the little white things....isn't that cool!

JL: [Short silence] Lovely....nice job. What do you think about the international whaling crisis?

Me: Has Shamu died??

JL: What do you DO all day?

*By "cool" I mean very marginally not lame.
** Paraphrased (as always).

Welcome to 2008

2008-01-10T12:39:00.000+11:00

-----------------------------------------WARNING-------------------------------------------

The below is rated "NSPO" (non-squeamish people only), as it contains truly disgusting imagery!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I like to think of myself as a fairly well-educated and intelligent person but once in a while I do something that makes me ask, "am I really that stupid"? And on New Year's Day I received an unequivocal YES.

The story begins at about 9 pm on New Year's Day 2008 with me and JL in the kitchen making dinner (salmon with hollandaise sauce if you must know). In preparing dinner I needed the use of a small blender/mixer which JL had on hand. However, it had recently been taken apart and cleaned thoroughly so in order to use it we had to put it back together. We pulled all the pieces out and put the thing together, then plugged it in and pushed on the top to get it going (its the kind that you just put pressure on the top and it goes "whir whir" and blends up the contents....kind of like the Magic Bullet for all of you infomercial watchers out there). Anyway, the thing did not work. So I pulled the top off (which houses the blades), pulled the blades off, turned them over and pushed them back in. Luckily it worked. Unluckily it was in my hands when it started!

So long story short, rather than hollandaise sauce, the blender instead blended my hands and fingers badly enough (think: slasher movie) that JL had to rush me to the hospital where they admitted me right away and scheduled me for reconstructive surgery the next day. I left the hospital less than 24 hours later with both of my hands in casts and bandages.....

I know this sounds bad but the upside is that I got off of work for about 2 weeks, I got my own personal assistant (in JL who had to wait on me hand and foot), I got to spend loads of time with the Chopstar AND I got the promise of a brand new high class, non-hand blending blender of my choice (again from JL, whatta guy)!

Since this happened literally the day after the infamous Bluey's incident I have to wonder if this is really going to be my year..... But I do know now, without a doubt, that I really AM that stupid!

Blueys (or, "just my luck")

2007-12-31T09:25:00.000+11:00

My lovely friend Jeffrey came to town for New Year's and roped me into going to the beach with him. Now Sydney has some gorgeous beaches, and Jeffrey (being the fly guy he is) insisted on Tamarama (aka, Glamorama ). Glamorama, excuse me, Tamarama, is THE BEACH for the beautiful people so I should have had an inkling that this was not the place for me. But I went along good naturedly, put on my nicest bathing suit (I only have one so the choice wasn't hard) and plonked my white, gym-starved self down among all the amazing bronzed European bodies.

Things were going along fine and we were having a nice time catching up and admiring all the hotties around us, but no....I couldn't leave well enough alone and decided to drag myself out into the water....WHERE I PROMPTLY GOT STUNG BY A BLUEBOTTLE JELLYFISH (see picture below)!*
Now to add a little color to the story, there was no less than 200 people in a tiny bit of ocean, and who was the ONLY person to get stung....yes, yes, that would be me. I'm so proud.

The end of the story is just as embarrassing as I had to drag myself, soaking wet and close to tears, to the Aussie lifeguards who have clearly seen it all before (particularly with tourists). Suffice it to say they did not think it was as big a deal as I did!

* JL is insistent that it was dead and only a couple tentacles brushed past me. I really don't know what he's talking about. :)

Lamb Chop (aka, the "Chopstar" or "Choppers")

2007-12-31T09:20:00.000+11:00

So Adopt-A-Dog has finally come to live with me.....AND HERE SHE IS:

I know, she is kind of funny looking, but sooo adorable in person. We've had her for about 3 weeks and she already thinks she owns the place. She loves to climb right under the covers at night and burrow down to the bottom (no I don't let her stay there....too often). She also loves to eat the mulch out of the garden....I don't know, maybe its the fiber.

Anyway, as much as I love her, and love having her around (especially during my convalescence (which I will post about later) she has had her share of issues already. Here they are (in short form format):

* She was NOT housebroken and has proceeded to do her business in every room in the house besides the kitchen.
* She did not know how to walk on a leash.....soooo JL and I had to suffer through several walks where she just sat there and we finally gave up and carried her!
* She had/has fleas....which refuse to die even after 3 flea baths and 2 doses of Frontline.
* She loves to bark at the gardeners who have been working every day next door. She just sticks her head under the fence and goes to town!
* She had a seizure (or something) that made her unable to walk for a brief period of time. Which resulted in me grabbing her up (in my bandaged and cast covered arms), running to the car (which I can't drive since its the other side of the road here) and rushing to the vet (whose whereabouts were not a little bit fuzzy to me) only to get there and find out that she's pretty much fine.....other than the kennel cough! If its not one thing.....Sheesh.
* Every single time JL gets here she wees on the floor. Every. Single. Time.

So long story short, things have been quite exciting over here for us and the 6 pound Lamb Chop (she came with that name....which we promptly shortened to Chopstar or Choppers). JL has been quite understanding what with all the wee and fleas about (and has thus retained his Rockstar Boyfriend Status).

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

2007-12-18T18:40:00.001+11:00

JL just bought me a fishing pole....and its pink!

In response to my receiving such a lovely gift we had the following conversation*:

Me: I love it and cannot wait to get out there to show those fish a thing or two.

JL: I'm so glad. It was on sale.

Me: I'm pretty sure I'll catch a few just because my rod is so fashionable.

JL: Oh, yes I'm sure.

Me. .....and I'm sure the pink color will lull those snappers into a sense of wonder and acceptance of their fate. I mean, who wouldn't want to be snagged by such a beautiful object.

JL: Fish are color blind babe.

* NO WE DIDN'T. I JUST MADE THIS UP. But I did have the whole conversation (both sides) in my head so in some weird and twisted reality it actually did happen.

Falling in love is NOT the hardest thing....the conference room floor might well be however!

2007-12-18T17:06:00.000+11:00

This is not meant to be a physics lesson because....well, basically because I've never taken physics and if I really had to think I about it I don't think I'd even be able to define "physics" let alone educate anyone on any aspect of it. However, Wikipedia (that great source of ALL knowledge) assures me that gravity is an essential component to the study of physics, and since gravity has recently become an important part of my life I would like to tell you a few things about it.

Firstly, gravity is the natural phenomenon by which all mass is attracted to each other.

Secondly, falling is descent under gravity.

Since I have mass....and the conference room floor has mass.....the obvious deduction from the above statements is that we (the conference room floor and I) would be "attracted to one another" and falling is simply gravity's cute little way of getting us together.

On the other hand, the stiletto heel caught in the rung of a chair, the mug of orange juice flying across the room and bouncing off the table, the knees skidding against the carpet, and the sound waves (read: shrieks) rebounding off the walls (which all accompanied the act of falling) appear to be subject to different physical laws (though gravity appears to operate in some respects as well).* In the same vein, the knee the size of a bowling ball, the goose egg bruises and the subsequent inability to walk following the above encounter with gravity I think are more proper for an anatomy lesson.

If you've come to the conclusion that I, as a student of science (hahahah), tested the theory of gravity out myself recently, you'd be right. But only in the name of Truth, Justice and the American Way (wait, that might have been Superman's motto)! Either way, I'm here to tell you....conclusively....that gravity does, in fact, exist!**

Freaking gravity.

PS - According to certain sources, I might not have fallen because of gravity...it might have been God! Check this link out for a stunningly circular dissertation on why gravity, in fact, does not exist (Proof that gravity is an evil lie from satan (the devil)). And please watch out for the description of gravitons as "fairy folk". I particularly like the little drawing!

* Such as a body at rest tends to stay at rest (heel caught in the rung of the chair).
** ....and a bag of frozen corn kernels definitely helps with the swelling afterwards.

Adopt-A-Dog

2007-12-17T12:22:00.000+11:00

In an effort not to be completely selfish and self-absorbed, I am going to be a foster mom to a homeless dog beginning on December 27th! It's a great program where you take over the care of a dog that has been abandoned/lost until it gets adopted. Since Lucy doesn't arrive until February at the earliest and I have the dog friendly apartment I figured I have a moral responsibility to help some poor helpless creature find a new home (after all, that's how I got Lucy). Plus, I get to have a dog!*

So, I'm taking suggestions for Adopt-A-Dog's semi-permanent name. As we don't know (a) what kind of dog he/she is, (b) what sex he/she is or (c) what color, shape, texture or other descriptive quality he/she may have, all suggestions will have to be based upon other factors. I don't know what.....that's why I'm asking!

So, please help. Otherwise I'm going to be at the dog park yelling "Here, Adopt-A-Dog, here, Adopt-a-Dog" and/or "Adopt-A-Dog! Stop peeing on that man's leg!" Could get rather embarrassing, though on second thought, good advertisement!

* JL is convinced that Adopt-A-Dog is soon going to become "Adopted-by-Kristen-and-John-Dog" but I have determined to stand strong (hahahahahah, fat chance). :)

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat....

2007-12-17T11:05:00.000+11:00

The Christmas season is upon us....even here down under....and I have to admit that I'm having the tiniest bit of trouble adjusting. There are various reasons for this but the first is that IT'S SUMMER! And its hot. I mean, growing up in Southern California it wasn't unusual to have a warm Christmas (I distinctly remember the neighbor girl riding her new bicycle up and down our street in just shorts (i.e., no top of any kind)), but it was still, seasonally, winter. The difference really struck home for me when I was reading a magazine that was describing how to put together a beach themed Christmas dinner. Seriously. Conch shells and all.

Some other notable differences:

* Since Thanksgiving doesn't exist here (if you don't know the reasons why, I will ask you to please stop reading this and pick up a history book immediately) and Halloween is pretty much a non-event (see earlier posts), Christmas decorations have been up since the beginning of October. So we've skipped the paper mache ghosts and hand shaped turkeys and gone straight to the fake evergreens and motorized Santa Clauses.

* The Christmas stocking is replaced by the Christmas pillowcase. Maybe a little greedy, but very smart! My mom sent me off with my stocking, however, so I'll continue in the Hansen family tradition of leaving a stocking for Santa (though I'm thinking of slowly adding dimensions to my stocking each year until its the size of a pillowcase....I mean if Santa is that generous and all, I certainly want a piece of the action!).*

* Pecan/pumpkin/apple pies are replaced by the Christmas Pudding. I haven't yet determined exactly what this is other than (1) it "lives forever"**, (2) has various items of dried fruit in it, (3) you can buy it in a small burlap sack(?) and (4) its boiled! JL LOVES his mom's Christmas Pudding so I'm looking forward to figuring this particular tradition out.***

* Evergreen trees don't really exist in Australia so the idea of having a large cut Christmas tree shedding pine needles all over your living room is relatively new (i.e., friends of ours bought their first one ever this year....and they're in their 30s). Instead families tend to have a potted evergreen type bush which they keep all year round and drag in for the holidays. Environmentally kind, I agree, but what about the process of going to the lot, and picking your Christmas tree out while drinking watery apple cider????

* Apparently, sometimes Santa arrives on a surfboard. I don't know how/when he learned to surf and he sure doesn't seem to be in shape for it, but nonetheless he does. Mrs. Clause must be so proud.

All that being said, Christmas here is essentially the same....loads of shopping, kids barely sleeping the night before, and lots of time with family/friends eating unto sickness. And of course, all the truly important things that you remember at the holidays.... And I'm looking forward to doing it Aussie-style! But I have to admit, I'm REALLY looking forward to Boxing Day! Again, I'm not sure what we're celebrating/honoring (though I'll do some research and fill you in) but I DO know that we get a whole extra day off work where you can sit around and eat! Now that's something to be merry about!

PS -- The Christmas Card pictured above is the only one I'm sending out this year....SO MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! If you aren't happy about this think back to last year, when my Christmas cards went out in February! This, at least, is a timely distribution! :)

* Santa has clearly been favoring Australian children for years. Plus, my mother has left strict instructions that Santa (i.e., JL) is to continue to fill my stocking even though I'm in Australia. "Santa" is very excited, I'm sure.
** Direct quote from JL, December 16, 2007.
*** One thing that has me a little nervous....JL says that if you don't eat all the Christmas pudding you just let it dry out and then boil it again the next year......

Australia in the News....

2007-12-07T12:26:00.000+11:00

I was sitting quietly on my couch with Lucy on one of my last nights in New York when lo and behold the nightly news (Fox News, natch*) actually mentioned Australia.....and without there having to be an Olympic event going on.

And here is the story that made it:

"Taunting Thieves Steal 17 Tons of Ham, Bacon in Australia"

Definitely, DEFINITELY, check it out here. I mean, its worth the click. Not because the story itself is so interesting (though it really is.....) but because I'm frankly astounded that of all the things going on in Australia, THIS is the story that got reported.

Fox News folks....as their catch phrase goes... "We report. You decide."**

* I had to look this up, but "natch" means "naturally" ..... natch. I suspect there must be a degree of sarcasm involved.

** If you think this is some kind of political judgement on Fox News, you should note that I first learned about Britney and K-Fed's pending divorce from CNN.com (headline news, ladies and gentlemen)....

*** ABSOLUTELY funniest response to this report....."At least the note didn't say Happy Hanukkah."

Halloween

2007-12-04T17:13:00.000+11:00

So far, the only thing I don't like about Australia is the fact that no one celebrates Halloween! I'm not sure why, they just don't. The BEST HOLIDAY IN THE WORLD....and it was pretty much ignored. I should add, this is just my personal opinion as I really don't expect other nations to take American holidays....but I MISSED IT! And that made me really sad....

So instead of celebrating Halloween myself, I'll just have to post a photo of my friend Eli at a Halloween party. I think its a classic.

Apparently he thinks he's Clark Kent......or Superman.... Though I'm not sure I've ever seen Superman with a Bud Light in his hand (wait...TWO Bud Lights in his hands).......or with that particular expression on his face.

* The other person is Eli's friend Hollie. I think she's Velma....but I'm not sure.

** For additional photos from Hollie's Blog see here.

Moses (I couldn't help myself)

2007-12-04T16:18:00.000+11:00

The Love of My Life

2007-12-03T12:48:00.001+11:00

LUCY!

*If you want to see Lucy's adoption story and how she won "Cocker Spaniel of the Month", click here.

Hello Sydney....

2007-12-03T12:19:00.000+11:00

Well, I'm saying Goodbye to New York....but Hello to Sydney! Things I am looking forward to about living in Sydney:

* My great apartment in Kirribilli.
* Warm weather.
* Australian politics (yes, they do exist)
* Wearing shorts on Christmas.
* Lamb roasts and meat pies (I've become a convert)
* Taking the ferry to work.
* Joining the yacht club and learning to sail a skiff
* Riding my wicked witch of the west bike
* JL, JL, JL!

And to all my loved ones out there, I'm still only a plane flight away (particularly from Cali) so hop onboard and come visit! Open invitation but you must bring gifts! :)

Stacy's Black Eye

2007-12-03T11:27:00.000+11:00

In response to my sister Debbie's request in her blog (see http://www.debztalkin.blogspot.com/) I will tell the story of "Stacy's Black Eye".

I went to college in Utah, and Stacy was my best friend and roommate. We used to do everything together. One day we went to the mall and after hours of "window shopping" (we were poor students) we were hungy. So we went to the food court to get some potato chips and a gossip magazine to read while eating them. As it was a really busy day at the mall we had to share seating so we sat at a table with some random man and put the chips between us. All of a sudden, this man reached across the table and ate one of our chips. We were in total shock, but how do you say to someone, "ummm, excuse me, I think you're eating our chips", so instead, Stacy just ate one herself. We sat there for a little while in silence pretending to read our magazine with the air thick with tension. And can you believe it...he ate another one! So Stacy ate another one....and then he ate another one, and then Stacy! They went back and forth with this for a while until they were all gone and then the man stood up and walked away. Stacy and I looked at each other in shocked awe, and then burst out laughing. That is, until we picked up our magazine and realized that our bag of chips was underneath!

I was so angry I punched her in the eye (see picture below)!

THIS STORY IS A TOTAL FABRICATION....every ounce of it. Stacy's black eye was actually caused by me trying to get out of the backseat of a hatchback car and her eye getting in the way of my flailing elbows. Poor girl. She still likes me though....I think!

Goodbye New York

2007-12-03T10:29:00.000+11:00

This is my last weekend living in New York, probably forever. While I'm really happy about the direction my life is taking, I am feeling a little nostalgic. I will definitely miss the following:

* My friends! The best in the world.....
* Lupa (Mario Batali restaurant two blocks from my house).
* How you can order anything for delivery....including dog food.
* The first snowfall (before any traffic drives in it, yuck).
* My little apartment, above a bar, in Soho.
* The plethora of taxis!
* Ben's Pizzeria.
* Going out to dinner at 10 pm, and still needing a reservation.
* Having "locals". (I.e., a local bar, a local bodega, a local restaurant...where people know me.)
* The homeless man who begs for change outside my local market....we always have an....interesting...interaction.

But mostly I'll just miss the place that's been my home for almost 8 years. The first place I lived alone. The place I found Lucy. The place I started my career!

New York is difficult, and that's why you have to love it. When I first moved here a friend of mine said, if you can make it here you can make it anywhere. I'm not sure that's factually true, but it FEELS true! I've been lost, verbally abused, threatened on the street with a lamp and lived in the ghetto. I've also chased a cab down the street shoeless, slipped and fallen more times than I can count on icy streets and struggled to sleep through the thumping bass from the bar downstairs. But....I made it! I even made it onto the jumbo screens in Times Square (see below)!

So goodbye to the place of my adult emancipation. I'll always love you!

XOXO

32

2007-11-13T11:01:00.000+11:00

Sooo, I am turning 32 years old on Monday. Yup....thirty...freaking...two. I'm frankly astounded that I'm so old! When did that happen. So far, the only thing that has kept me from throwing myself off the Harbour Bridge (besides how cold the water would be!) is knowing that JL is working on 36!*

Anyway, in attempting to work through my angst at turning thirty...freaking....two, I've come up with the following reasons why this year is going to be THE BEST:

1. 32 is Magic Johnson's basketball number.....I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but I'm taking it as a good omen.

2. I'm finally moving out of the tiniest apartment in the world and into a real adult apartment....with a garden!

3. I no longer have to shave my legs every day. I mean, really. Who cares?

4. Children have to listen to me. Not that they do.... But still, its something.....

5. My boyfriend can wear a Hawaiian shirt to go out on the weekend (ala, an 82 year old Floridian retiree). I'm not sure what that has to do with me, other than it probably wouldn't have happened when I was 23!**

* Not that JL is miserable. In fact, he seems very well adjusted to his oldness. :)

** He actually looked really cute (which he knows), but I'm having a hard time thinking up anything good about being 32 so this is going to have to count. Plus, I don't iron, as my mother can attest to, so sometimes end up wearing bizarre outfits myself.

Meat Raffle?

2007-11-04T16:04:00.001+11:00

In the great Aussie tradition, last Wednesday night JL won THIS at the pub:

Oh, yes. This IS a tray of meat, and he won this tray of meat in a raffle at his local pub the Nags Head. The most, ummm, interesting thing about this is that he had a choice between the above and a $50 gift certificate.......But as he explained to me, the meat tray is a "great Aussie tradition".*

Since I had to carry this home, I was very glad we only had to walk across the street to get there....carrying a platter of raw meat under my arm at 11 p.m. was a little strange....

But long story short, look how HAPPY he is!!!!

Oh, the joy of meat!

* And as I explained in return, in the great "American tradition" I would be happy to eat it!

"I may be crazy, but it keeps me from going insane" or a stroll through the Royal Botanical Gardens

2007-10-31T11:13:00.000+11:00

I'm in NY right now, land of the crazies, BUT....I won't escape that simply by moving to Sydney. Last month, JL and I decided that instead of walking straight back from my office to my apartment, we would take a nice stroll through the Royal Botanical Gardens. It was a lovely night, and the first day of daylight savings time, so even at 6:45 p.m. it was still warm and sunny out. What a nice idea right??

Wrong.

We saw beautiful, rare plants from around the world, huge fruit bats, great views of the harbour AND..... a woman, randomly screaming her head off among some reeds.....with her pants down around her ankles.*

To top it off, we got LOCKED in the garden and couldn't get out! Let me tell you, the fruit bats don't look so cute when they're taking to wing in the dark and you're stuck in a wooded area with a crazy woman.

Luckily we found a nice ranger to direct us to the last open exit....unluckily for us the crazy woman didn't and hunted US down for them. Strangely, her request for directions was quite polite....and even more unnerving since as soon as she got them, she began screaming again!**

To top it off, I failed to get even one decent photo of the bats. I did get the below, but as you can see, they kind of fail to show....well....anything really.

*Please don't be disappointed, but I failed to get a picture of that!

** JL assured me he knew defensive tactics and could have protected me in the event of an altercation.....which....of course....I believed.

The Century Egg

2007-10-26T09:46:00.000+10:00

As many of you already know*, I was recently sent to Hong Kong for 5 days for work. Luckily for me, it was over a weekend, so JL jetted over and we spent a couple of days doing the tourist thing. Truth be told, I had pretty low expectations of Hong Kong** so I was pleasantly surprised to find that I really enjoyed being there (other than the work part). While I could give you a play by play description of what I did and saw every day, that would take forever, so I'll just give you the Sports Center version....

THE PENINSULA PAIN

JL in front of the notorious
Peninsula Hotel....

The Kow l o on Peninsula, just a ferry ride from Hong Kong Island, is the home to a venerable old British hotel by the name of the Peninsula Hotel. Apparently it is quite famous for its high tea and is a "must see" when you're in Hong Kong. Well JL and I, hearing that it could be a bit uppity (or "upmarket" as they say in Oz), got ourselves to our hotel one afternoon, showered, changed (I put on a pink and white striped sundress) and headed over there to experience this civilized society tradition. BUT.....we were refused service.....because I was wearing FLIP FLOPS! Mind you, there were loads of fatties in khaki capris and hiking boots lounging all over that place! Yet, when I pointed this out to the concierge I was simply informed that it was "about the shoes." Needless to say, I left if a huff and determined that the Peninsula Hotel would not be getting our business again (fyi, I'm sure they're crushed).

THE FOOD FRENZY

Where can you get various and random parts of a cow mixed in with noodles and spicy sauce AND eggs that are 1000 years old****? You got it....Hong Kong!

The "Mixed Beef Noodle Soup" was ordered by me at a tiny little hole in the wall restaurant in Kowloon. The "mixed beef" portion turned out to consist of beef brisket, beef tendon***, stomach and intestines. And, much to JL's disgust, I ate it. (POP QUIZ: At this same hole in the wall restaurant I peed into a hole in the ground and I stuck my gum in the bill. Which do you think was socially acceptable and which garnered looks of disapproval from the restaurant workers? Did you say gum? Makes you wonder.)

If you look closely you can see a piece of stomach and a piece of intestine on the spoon.

But note how much is missing! I ate a LOT.

And then there were the Century Eggs which were given to JL and I as a pre-dinner appetizer one night. Let me just say, that while I am adventurous eater (see above), when these eggs were set down in front of me I really couldn't imagine putting them in my mouth (actually, I couldn't imagine what they WERE....we had to have it explained to us which was quite embarrassing.....).

Photo of the Century Egg - cut in half. Yes...it DOES look like rancid finger jello!

JL eating it. The half-eaten egg. Me!

The best part of this story is that the Century Egg tasted like.................egg. Yup. Hard boiled, regular old, eat 'em with toast, egg. There is a historical reason why people eat these, and make them, but as I have limited space, read about it yourself here.)

PIG ON A TRAM

Final story.....one morning JL and I decided to take the historical "tram to the peak". This was, in essence, a way to get to the highest point of Hong Kong Island and take in the views. In the end, the views were lovely (despite the smog!) but JL and I had to endure the following annoyances:

1. The longest line ever.
2. A wasp that kept attacking us while waiting in the longest line ever.
3. Heat and me whining about the heat (really only JL had to endure this. You know I actually got out of line and went and sat in the shade while JL patiently waited in the sun and in the heat....who's a sucker now, huh?).

and finally.....

4. The Russians!

I am very sorry for how this is going to sound (i.e., stereotypical and something-ist (I don't think racist....maybe ethnicist?). I don't mean to be, but these had to have been THE RUDEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. There was a fat one, a medium sized one, and a girl. They were wearing head to toe designer clothes....with the designers name printed all over everything. They tried to cut us in line when we were the last people in the line. And they SUCCEEDED in cutting us in line when we were at the front. Poor JL (who actually had to stand in line). In true JL fashion, he expressed himself with strong emotion.... He called the cutter a "pig". My own description of the man was a little more colorful....but I'll keep that to myself for now!

*Which would imply that "many" people read this blog! Hahahahahahah!

** This is purely based on a certain ex-boyfriend's experiences. I should have realized I couldn't trust his opinions (he's one of those listed in the previous post)!

*** You know I actually really love beef tendon. And check out what this person has to say:

"A good piece of beef tendon is a thing of beauty. A perfectly braised piece of beef tendon has the power to make the world around me seem beautiful even when it’s falling apart. The texture of diligently and affectionately braised tendon is transcendental. Its mucilaginous coating and firm yet gelatinous bulk force my eyeballs upwards into an ecstatic
examination of my eyelids."

I think this person might be a little....off.

**** As if these were really 1000 years old...... they were probably like a week old. Check out that link for the recipe on how to make them yourself!

Why I'm Not Married

2007-10-25T11:54:00.000+10:00

This post is for my Mother....who wants to know WHY I AM NOT MARRIED. Here is the answer....

I have dated the following guys (just the highlights):

1. Prescription Drug Addict Guy
2. Bulimic Guy
3. The Guy Who Stood Me Up Because He Was in Jail.
4. The "I Love You But I Just Can't Commit" Guy
5. The "No Wife of Mine Will Ever {insert activity here}" Guy
6. The Guy Who Freaks Out when You Spill Water (plain water) on the Carpet
7. The "Let's Get Married After 2 Dates" Guy
8. The Guy with No Toes
9. The Guy Who Couldn't Tell Me Where He Worked (read: CIA)
10. The Whiney Guy
11. The "I Can't Make a Decision on What To Eat For Dinner Without Your Input" Guy

AND FINALLY

12. The Walk Into the Bar and Find Him Making Out With Someone Else Guy!

Frankly, I'd rather be the crazy cat lady.

* For further information on any of the above, which I assure you, all really happened, send me a comment and I'll fill you in. You should note, these are just highlights....there have been loads of others. Of course, JL is not included in the above....at least not yet!

Bogong Moth Update II (i.e., the Hong Kong Migration)

2007-10-25T10:52:00.000+10:00

I have a confession to make.....JL and I may have single handedly caused the infiltration of the Australian Bogong Moth into Hong Kong. It wasn't on purpose....I promise you that. But it cannot be denied that at least two Bogong Moths did stowaway in our luggage (unbeknowst to us)....and did happen to break free and fly away upon our arrival (and unpacking) in Hong Kong.*

I see two main problems with this, which is why I would like to ask each of you to keep this "confession" to yourselves:

1. I did not declare the Bogongs at customs. I assume there must be some type of quarantine situation for the importation of moths? And/or some kind of duty to be paid? I don't know (and I'm not checking now!) but I certainly didn't do either of those things.... and I don't know if I'm up to a stint in Chinese prison....

2. If in 10 years time, China is swarming with a plague of moths, I'll know it started with the two moths that hitched in in my Pierre Cardin (bought on eBay) luggage.

On the bright side, Hong Kong is pretty hot and humid, which I don't think the Bogongs like (see earlier post) and they did escape into the Ritz Carlton Hotel, which everyone knows, is difficult to leave at the best of times. Perhaps they'll just stay there, eating the chocolates that come on the pillow with the nightly turn down service and letting the Bath Butler run them nightly "Relaxation" or "Chinese Herbal" baths.** The Bogongs have been so busy plauging the Aussie's lately....they could probably use the stress relief!

* JL killed at least one other moth that was hiding in his shoe. Poor thing must have died a horrible death since JL walked around on him for almost an entire afternoon before finally giving into the "what the h-ll is in my shoe", stopping in the street, and pulling out a dead moth. I was mildly nauseated to say the least. It just goes to prove the old adage, if there's a rock in your shoe GET IT OUT cause it might be a moth....yick.

** The Bath Butler at the Ritz Carlton is a real thing. Check it out. Crazy!

In Defense of Lawyers

2007-10-23T23:45:00.000+10:00

I've been a pretty poor blogger this past couple of weeks because I have been getting crushed at work (literally, crushed).... Case in point, I've been sent to Hong Kong for the past 5 days to close a deal and have been working til 5 a.m. every night! So apologies, and I'll get better....

In Defense of Lawyers

My father hates lawyers....with good reason I'll add. But, as I AM a lawyer, I would like to make the following points in their defense:

1. We don't WANT to work til 5 a.m. every night pushing paper for whiney clients....we do it because whiney clients work til 5 p.m., when they send the information over to us and say, "can we please have a draft of this by 9 a.m. tomorrow" -- then they go out for dinner.*

2. Clients set the pay scale....they basically want us to be available 24 hours/7 days a week.....think of how much you'd have to pay a plumber for that kind of service. You want me to work on Christmas? Fine, but you'll pay for it.

3. Yes, we're mean, yes we're grouchy, yes, we'll push a grandma in front of a moving vehicle if it gets us to that meeting on time....BUT....we've also subsisted on 2.5 hours of sleep per night since leaving law school. Caffeine has become the foundation of the food pyramid.

4. We're out of shape, unhealthy, tired, stressed, living on caffeine, living with ulcers, lonely (since we can never maintain friendships) and unkept (since, truly, showers are optional).....long story short, we're miserable, stressed-out secretaries, at the beck and call of people who are only concerned with themselves.

Yet STILL, we're the butt of hundreds and hundreds of lawyer jokes** and the recipients of true animosity (bordering on hatred). My point? Give the lawyers a break. We're miserable too.....

* "Please" in this scenario, actually means, you will do this, and you will like it, or we will fire you and hire {Blank} law firm instead.....

** See Lawyer Jokes.

Why I'm Glad I'm Not an Old Man

2007-10-05T17:02:00.000+10:00

We just got a new associate in our office. She's young. She's thin. She's very pretty. (She's also called Robin.) Plus she has a cute Texas/German accent (I know, but it works)!

We also have an older, grey-haired, male partner in our office.

I just overheard this conversation:

Partner: Robin....Rob.....Ob.....Bin.....
Robin: errr, yes?
Partner: Does anyone ever call you anything but Robin?
Robin: Hmmmm, not really, no.
Partner: Really? Never?
Robin: Umm, no. Just Robin.
Partner: Not even Rob?
Robin: Err, ummm, nope, just Robin.
Partner: Hehe, I'll call you Rob then!
Robin: Ummm, ok....

Why can Old Men get away with anything? I wanted to smack him and say, you're old, you're gray, you're married! You can't flirt with a pretty Texas/German girl when your skills are out of date by 3 decades!

But I didn't.

Next time for sure.

Aussie Sayings

2007-10-05T12:48:00.000+10:00

The below are some Aussie sayings I learned from JL:

"brekky" - breakfast
"chuff" - very proud (i.e., he was "chuffed" with himself)
"how you going" -- how are you today?
"swish" - fancy
"upmarket" - uppity
"cuppa" - drink of some sort but most usually a cup of tea
"piss" - alcohol (yuck)
"champers" - champagne
"roadie" - take one (of anything) for the road
"the dog's breakfast" - crap (not literally, but more like, this section of your article is the dog's breakfast (crappy))
"puffed" - out of breath
"tracky decks" -- sweatpants
"DTs" -- speedo type bathing suits
"slapper" -- slutty woman
"tosser" -- jerk (man)
"hand on it" -- wanker
"wanker" - jerk/idiot (man)
"ping" - email (as in "ping him")
"arvo" - afternoon
she'll be "apples" - everything will be alright
"daggy" -- looks bad (but usually addressed to someone you like)
a "dill" -- someone who's not too smart
"garbo" - garbage collector
"good-on-ya" - congratulatory or sarcastic remark (depending on the tone of the voice)
"prezzie" - present

Yeah... I know its confusing. That's why I'm giving you this handy little list. Because you know you'll need it someday!

Bogong Moth Update

2007-10-05T12:34:00.000+10:00

As it turns out, my mother was actually disappointed at the lack of pictures of the Bogong Moth. So here's to you Mom:

Update: they must be managing to get into my apartment through a vent or something because I got home last night and it was like a Bogong House Party. And they actually seemed offended that I was there. I'm thinking about charging rent.

For another person's interesting (and very accurate) take on moths, please see her I Hate Moths website. It's a very good read.

Bogong Moth Damper

2007-10-03T23:19:00.000+10:00

We are now in the midst of the great Bogong Moth Migration. What this means practically is that I came home from work today, and there was JL, standing in the hallway, with the door wide open, practically swarmed with these dang moths. They were everywhere -- clinging to his hair, perched on his shoulder, divebombing the neighbors (that part was funny). We then spent the next 2 hours alternately crushing them with a dustpan, and charging them with a can of bug spray. In all honesty, I think we must have killed or captured and released over 60 of these things (and this is in my tiny tiny apt (see previous post)).

Poor JL.

Anyway, to make a long story short, after such a fun filled evening* I really felt the need to come and do a little internet research and here are the fun facts I found out:

1. Bogong Moths migrate over 1000 km every year.
2. In certain ancient caves, the floors are covered metres high with dead moth bodies.
3. A Bogong Moth even starred in the closing ceremony of the Sydney 2000 Olympics, when it perched on opera singer Yvonne Kenny during her performance.

BUT HERE IS THE KICKER.....

4. PEOPLE EAT THEM.

Oh yes. They do. In fact, I found this handy little recipe right there on google:

Bogong Moth Damper
Before arsenic** found its way into the moths, they made a fine dinner. Here's a modern adaptation of an ancient recipe.

A generous handful of moths
1 cup plain flour
1 cup self-raising flour
1 cup powdered milk
1/4 teaspoon raising agent
water

Using a mortar and pestle (or near equivalent) pound up the moths with the powdered milk. Mix in the remaining dry ingredients. Add sufficient water to make a stiff dough and shape into a ball. Flatten the ball to a height of 2.5 centimetres, lightly flour the surface and cook in ash, camp oven, or domestic oven until cooked through. Serve hot.

I really wish we hadn't of gotten rid of all those dead moths now (JL sucked them up with the dustbuster). Could have made a fantastic feast!

Excuse me while I go vomit.

* Actually, it was a little bit fun....I particularly liked it when JL, standing in the kitchen with the dustpan in one hand and the bug spray in the other, announced "I am Praying Mantis." I don't know what that means exactly, but it was sure funny.

** Arsenic????....YOU'RE EATING A MOTH FOR CRAP'S SAKE! I would think you would welcome death after that.

The Lilliputian Palace

2007-10-03T09:16:00.000+10:00

I have lived in some small apartments in my time. I guess its the old joke about New York, but those of you who are not actually New Yorkers have no idea how bad of a joke it really is.

First, there was the apartment in Clinton Hills, Brooklyn (and with no intentions of offending anyone I do have to add, that it was in the ghetto -- and really, shouldn't you at least get a decent size apartment when you're living in the ghetto??). My bedroom in this apartment was tiny. Really, almost nonexistent. Let's put it this way, I had a futon, and when I folded it out, it took up the entire room. And the TV was in the closet!

Then there was the second Brooklyn apartment, this one in Brooklyn Heights which is, ostensibly, the "nice" part of town. This one was so small it only had a mini-size fridge in it! I'm talking the mini-bar variety like you see in some of the better hotels. If you put some OJ and yogurt in there it was a tight squeeze.

Finally, there is my current New York apartment. It's definitely a step up from the earlier two (and is in Soho which I adore) but to make my point, my pup Lucy doesn't even have to lift her head to watch me walk from one end to the other.* Yes, its that small.

But all of that pales in comparison to the apartment I'm living in in Sydney. It is the smallest apartment I've ever lived in......tiny....miniscule. Yesterday there was a moth on the chair across the room and I felt crowded.** It is so small that the kitchen sink (and accompanying dishdrying area) IS IN THE LIVING ROOM. Yep, just sticking right out of the wall. The kitchen, on the other hand, is in the small hall you walk through as you come in the door. To tell you the truth, I'm not actually sure why they bothered with the kitchen sink....after all, you can reach the bathroom sink, turn on the taps, and fill a saucepan with water all while stirring the pasta sauce on the stove. It is THAT small. To illuminate my point, here is a picture from the website that pushes this Lilliputian palace:

Does this look spacious to you? Please note the kitchen sink to the far left of the picture. Oh, and this had to have been taken with someone standing ON the couch, back pressed against the windows. Basically, this is the whole apartment. For more pics see here.

Now what I don't understand is WHY? Australia is the 6th largest country in the world (by pure land mass territory) but it only has the 53rd largest population. Seriously, it's not for a lack of space! Spread out people. The rest of the world is waiting for you.

Oh and HERE IS THE BEST PART....ITS $800 A WEEK! No joke. Someone should be sued. Thank goodness I'm a lawyer!***

* She does though. In fact, she will follow me from the living room, to the bedroom, to the kitchen, to the bathroom and back to the living room. All of which amounts to about 10 steps.

** For some reason there has been a moth infestation the last couple of days. Trust me, its worth its own blog so you'll see it sometime soon.

*** My company pays for it so I really shouldn't complain. It's the principle of the thing though....I mean really!

The Big 4

2007-10-02T08:55:00.001+10:00

It was Labor Day in Australia this past Monday which meant a NATIONAL HOLIDAY (well actually, it wasn't national as some states don't get it....I couldn't begin to tell you why though I'm assured it has something to do with horse racing)!

That being said, JL and I decided to take advantage of the day off work and head down to Kangaroo Valley for a night of camping (and Wombat hunting). The highlights of the trip include the following:

* Arriving 45 minutes before dark even though its only a 3 hour trip from Sydney.
* Having small disagreement when JL decides to drive randomly (and slowly!) through the campground looking for the perfect campsite before returning to the first one I pointed out.
* Attempting to set up the BIGGEST TENT EVER MADE.
* Attempting to set up the BIGGEST TENT EVER MADE lengthwise into gale-force winds.
* Having the biggest tent ever made's poles snap in half (according to my predictions and in direct contradiction to JL's vehement assertions that "these tents are made for tough conditions").
* Hearing JL curse and swear before promptly getting his hand pinched into the snapped tent pole after which the cursing and swearing promptly redoubled.*
* Repacking the car (in the dark) and driving to civilization (motel in Berry).

Still it ended up being a great weekend as I managed to spot the Big 4:

1. Red Kangaroos.

2. Wombats.

3. Echidnas (did you know, only one of two surviving monotremes**).

4. Pippys.

OK, maybe those aren't the official Big 4 and yes, a Pippy is a mollusk....but I still found them all in the wilds of Australia (or at least the wilds of the Australian national park system) within a 24 hour period! JL was also very proud of the Echidna spotting as it was from a moving vehicle (though I incorrectly shouted "hedgehog" when I saw it meandering along the side of the road). I did manage to get some real photos of each of the above as well (other than the kangas who are notoriously cagey***) which I will post one of these days.

* Note: Artistic license has been taken -- JL is actually quite a calm person, so swearing and cursing really meant a bit of mumbling under his breath, small frustrated sighs and half-hearted attempts at keeping an up-beat attitude. Let's be honest, this is rather boring (though a lovely way to deal with stress), so I've decided that since this was, in fact, JL's version of "cursing and swearing" I was free to refer to it as such.

** Taught to me by JL who seems to know everything about everything -- granted, he was overly confident about the tent.....but I like to think of that as optimistic, rather than wrong.

*** An absolute lie. Kangaroos will lie there looking at you and cleaning their pouches until you are pretty much standing on top of them. But I missed the picture opportunity and this is MY blog after all.....