New Zealand!

So I'm off for a long weekend in New Zealand! Don't be sad, I'll be back very soon (Tuesday to be exact) and in the meantime, here is a list of some fantabulous blogs I've found recently*:

http://www.madmadhousewife.blogspot.com/

http://lastgoodnerve.com/

http://omightycrisis.blogspot.com/

http://www.denataylor.com/musings/

http://femblog.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Oh, and when I get back I'll be sure to post loads(!) of boring personal photos of my vacation. You'll LOVE it! :)

*Hopefully none of these people will mind that I've linked to them....oh well! :)

Work shmerck

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy." (Charlie McCarthy)
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OK, who likes working? Anyone? I don't mean, enjoys the occasional feeling of success at having figured out a difficult project, or twinges of pride at finally getting that darn promotion. I mean, really likes the day to day fact of getting out of bed, putting on a suit (or a strippers costume, as the case may be) and going to the same old place, day after day after day after day..... It is truly endless.

I think there must be people out there that like it. Right? There must be since its become a world-wide OBSESSION this whole working thing. I tell you, I'm fed up! Who decided that getting up at 6:30 a.m. everyday, slogging through the rain to the overpacked and overheated train, smelling whatever crappy cologne is permeating the whole car for an indeterminable amount of time just to get to an office where you will be underappreciated, unrecognized and fulfill almost no purpose in the world should be the norm? I didn't get a say in the matter....no ballot was cast....not even a crappy show of hands.

Well, I am logging my official complaint. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Work. Every. Day. It has to be said. And frankly, I'm very disturbed that more people haven't logged this same complaint! What is up people??

Bummer about the whole not wanting to sleep under a freeway overpass thing though. It does throw a crimp in my plans....

The 5 Best Diets

There are oodles of "diet" programs out there so there is no reason for me not to get fit, right (she says while licking miniscule remains of Mint Slices off her fingers....yummmm)? I've been thinking about this off and on since I entered my thirties and my body started to "settle" (towards the ground). After some extensive research I've determined the 5 best diets out there. I am sharing this knowledge with everyone since I know it is sometimes difficult to parse through all the crap that is out in the world to really determine what will work!

The 5 Best Diets - Truly!

Number 1: Crack. Yes you will likely end up talking to yourself and sleeping in a cardboard box, but you will, without a doubt, lose weight. I say, small price to pay.

Number 2: Stripping. Its a darn hard workout! Plus you never have to worry about breaking large bills, what with all the singles you could bring home! (Many thanks to my sister Lisa who has logged many hours with "Carmen Electra's Striptease Workout" to provide us with this invaluable information. You go girl!)

Number 3: Become a vampire. You're bound to lose weight when all you can consume is blood. As a bonus you get immortality and super powers...bummer about the whole sun thing though.

Number 4: Sleep a lot. I mean like all the time. You can't eat when you're asleep (wait, that might not be true....I'm pretty sure I once sleepwalked (sleptwalked?) to the refrigerator and ate a whole pecan pie...oops, ignore that. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about! Pshah!)

Number 5: Eat heathily and start a regular exercise regime. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Well there you go. I'm sure you must feel better informed now and we'll all be fit before we know it!

PS - This is certainly not an endorsement to start smoking crack, sucking blood, or stripping....though without a doubt I think we could all do with more sleep!

Gardening....(or, what the hell is wrong with those plants?)

For the first time in my life I am living in a home with a garden. It's small and was already pretty much fully cultivated by the time I got there....but it was gorgeous! And after 2 months of living there....I'm already starting to kill it.

I think Mother Nature has it in for me....

I sow mint, she sends ants to build a colony in the pot.

I plant strawberries, she spreads the word to the bird population of Kirribilli.

I plant herbs, she sends snails and little green crawly things.

I plant a lemon tree, she sends scale (what IS that anyway), tiny red spiders and other things that are (so far) totally unrecognizable.

There must be a lesson in this. What is it? What could it be? Oh, that's right....I'M A TERRIBLE GARDENER! Bugger.

Well, here are some pictures anyway. Please try to note the serenity and inherent beauty in all plant life (even some that is partially dead) and maybe you'll get some enjoyment out of these anyway! :)

<=== Cute little lemon tree.

JL takes time to smell the....creepy crawly insects??=================>

The tiny pond! (Looks nice right, pretty lily pads and papyrus...and filled with mosquito larvae....)

Almost dead geranium (we think) and a pretty bush that seems to actually be doing well!

<==== A Native Australian grass tree! No way to tell if this thing is living or dying since I think it takes like 600 years to grow!

Star jasmine....sadly, not in flower.=====>

The back path of the garden. None of these plants have received any attention from me AND appear to be flourishing!

<===The strawberry plants. So precious...and aren't we nice to feed the neighborhood birds!

Big A$$ Australian Spider - Update

Now, you KNOW you want to see this....

Photos of an actual spider from my actual garden taken the day after the last post. And you thought I was joking.....

Yes that is John's hand next to the spider. It's hard to tell, but his hand is actually right next to it....how he did that I have no idea. But it gives you a good indication of how freakingly humongous these spiders actually are.

It isn't ok....not ok at all....

Big A$$ Spiders of Australia

Let me preface this post by saying that I HATE SPIDERS. I don't mean, that I don't like them, or get kind of funny if the poisonous kind are, say, sleeping on the pillow next to me. I mean, that I HATE SPIDERS. Passionately. Unequivocably. HATE. Them.

And now I've moved to Australia....which has to be The Spider Capital of the World. The other night (prior to the Big Chopstar Adoption of 2008) JL and I were walking the dog and I happened to walk into the most mammoth spider web ever. Seriously. I think I got whiplash. It was like walking into a tuna net! And then we saw the spider! Which was the size of Mohammad Ali's fist! This spider could have eaten the dog....and still wanted dessert. Luckily I got her out of there in time, but it was a very close call.

So, I thought since I have to suffer....so should you all....

Both of these spiders live in my garden....freaking fantastic.....





This lovely fellow got into bed with me one morning!



I don't know WHAT this is but WTF!


And THIS guy lives only in Sydney....and is crazy poisonous....lucky lucky me....

But I do have to say that I have been getting much better since moving here. The other morning there was a Daddy Long Legs in the shower with me and I only screamed for 5 minutes or so before calmly (read: frantically, desperately) washing it down the drain. I was so proud I took the day off the diet (see earlier "Fatty Fatty Two by Four" post) and went and had a plaque made ("Worlds Finest Spider Wrangler"). Yeehaw.