Shooting From The Hip

WARNING

The below has 3 instances of Rated R cursing. I apologize, but I feel this is necessary for a true telling of this story. (Again, sorry Mom!)

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I have a bad boss. Wait....I really mean it....a bad bad bad BAD boss. He is rude, overbearing, back-stabbing, and a bully. I could give you numerous examples of the kind of guy he is, but I'll just tell you one, from today:

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Bad Boss: [Charging into my office, no greeting, no knock; begins spastically shaking an agreement at me.]

WHY DID YOU ADD THIS PROVISION? ITS NOT IN THE MODELS! WHY DID YOU DO THIS? DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID!

Me: It was in your mark-up, so I made the changes.

Bad Boss: WELL WHAT THE F*CK DO I KNOW? I'M JUST SHOOTING FROM THE HIP! YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE F-CKING MODELS.! IT'S NOT F-CKING ROCKET SCIENCE! [Charges out of office]
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Now what I truly love about this story is that he is such a colossal fool that he doesn't even recognize that either (a) it truly is rocket science since he screwed it up in the first place or (b) maybe, as a partner in a law firm, he should KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING??? Eh, maybe its just me.

By the way, this is not the first time this has happened. Uh, no. It's just the first time today. AND this is coming on the heels of working until midnight or later for the past three days.

My life rocks.....

Bad bosses aside, I've been working so much that JL has been taking on all of the party preparations himself! What party you ask? Oh, we're having a housewarming party....yes, yes, you're all invited....IN AUSTRALIA! He has been doing very well, but today he made the mistake of asking me what he should be doing tonight. So I sent a list:

General tidying up of all common areas
Clean the kitchen
Clean the floors (including the bathroom floor which is grody)
Straighten up/hide all the stuff in bedroom
Clean the courtyard
Wipe down the outdoor furniture, including the green chairs (note: kill those spiders!)
Clean off the airconditiong unit (which is mainly my stuff I know)
Organize the furniture etc. to allow for seating etc.
Prepare music
Cook dumps
Bake brownies
Cook chorizo and prepare the skewers
Buy prawns and milk and anything else left off the list?
Get ice
Get rid of dead flowers
Get recycling box up from garage
Vacuum
Shred chickens for pita pockets
Boil 8 baking potatoes

Oh, and this is for tonight! The party is tomorrow!

But get this. I sent him this list and you know what he said? "Thank you for the list. There were things on there I didn't think of!" Hahahahahaha! Well, at least he makes up for Bad Boss!

I suspect JL might think his life was much simpler before he met me!

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CHOPSTAR UPDATE

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I've started walking her in the morning and she is being such a good girl now! Sleeps through the night even! I'm very happy she's come back!

And the lucky streak continues! (or, Poor, Poor Canucks)

My horse's name was Mr. Darcy (ala, Bridget Jones).

On Monday morning JL and I went horseback riding in this little town in the mountains of New Zealand called Hanmer Springs (though you know the New Zealanders call in "Ham-ner" Springs, I couldn't begin to tell you why). In a fit of enthusiasm (and likely believing we were 10 years younger) we decided to go on the 2 1/2 hour trail ride. What we didn't know is that this involved trotting AND cantering along very narrow rough trails, under low hanging branches and around very tight curves.

I know what you're thinking, especially those of you that know me well.....but no, I did not fall off the horse! Surprise surprise! Of course, I still can't walk (2 days later) but that's another story altogether. What DID happen is that somehow I was bitten by the most virulent strain of (non-biting, according to the "infinitely knowledgeable of all things New Zealand" Canadian tourists on our ride) tiny flies to buzz along the face of this planet. My index finger has subsequently swelled to triple its normal size! I swear I look like I have a club hand....and its not like my hands haven't been through enough lately! Not to mention the huge icky bite on my neck, the 15 additional ones on each hand, ankle and foot, and the random one on my hip (I was wearing jeans!).

JL though...whatta guy. He offered to "pop" my finger with a safety pin. True Love? He might truly be sick in the head.

Speaking of JL, he got on the lucky streak bandwagon this weekend as well after causing a multi-horse pile up during one of those scary-as-crap, I-think-I-might-die canters. He did manage to keep his seat, but one of the poor Canadians stuck behind him as he widely careened out of control, did not. Poor guy came off his horse straight into the bushes!

Now this is the same guy that wouldn't stop talking about how good a rider he was prior to even getting on the horse. Not only that, but he and his wife actually had the nerve to try to tell us that if we get tired we should just let them know and they could slow down! So, even though I know its wrong, and even though I'm probably one step closer to H. E. Double hockey sticks....I couldn't help but be secretly pleased. Karma baby! Plus, the guys "injuries" (I'm not sure what they were...he never said specifically, other than "sore" -- We're all sore buddy! Its a 2 1/2 hour horseback ride!) meant we had to cut out the cantering for the rest of the ride much to the relief of our chafed backsides.

No worries though. After leaving the truly pissed off Canadians behind, we headed to the thermal springs that this town is famous for.....

where we did this:

No! This is not a picture of me and JL....just some better looking randoms. And what, exactly, is that guy looking at?

AND got this:
Totally worth it! :)
PS - Still at work so no chance to download pics just yet. You're stuck with just my ramblings for now.

Chopstar....sheeeee'ss baaaacckk

Even her little butt is cute!

So the good folks who were going to adopt Chopstar aren't going to be able to keep her after all....and I am THRILLED! We get her back tonight and I really cannot wait. I'm so excited. I've missed her cute little face.

I went to visit her in her new home last week (before they decided they couldn't keep her) and she was sooooo happy to see me. She followed me everywhere, only wanted to sit on me, and tried to follow me home. Once I left she apparently sat by the door and cried all night!

But she gets to come home now!!! Woohooo!!

JL is, of course, super excited as well (hahahahahahaha, ha). He LOVES the wee, fleas and constant yip-yapping. Seriously.

New Zealand!

So I'm off for a long weekend in New Zealand! Don't be sad, I'll be back very soon (Tuesday to be exact) and in the meantime, here is a list of some fantabulous blogs I've found recently*:

http://www.madmadhousewife.blogspot.com/

http://lastgoodnerve.com/

http://omightycrisis.blogspot.com/

http://www.denataylor.com/musings/

http://femblog.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Oh, and when I get back I'll be sure to post loads(!) of boring personal photos of my vacation. You'll LOVE it! :)

*Hopefully none of these people will mind that I've linked to them....oh well! :)

Work shmerck

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy." (Charlie McCarthy)
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OK, who likes working? Anyone? I don't mean, enjoys the occasional feeling of success at having figured out a difficult project, or twinges of pride at finally getting that darn promotion. I mean, really likes the day to day fact of getting out of bed, putting on a suit (or a strippers costume, as the case may be) and going to the same old place, day after day after day after day..... It is truly endless.

I think there must be people out there that like it. Right? There must be since its become a world-wide OBSESSION this whole working thing. I tell you, I'm fed up! Who decided that getting up at 6:30 a.m. everyday, slogging through the rain to the overpacked and overheated train, smelling whatever crappy cologne is permeating the whole car for an indeterminable amount of time just to get to an office where you will be underappreciated, unrecognized and fulfill almost no purpose in the world should be the norm? I didn't get a say in the matter....no ballot was cast....not even a crappy show of hands.

Well, I am logging my official complaint. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Work. Every. Day. It has to be said. And frankly, I'm very disturbed that more people haven't logged this same complaint! What is up people??

Bummer about the whole not wanting to sleep under a freeway overpass thing though. It does throw a crimp in my plans....

The 5 Best Diets

There are oodles of "diet" programs out there so there is no reason for me not to get fit, right (she says while licking miniscule remains of Mint Slices off her fingers....yummmm)? I've been thinking about this off and on since I entered my thirties and my body started to "settle" (towards the ground). After some extensive research I've determined the 5 best diets out there. I am sharing this knowledge with everyone since I know it is sometimes difficult to parse through all the crap that is out in the world to really determine what will work!

The 5 Best Diets - Truly!

Number 1: Crack. Yes you will likely end up talking to yourself and sleeping in a cardboard box, but you will, without a doubt, lose weight. I say, small price to pay.

Number 2: Stripping. Its a darn hard workout! Plus you never have to worry about breaking large bills, what with all the singles you could bring home! (Many thanks to my sister Lisa who has logged many hours with "Carmen Electra's Striptease Workout" to provide us with this invaluable information. You go girl!)

Number 3: Become a vampire. You're bound to lose weight when all you can consume is blood. As a bonus you get immortality and super powers...bummer about the whole sun thing though.

Number 4: Sleep a lot. I mean like all the time. You can't eat when you're asleep (wait, that might not be true....I'm pretty sure I once sleepwalked (sleptwalked?) to the refrigerator and ate a whole pecan pie...oops, ignore that. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about! Pshah!)

Number 5: Eat heathily and start a regular exercise regime. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Well there you go. I'm sure you must feel better informed now and we'll all be fit before we know it!

PS - This is certainly not an endorsement to start smoking crack, sucking blood, or stripping....though without a doubt I think we could all do with more sleep!

Gardening....(or, what the hell is wrong with those plants?)

For the first time in my life I am living in a home with a garden. It's small and was already pretty much fully cultivated by the time I got there....but it was gorgeous! And after 2 months of living there....I'm already starting to kill it.

I think Mother Nature has it in for me....

I sow mint, she sends ants to build a colony in the pot.

I plant strawberries, she spreads the word to the bird population of Kirribilli.

I plant herbs, she sends snails and little green crawly things.

I plant a lemon tree, she sends scale (what IS that anyway), tiny red spiders and other things that are (so far) totally unrecognizable.

There must be a lesson in this. What is it? What could it be? Oh, that's right....I'M A TERRIBLE GARDENER! Bugger.

Well, here are some pictures anyway. Please try to note the serenity and inherent beauty in all plant life (even some that is partially dead) and maybe you'll get some enjoyment out of these anyway! :)

<=== Cute little lemon tree.

JL takes time to smell the....creepy crawly insects??=================>

The tiny pond! (Looks nice right, pretty lily pads and papyrus...and filled with mosquito larvae....)

Almost dead geranium (we think) and a pretty bush that seems to actually be doing well!

<==== A Native Australian grass tree! No way to tell if this thing is living or dying since I think it takes like 600 years to grow!

Star jasmine....sadly, not in flower.=====>

The back path of the garden. None of these plants have received any attention from me AND appear to be flourishing!

<===The strawberry plants. So precious...and aren't we nice to feed the neighborhood birds!

Big A$$ Australian Spider - Update

Now, you KNOW you want to see this....

Photos of an actual spider from my actual garden taken the day after the last post. And you thought I was joking.....

Yes that is John's hand next to the spider. It's hard to tell, but his hand is actually right next to it....how he did that I have no idea. But it gives you a good indication of how freakingly humongous these spiders actually are.

It isn't ok....not ok at all....

Big A$$ Spiders of Australia

Let me preface this post by saying that I HATE SPIDERS. I don't mean, that I don't like them, or get kind of funny if the poisonous kind are, say, sleeping on the pillow next to me. I mean, that I HATE SPIDERS. Passionately. Unequivocably. HATE. Them.

And now I've moved to Australia....which has to be The Spider Capital of the World. The other night (prior to the Big Chopstar Adoption of 2008) JL and I were walking the dog and I happened to walk into the most mammoth spider web ever. Seriously. I think I got whiplash. It was like walking into a tuna net! And then we saw the spider! Which was the size of Mohammad Ali's fist! This spider could have eaten the dog....and still wanted dessert. Luckily I got her out of there in time, but it was a very close call.

So, I thought since I have to suffer....so should you all....

Both of these spiders live in my garden....freaking fantastic.....





This lovely fellow got into bed with me one morning!



I don't know WHAT this is but WTF!


And THIS guy lives only in Sydney....and is crazy poisonous....lucky lucky me....

But I do have to say that I have been getting much better since moving here. The other morning there was a Daddy Long Legs in the shower with me and I only screamed for 5 minutes or so before calmly (read: frantically, desperately) washing it down the drain. I was so proud I took the day off the diet (see earlier "Fatty Fatty Two by Four" post) and went and had a plaque made ("Worlds Finest Spider Wrangler"). Yeehaw.

Post-Valentine's Day Wrap Up

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This is the first installment of the series "Why My Life Rocks (and is way better than yours)".

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Yesterday was Valentine's Day and all over the blogging world there were posts from frantic husbands and boyfriends for whom every year February 14 (coming right on the heels of February 13) arrives to shock and despair. These blogs detail emergency calls to the florist, runs to Walmart for the last bag of waxy chocolate, and the desperate card hunting measures that lead to "Happy Birthday" being crossed out and replaced with "Happy Valentines Day".

It has always struck me as strange that men could be so oblivious as to miss all the commercial signs of this impending holiday. Months before the shops start bringing in the red plastic hearts filled with malt balls, the plastic flower posies attached to red stuffed animals....I mean, you'd have to be both blind AND have your nose cut off to miss the color and scent of the masses of sugar and flowers coming into towns at this time of year. But every year it happens....men forget Valentines Day.....

This year was no exception in the JL/KH relationship. Oh, JL did make dinner reservations over a month ago which he confirmed with subsequent phone calls no less than 3 times. And he did show up with beautiful red roses and not one, but TWO different candy offerings (a box of candies, and a chocolate heart). But he forgot one very important thing.....

He forgot that we had agreed not to exchange gifts!

And that, my friends, is why MY LIFE ROCKS!


* PS, I, of course, didn't get him anything, so I'll just give him this:

Happy Valentines Day, Baby! xoxo

Conditioning Crap*

You probably don't know this about me, and, lets be honest, probably don't want to know....BUT....here you go anyway.

Every time I walk into a bookstore I have to use the bathroom! Not to put too fine a point on it, I have to poop! I always thought this was some wierd psycho-sematic response totally personal to me, but guess what! It's not! Loads of people have this same response (see here). But what causes it??

Some people say its conditioning....i.e., you read on the toilet, so then you associate books with having to take a big heinous crap (sorry mom!).

Other people say its an excitement response. This implies that you want all the books so much that you actually have a physical response to the excitement of the prospect.

Finally, still others think that it is due to the mold and fungus in the room, in connection with the air conditioning (I think these are the same people that believe in alien probes but hey, that's just me).

Personally, I think its a physiological response to the fact that you CAN! I mean, bookstores are some of the few retail shops that routinely have toilets (though now I'm thinking this is really the chicken and the egg argument, but with books and poop) which the public can access. And its not like you can just walk around taking a crap anywhere you want. So when you find a place where you can....who would be crazy enough to pass that by?

Not me!

* For those of you who anticipated reading a gushy mushy Valentines Day post....consider this it. :)

Excerpts from Emails to JL

2:35 p.m.

Dont thank me, thank your nazi trainer!

4:42 p.m.

Btw, can we please have a bubble making machine at our party??? Puhleeze??

4:50 p.m.:

YOU CAN'T TELL ME NO! [insert loud and whiney voice] rude.

ps - do you feel better since the wog?

5:52 p.m.

http://mazeville.blogspot.com/2008/02/next-diet-fad-stomach-flu.html

ps, I'm barely restraining myself from calling you every 15 minutes, so you'll just have to deal with random emails! :)

6:02 p.m.

Why are you ignoring me??

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Yes, yes, I am THAT annoying! Tee hee.

Fatty Fatty Two by Four.....

Oh how I wish that I was a squaw....beloved of a stong hunter who would be unabashedly proud of my expanding waistline and growing hips. One who understood my stocky legs and plump cheeks were a signal to the other members of the tribe that he could provide well for me, and that we never suffered through long harsh winters. One who actually thought, ahhhh, my wife is getting fat! and was happy about it.....

But alas, I am not the wife of a bronzed Indian warrior, and my pleasingly plump frame is not a sign of great wealth and an easy life, but instead, a sign of a lazy and slovenly (not to mention unattractive) slob. So, since the fates have viciously set me in this time and place, and made me of European descent, I have determined that it is in my best interest to get fit.

Diet diet here I come!

But in my next life I'm going to be a SQUAW!

In Loving Memory of Chopstar

No....she hasn't died. But she has been adopted. I spent most of Saturday in tears, including when her new adoptive parents were walking out the door with her. I'm a little embarrassed but I just couldn't control myself.

But she is going to live with a very nice couple and with another dog named Roony! He's a full-blooded Maltese and let me tell you, when those two first met it was love at first sight. They couldn't get enough of each other!

So I suppose this is all for the best, though I am still heartbroken. I really miss that little pup!

Here is a picture of her on her last day at the doggie beach....

Love you always Chopstar!! xoxo

Politicking.....Eli Style

As many of you are aware, the States are currently in the throes of a wild democratic party primary race....Obama versus Hillary. My friend Eli (see previous Halloween post for an accurate portrayal of Eli), is a staunch Obama supporter, even going as far as to attend the Obama-thon. No, you didn't misread that....I really did just type O B A M A - T H O N!

Anyway, Eli has taken upon himself to do some "politicking" (his word, not mine). So far this has taken the form of chat room abuse of Hillary supporters, picking political fights with women at bars and adopting the following motto:

"Vote with your heart....not with your vagina!"

The above was apparently said repeatedly by Eli at a party last weekend he attended. I'm sure his hosts were thrilled. His friend Nate (who, previous to this conversation with Eli, I firmly believed was the least tactful person ever born, and who happened to be at the party with Eli), witnessed a woman run crying from the elevator.....with Eli closely on her heels!

When he told me his motto, I was sort of stunned into silence, which is, frankly, unusual for me. But apparently that was the right reaction as Eli says his intent is (and I quote) "to shatter their world....shatter their world."

By the way, this is the man currently caring for my beloved Lucy. Should I be concerned?

Apology to My Yoga Instructor

Dear ______*,

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you for my clearly unacceptable yoga-ness at Saturday mornings first session of the "Beginners" yoga course. I fully recognize how deeply my actions and, likely, my very being, offended your spiritual path to enlightenment and for that, I am deeply sorry.

I would also like to apologize for the following specific things:

1. Failing to understand and respond to random indian phrases related to standing on one leg or nose breathing.

2. Taking a sip of water during a class (i.e., "dashing cold water on a hot rock").

3. Being unable to come up with some alternative reason for joining the class other than exercise, flexibility, relaxation or stress relief -- I now know that since those were listed on the form, they were not properly thought out answers to this question.

4. Shaving my armpits, and wearing deodorant.

Sincerely.....whooops....namaste,
Kristen


*Names have been removed to protect the [relatively] innocent.