Post-Valentine's Day Wrap Up

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This is the first installment of the series "Why My Life Rocks (and is way better than yours)".

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Yesterday was Valentine's Day and all over the blogging world there were posts from frantic husbands and boyfriends for whom every year February 14 (coming right on the heels of February 13) arrives to shock and despair. These blogs detail emergency calls to the florist, runs to Walmart for the last bag of waxy chocolate, and the desperate card hunting measures that lead to "Happy Birthday" being crossed out and replaced with "Happy Valentines Day".

It has always struck me as strange that men could be so oblivious as to miss all the commercial signs of this impending holiday. Months before the shops start bringing in the red plastic hearts filled with malt balls, the plastic flower posies attached to red stuffed animals....I mean, you'd have to be both blind AND have your nose cut off to miss the color and scent of the masses of sugar and flowers coming into towns at this time of year. But every year it happens....men forget Valentines Day.....

This year was no exception in the JL/KH relationship. Oh, JL did make dinner reservations over a month ago which he confirmed with subsequent phone calls no less than 3 times. And he did show up with beautiful red roses and not one, but TWO different candy offerings (a box of candies, and a chocolate heart). But he forgot one very important thing.....

He forgot that we had agreed not to exchange gifts!

And that, my friends, is why MY LIFE ROCKS!


* PS, I, of course, didn't get him anything, so I'll just give him this:

Happy Valentines Day, Baby! xoxo

Conditioning Crap*

You probably don't know this about me, and, lets be honest, probably don't want to know....BUT....here you go anyway.

Every time I walk into a bookstore I have to use the bathroom! Not to put too fine a point on it, I have to poop! I always thought this was some wierd psycho-sematic response totally personal to me, but guess what! It's not! Loads of people have this same response (see here). But what causes it??

Some people say its conditioning....i.e., you read on the toilet, so then you associate books with having to take a big heinous crap (sorry mom!).

Other people say its an excitement response. This implies that you want all the books so much that you actually have a physical response to the excitement of the prospect.

Finally, still others think that it is due to the mold and fungus in the room, in connection with the air conditioning (I think these are the same people that believe in alien probes but hey, that's just me).

Personally, I think its a physiological response to the fact that you CAN! I mean, bookstores are some of the few retail shops that routinely have toilets (though now I'm thinking this is really the chicken and the egg argument, but with books and poop) which the public can access. And its not like you can just walk around taking a crap anywhere you want. So when you find a place where you can....who would be crazy enough to pass that by?

Not me!

* For those of you who anticipated reading a gushy mushy Valentines Day post....consider this it. :)

Excerpts from Emails to JL

2:35 p.m.

Dont thank me, thank your nazi trainer!

4:42 p.m.

Btw, can we please have a bubble making machine at our party??? Puhleeze??

4:50 p.m.:

YOU CAN'T TELL ME NO! [insert loud and whiney voice] rude.

ps - do you feel better since the wog?

5:52 p.m.

http://mazeville.blogspot.com/2008/02/next-diet-fad-stomach-flu.html

ps, I'm barely restraining myself from calling you every 15 minutes, so you'll just have to deal with random emails! :)

6:02 p.m.

Why are you ignoring me??

_____________

Yes, yes, I am THAT annoying! Tee hee.

Fatty Fatty Two by Four.....

Oh how I wish that I was a squaw....beloved of a stong hunter who would be unabashedly proud of my expanding waistline and growing hips. One who understood my stocky legs and plump cheeks were a signal to the other members of the tribe that he could provide well for me, and that we never suffered through long harsh winters. One who actually thought, ahhhh, my wife is getting fat! and was happy about it.....

But alas, I am not the wife of a bronzed Indian warrior, and my pleasingly plump frame is not a sign of great wealth and an easy life, but instead, a sign of a lazy and slovenly (not to mention unattractive) slob. So, since the fates have viciously set me in this time and place, and made me of European descent, I have determined that it is in my best interest to get fit.

Diet diet here I come!

But in my next life I'm going to be a SQUAW!

In Loving Memory of Chopstar

No....she hasn't died. But she has been adopted. I spent most of Saturday in tears, including when her new adoptive parents were walking out the door with her. I'm a little embarrassed but I just couldn't control myself.

But she is going to live with a very nice couple and with another dog named Roony! He's a full-blooded Maltese and let me tell you, when those two first met it was love at first sight. They couldn't get enough of each other!

So I suppose this is all for the best, though I am still heartbroken. I really miss that little pup!

Here is a picture of her on her last day at the doggie beach....

Love you always Chopstar!! xoxo

Politicking.....Eli Style

As many of you are aware, the States are currently in the throes of a wild democratic party primary race....Obama versus Hillary. My friend Eli (see previous Halloween post for an accurate portrayal of Eli), is a staunch Obama supporter, even going as far as to attend the Obama-thon. No, you didn't misread that....I really did just type O B A M A - T H O N!

Anyway, Eli has taken upon himself to do some "politicking" (his word, not mine). So far this has taken the form of chat room abuse of Hillary supporters, picking political fights with women at bars and adopting the following motto:

"Vote with your heart....not with your vagina!"

The above was apparently said repeatedly by Eli at a party last weekend he attended. I'm sure his hosts were thrilled. His friend Nate (who, previous to this conversation with Eli, I firmly believed was the least tactful person ever born, and who happened to be at the party with Eli), witnessed a woman run crying from the elevator.....with Eli closely on her heels!

When he told me his motto, I was sort of stunned into silence, which is, frankly, unusual for me. But apparently that was the right reaction as Eli says his intent is (and I quote) "to shatter their world....shatter their world."

By the way, this is the man currently caring for my beloved Lucy. Should I be concerned?

Apology to My Yoga Instructor

Dear ______*,

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you for my clearly unacceptable yoga-ness at Saturday mornings first session of the "Beginners" yoga course. I fully recognize how deeply my actions and, likely, my very being, offended your spiritual path to enlightenment and for that, I am deeply sorry.

I would also like to apologize for the following specific things:

1. Failing to understand and respond to random indian phrases related to standing on one leg or nose breathing.

2. Taking a sip of water during a class (i.e., "dashing cold water on a hot rock").

3. Being unable to come up with some alternative reason for joining the class other than exercise, flexibility, relaxation or stress relief -- I now know that since those were listed on the form, they were not properly thought out answers to this question.

4. Shaving my armpits, and wearing deodorant.

Sincerely.....whooops....namaste,
Kristen


*Names have been removed to protect the [relatively] innocent.