"Put that magazine down, and back away slowly...."

Since I am newly engaged (and pretty excited about the whole thing) I recently went out and bought an armful of wedding/bridal magazines. They had beautiful glossy covers depicting smiling and glowing brides, and glamorous cakes and flowers, and I was extremely enthusiastic about reading them and starting to get ideas on my own wedding....and....as I turned the first page, and then the second, the third, fourth and onwards, the excitement started to wane and the SHEER PANIC began to set in.

Did you know that you are supposed to start sending out "save the date cards" TWELVE MONTHS before the wedding? You heard me....twelve freaking months! We just got engaged for craps sake!

And if that is not enough, I'm also supposed to have done the following (yes, already!):

(1) decide on a theme for the wedding
(2) decide on a budget
(3) insure the engagement ring
(4) pick wedding date and time and finalize after checking with the location
(5) interview wedding consultants
(6) start viewing wedding gowns
(7) interview caterers
(8) scout reception sites and book it
(9) interview officiants
(10) coordinate engagement party

Now to be fair, I have done some of the above - as you can see from my list below:

(1) decide on a theme for the wedding - Totally done, the theme is going to be "wedding", duh.

(2) decide on a budget - Hahahahahaha! Does, "Oh crap, we've run out of money...." count as a budget?

(3) insure the engagement ring - Yes! Good ol' JL took care of this one! Woot woot!

(4) pick wedding date and time and finalize after checking with the location - Ummm, sometime next year....

(5) interview wedding consultants - Ring ring, "Hi Mom, so what do you think about....."

(6) start viewing wedding gowns - I'm all over this one. I've got SATC on auto rewind....

(7) interview caterers - Yeah, so not happening.

(8) scout reception sites and book it - "Dear JL - Looks like we have to make a trip to Hawaii....and right away! No seriously, its required. Read the freaking magazines!"

(9) interview officiants - You're kidding right? A year in advance? I could become ordained and marry myself in that time!

(10) coordinate engagement party - DONE! (Really, this is pretty much done. I'm all about an excuse to party.)

I can't stress the point enough, that the above is for when you first get engaged or twelve to sixteen months in advance. Every month there is a new list which just gets more and more insane. (What is bonbonniere anyway?)

The only reason I can think for TOTALLY FREAKING PEOPLE OUT WITH THE ABOVE TO DO LIST is that these wedding magazines are designed for those women (and men) who have been planning their own weddings since birth. People who have albums full of pictures and ideas etc etc. You know the type....they're the ones who say "For MY wedding, I'm going to have 57 doves released above my head and a 16 layer cake with layer in the shape of a different city we've visited together and...." (blech.)

That is so not me.

Anyway, long story short, after gathering control of myself, calming the hyperventilation and remembering that some people are crazy - I shut the magazines and put them to the side of the couch. And there they will stay, gathering dust, until the dog chews them up or uses them for a wee pad, both of which would be a perfect end!*

* I must confess that I am getting into this wedding planning thing a bit. But its totally because I seem to have this ingrained need to go above and beyond when planning a party. Trust me, I am so not the perfectionist type (case in point, swing by my apartment on any random day and you will see some things so horrific you may feel a need to immediately swing by the nearest radiation center to have yourself decontaminated), but I simply cannot (CANNOT) just "have people over"....it is not in my DNA. I totally blame my Mom.