Adrenalin Rush

I feel it pumping through my body.....the tingling sensation that seems to start at the base of my neck and travel down my back, through my hips, thighs, shins, down into each of my toes. It radiates through my arms, and hands.

When's it going to come?

I'm waiting.....

The feeling intensifies, pulsing through my body...

Any minute now....any minute now...

My jaws clench and tighten and everything around me looks just a little too bright, outlined by the shine of my nervousness.

My fingers itch to get going, my feet thump a rhythm on the ground.....dadadadaaa dadadaaa.

And then.....

It arrives!

I hear the little ping and my desktop flashes that little icon we all so love to see....the envelope.

The email is here! It's here!

Now I get to do what I've been waiting for for hours, what has caused me so much anticipation and nervousness...

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Forward. It.

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And to think sometimes I wonder if the stress of my job is worth it. Clearly.

I blame my mother

You would think I could just sit back and enjoy my own engagement party -- particularly when it was being completely catered, set-up, cleaned up and handled by the place where it was being held.

But no.

Instead, I had to spend 3 full days hand making invitations and 2 full days making little boxes to hand out candies to guests as thank yous (not to mention the hand made "Please help yourself!" sign). I also felt it was necessary to get up at the crack of dawn to go to the flower markets for fresh flowers and then arrange them in white bags with specially shopped for ribbons, organize a guest book with Polaroid pictures of each guest to be included, buy candies and canisters to hold them and buy a new Polaroid camera and Polaroid camera film (which I had to order from the US and have my mother ship to me). I of course also had to taste test and research all the specialty cupcake shops in Sydney and order and pay for 50 cupcakes (which then had to be picked up from the shop on the day before the party). And none of this takes into account the hours and hours I spent debating, researching, freaking out, discussing with JL, researching some more and freaking out some more.

By the time the day of the durn party came along I was exhausted and in a panic....

And then.....it started to rain....for our outdoor party....

Poor JL - not only did he have to deal with me freaking out, crying and venting, I then put him into a total panic and he had to rush around taking care of all this really necessary stuff that I had insisted upon.

Good times, I tell you what.

This morning I was talking with my Mom and she told me how she had my sister and her family over for a BBQ on Saturday night. Apparently she didn't know what my sister was bringing over so she rushed around shopping, making salads and cutting veggies and of course worrying about whether there would be desert or not. She cleaned the house, bought lighter fluid and BBQ fuel, and generally worked her butt off to get ready for having 6 people over....ALL FAMILY!

So I blame her. I am genetically unable to simply host a party.....my DNA does not permit it. If I don't freak out, its not a party.

Can't wait for the wedding!!!

Friday: A Work Day

K: What was I doing? Oh, yes, I have to call that guy back.

[picks up phone - starts dialing]

K: I wonder what he wants. Wait....Maybe I should just email him. Then HE has to call ME back.

[hangs up phone]

K: Yeah, that's what I'll do.

[stares blankly at computer screen]

K: My head hurts - maybe I should take some medicine. Hmmm, when was the last time I took some.

[picks up meds and looks at package]

K: Were there always an odd number of pills left? Maybe I took too many...or dropped one. What if the dog ate it. Crap, did I put that rat poison up? Did the rat poison get on the floor when the pipes burst. Maybe I should call John.

[starts dialing - hangs up]

K: No I can't call John until I get some work done. What was I doing? Oh, yeah, I have to call that guy. No, no, I was going to email.

[opens Outlook, begins to compose message]

K: As soon as I send this he's going to call me. Maybe I should do my blog reading first. What time is it? 2:39....hmmm. Only an hour or so before I have to meet my trainer. I really hope she's nice today. Did I pack extra underwear?

[rummages through gym bag]

K: Here's some. Wait, I think I wore these yesterday. Maybe I should just cancel. I do have this headache and I already worked out once this week.

[looks up as coworker wanders past. realizes she has a pink thong in her hand. smiles idiotically and frantically stuffs pink thong back into gym back]

K: Well that was smooth. Well, whatever! It probably just looked like a tissue, or something. Ha! Right. Keep telling yourself that Kristen. This is very embarrassing. Quick type something....look busy.

[looks at email already started on desktop]

K: What is this? What was I doing? I wonder why my inbox is so full. Maybe I should delete some emails....but then I have to start filing them...that's probably a better job for Monday. Then I can do the whole week all at once. I wonder what I need to do this weekend. I should make a list!

[whips out pen/paper - begins making a list]

K: (1) clean apartment (particularly rusty water in kitchen)
(2) wash dog

K: ............I should probably just get her groomed. I hate spending the money, but she looks like a freaky Ewok right now....hehe, freaky Ewok. That was a funny blog post today about the Rancor from Star Wars....I should check those other posts. What time is it? Oh, 3:28....I probably have time....

K: No, No! I need to do some work....What was I doing?

[looks at desktop with confusion. sees partial email.]

K: Oh....emails....speaking of....I really should email Mom....

[starts typing email to Mom]

K: Ehh, I really should just call her. What time is it there? 10:29....is that too late? Nah, I've been waking them up for years. I think they're usually up anyway....

[picks up phone, dials]

Ring Ring Ring Ring

[hangs up]

K: I shouldn't call this late. Oh crap! I forgot to call my trainer to cancel. Maybe I should just run down. No, then I'll have to workout, and with this headache and all......I'll just send her a quick text and cancel....

[whips out blackberry and sends text message]

K: Sheesh. Another thing done! What a day.......

K:

[stares blankly]

K:

[stares blankly]

K:

[stares blankly]

K: What was I doing?

[sees email on desktop.....again.....]

K: Oh, emailing Mom.... No. Calling her! That's right. I should really see how Lucy is doing anyway. She's such a good dog! I wonder if she'll remember me when she gets here. I should call and talk to her. I can call Mom and she can put her on the phone.......

[picks up phone. dials international. twice.]

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring

M: Hello?

K: Hello?

M: Hello.

K: Hello.

[laughing hysterically. she always does this and thinks its reeeeaaalllly funny.]

[its not]

M: Yes?

K: It's your favorite daughter!

M: Oh! Hi Debbie!

K: Ha ha, very funny.............................I just called to see how you were.

M: Pretty good. How are you? Busy at work?

K: Yes! So busy! I've been trying to return this guy's phone call all day and I just can't seem to get to it.....

[30 minutes later.........]

K: What was I doing?

By popular demand...

...well, at least, she demanded it, and I like being popular with her.

Have you ever done this? Blogging, I mean. It's not easy. At least, not unless you have something to say. Or, at least, something interesting to say. But, then again, I've never let that stop me doing stuff before.

Kristen started pestering me for the last month or so to be a "guest blogger". I've always been more of a "write a smart alec comment about one of Kristen's posts" kinda guy, than a "think of something interesting to write yourself" kinda guy, so I've been resisting. Or, more accurately, evading. In a "aaah, sure, sounds great!" kind of way. However, evasive tactics only got me so far. With the inexorable passing of time, "ahh sure", becomes "yes, this weekend", becomes, "yes, tomorrow", then you wake up and the best you can do is, "yes, this afternoon, after I finish vacuuming the courtyard (?)" and suddenly it's just "yes". So, time to just do it. Only, I have no idea what to write about. So it goes like this:

J I have no idea what to write about.
K Whatever you want.

J Thinks..."Uh oh". Says..."But it's your blog, what do you want me to write about?"
K *patient but quizzical look* I don't know, write whatever you want to write about, just keep it clean.

J Thinks..."well, there goes most of my material". Says..."But you're the one who wants me to write something! What do you want me to write about?"
K *tersely* Then, just write about something that's on your mind.

J Thinks..."You want me to write about global warming, the future of children in Darfur AND Japanese whaling in the Antarctic? All in one post???". Says..."But..."
K HEY! IF YOU DON'T SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN AND START BLOGGING, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT! AND MAKE IT GOOD! YOU HEAR ME, KANGAROO BOY???

I hate it when she calls me that.

So, here we are.

Those of you who have made it this far will no doubt have cottoned on to the fact that I have no idea what to write about.

BUT WAIT! Mid-post update!!! Kristen just grated herself. Again. Second time this week.

Right. Back to the action! As Kristen says, she may not be interesting (just kidding baby!) but she is definitely prolific. Since I proudly share most things that are going on in her life and have, in some way, been involved in many of the events described in the pages below, it always looked to me that it must be pretty easy to just sit down and bash out a few pages of insight into what's been happening in our lives. Not so! Hence, here we are, line 40 and I still haven't got to the point.

Update on mid-post update. Apparently, grating yourself hurts a lot. A lot. Kids, leave it to the professionals.

OK, I've got it. Here's the point. Actually, here are two points.

One. Kristen has just suggested that this would be a good way for her family to get to know me before we lob up at her mum (sorry, her mom) and dad's place for Thanksgiving. Well, don't we all just wish she'd said that about 47 lines ago? For those who may have concerns (whether formed before or after reading this post) about me joining the extended Hansen clan, please don't take my apparent ability to drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about nothing as a reflection of what it's like to talk to me face to face. Trust me, this is much more interesting.

And two. I'm thinking this will be the last time K asks for a guest blogger!

See you in November!
JL

Making lemonade out of lemons (and other good ideas)....

As I've gotten older I've noticed a disturbing trend....I have to pee...a LOT. I never used to have to get up in the night to go to the toilet, and I don't recall having to dash from Banana Republic to the public toilets in the mall either. I certainly didn't have to sprint past the dog and into the bathroom the minute I got home from work (poor dog) without even so much as a Howdy Do.

But now I feel like I spend half my life in, or wanting to be in, a place where emptying the bladder is a perfectly acceptable activity. And I'm here to tell you, it's definitely not acceptable everywhere.

But there is a point to this toilet talk - two words: urine therapy.

You heard me boys and girls...u-rine-ther-a-py. It's a real thing.

Apparently, by drinking your own urine (there is no mention of the medicinal benefits of drinking other people's urine surprise, surprise) you can cure the following ailments:

* the flu
* the common cold
* broken bones
* toothache
* dry skin
* psoriasis
* AIDS
* allergies
* animal and snake bites
* asthma
* heart disease
* hypertension
* burns
* cancer
* chemical intoxication
* chicken pox
* enteritis
* constipation
* pneumonia
* dysentery
* edema
* eczema
* eye irritation
* fatigue
* fever
* gonorrhea
* gout
* bloody urine (what???)
* smallpox
* immunological disorders
* infections
* infertility
* baldness
* insomnia
* jaundice
* hepatitis
* Kaposi's sarcoma
* leprosy
* lymphatic disorder
* urticaria
* morning sickness
* hangover
* obesity
* papilloma virus
* parasitoses
* gastric ulcer
* rheumatism
* birthmarks
* stroke
* congestion
* lumbago
* typhus
* gastritis
* depression
* cold sore
* tuberculosis
* tetanus
* Parkinson's disease
* foot fungus
* diabetes

And most exceptionally....AGING!

Anyway, since urine appears to be a cure for, well, just about everything, and since I seem to have an overabundance I've decided to (da da daum) sell it!!!

I think I'll start with a small kiosk in the mall, right near the half-off sunglasses.....I'm bound to get some of the overflow business from Boost Juice!

KMH - who is busily guzzling water, as she types....

There were 9 in the bed and the little one said....

As most of you know, I come from a big family....wait, I should re-phrase that....a BIG family. 7 kids, something like 18 nieces and nephews, 2 great-nephews, one great niece and a slew of cousins (too many to count frankly; my math ain't that good). It's always been great, and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but to be perfectly honest....that's BIG enough.

Well, the other day JL and I got an email from his cousin in which he stated, "I can't believe we'll all be related to Kristen" (fyi, I took that as a good, "I can't believe" so no one say anything different dang it!). And all of a sudden it hit me....my family just grew. A. Lot.

JL is one of 5 kids. With our 7, that's 12 combined siblings. Plus their kids. Plus aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, AND a future mother and father-in-law!

Basically, I'm now terrified of Christmas.

Luckily the "L" clan (of JL) is without exception lovely. And I get to have little nieces again - adorable ones at that!

Sarah and Grace. So freaking cute! And its good to know that JL's genes are okey dokey! :)

So, here's to the combined "L" and "H" clan! Proof that bigger is always better (and anyone that says differently lies).

"Put that magazine down, and back away slowly...."

Since I am newly engaged (and pretty excited about the whole thing) I recently went out and bought an armful of wedding/bridal magazines. They had beautiful glossy covers depicting smiling and glowing brides, and glamorous cakes and flowers, and I was extremely enthusiastic about reading them and starting to get ideas on my own wedding....and....as I turned the first page, and then the second, the third, fourth and onwards, the excitement started to wane and the SHEER PANIC began to set in.

Did you know that you are supposed to start sending out "save the date cards" TWELVE MONTHS before the wedding? You heard me....twelve freaking months! We just got engaged for craps sake!

And if that is not enough, I'm also supposed to have done the following (yes, already!):

(1) decide on a theme for the wedding
(2) decide on a budget
(3) insure the engagement ring
(4) pick wedding date and time and finalize after checking with the location
(5) interview wedding consultants
(6) start viewing wedding gowns
(7) interview caterers
(8) scout reception sites and book it
(9) interview officiants
(10) coordinate engagement party

Now to be fair, I have done some of the above - as you can see from my list below:

(1) decide on a theme for the wedding - Totally done, the theme is going to be "wedding", duh.

(2) decide on a budget - Hahahahahaha! Does, "Oh crap, we've run out of money...." count as a budget?

(3) insure the engagement ring - Yes! Good ol' JL took care of this one! Woot woot!

(4) pick wedding date and time and finalize after checking with the location - Ummm, sometime next year....

(5) interview wedding consultants - Ring ring, "Hi Mom, so what do you think about....."

(6) start viewing wedding gowns - I'm all over this one. I've got SATC on auto rewind....

(7) interview caterers - Yeah, so not happening.

(8) scout reception sites and book it - "Dear JL - Looks like we have to make a trip to Hawaii....and right away! No seriously, its required. Read the freaking magazines!"

(9) interview officiants - You're kidding right? A year in advance? I could become ordained and marry myself in that time!

(10) coordinate engagement party - DONE! (Really, this is pretty much done. I'm all about an excuse to party.)

I can't stress the point enough, that the above is for when you first get engaged or twelve to sixteen months in advance. Every month there is a new list which just gets more and more insane. (What is bonbonniere anyway?)

The only reason I can think for TOTALLY FREAKING PEOPLE OUT WITH THE ABOVE TO DO LIST is that these wedding magazines are designed for those women (and men) who have been planning their own weddings since birth. People who have albums full of pictures and ideas etc etc. You know the type....they're the ones who say "For MY wedding, I'm going to have 57 doves released above my head and a 16 layer cake with layer in the shape of a different city we've visited together and...." (blech.)

That is so not me.

Anyway, long story short, after gathering control of myself, calming the hyperventilation and remembering that some people are crazy - I shut the magazines and put them to the side of the couch. And there they will stay, gathering dust, until the dog chews them up or uses them for a wee pad, both of which would be a perfect end!*

* I must confess that I am getting into this wedding planning thing a bit. But its totally because I seem to have this ingrained need to go above and beyond when planning a party. Trust me, I am so not the perfectionist type (case in point, swing by my apartment on any random day and you will see some things so horrific you may feel a need to immediately swing by the nearest radiation center to have yourself decontaminated), but I simply cannot (CANNOT) just "have people over"....it is not in my DNA. I totally blame my Mom.