Australia Day vs. the 4th of July

Last weekend was AUSTRALIA DAY! Well, not the whole weekend....actually just Saturday, but we did get Monday off as a national holiday so it many ways Australia Day was really Australia Weekend.....which I wholeheartedly approve of.

Australia Day is essentially Australia's 4th of July. It's the day set aside to celebrate the first settlement of Europeans on the continent of Australia. By the way, this means criminals. Truly. British criminals at that.....which always has me envisioning Jack the Ripper disembarking from the first ship at Sydney Harbour still dragging a few bloody entrails behind him. While this is clearly not historically accurate (most of the Australian "criminals" were just poor people who stole a loaf of bread), it doesn't stop me from searching the face of every Australian I meet for the telltale signs of genetic madness. I sleep well at night. By the way, Australians of JL's generation (clearly way before mine) think that having an ancestor who arrived with the first fleet (i.e., a criminal) is a status symbol. People of JL's parent's/grandparent's generation.....not so much.

But this is all beside the point. Australia Day is a grand affair with a yacht race (including an amazing replica of Captain Cook's boat (see above)), parties at the harbour, fireworks, concerts, parades....the whole shebang! JL and I spent the morning with Choppers (the dog) down under the Harbour Bridge where we ate gelato and listened to a Celtic bagpipe band while watching the yacht parage. Then we spent the afternoon kayaking around the Manly area. That was great fun as loads of people were out partying on their boats and everyone was very friendly (i.e., drunk)! We were feeling the spirit as well and spontaneously broke out into our personal rendition of Waltzing Matilda while on the water. Talk about a good time!

Now I have to say, as much as I LOVE the 4th of July (and JL has given me permission to have a 4th of July party next winter*), Australia Day clearly kicks BUTT! But I'm sure that's only cause it just happened, and I got the day off work. I'll probably re-think this once July rolls around!


* Yes, July is the middle of winter in Australia....I'm still having homemade ice cream though!

Sophisticated New Yorker Seeks a Life

I don't want to play this up, but I used to be cool.* I mean, I was a sophisticated New Yorker living in Soho among supermodels, A-list actors and euro-trash. I wore designer clothes and always knew which was THE BAG of the season. I knew all the best restaurants and the hottest clubs and my friends would come to me for suggestions on where to host their big birthday bashes.

Since moving to Australia, and particularly since spending the last 10 days alternately sitting on the couch, napping in bed, and meandering through the garden, this has all changed. To illuminate this fact, here is an excerpt of a conversation I had with JL last night**:

Me: Hi honey, how was your day?

JL: Oh, busy. I had to make a margin call, deal with general counsels and attend 3 board meetings for subsidiary companies.

Me: That sounds nice. Do you want to see my chives? I think they've grown a fraction of a millimeter over night!

JL: Ummm, ok, yes.

Me: Oh, and my sprouts are sprouting! Look, see the little white things....isn't that cool!

JL: [Short silence] Lovely....nice job. What do you think about the international whaling crisis?

Me: Has Shamu died??

JL: What do you DO all day?

*By "cool" I mean very marginally not lame.
** Paraphrased (as always).

Welcome to 2008

-----------------------------------------WARNING-------------------------------------------

The below is rated "NSPO" (non-squeamish people only), as it contains truly disgusting imagery!

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I like to think of myself as a fairly well-educated and intelligent person but once in a while I do something that makes me ask, "am I really that stupid"? And on New Year's Day I received an unequivocal YES.

The story begins at about 9 pm on New Year's Day 2008 with me and JL in the kitchen making dinner (salmon with hollandaise sauce if you must know). In preparing dinner I needed the use of a small blender/mixer which JL had on hand. However, it had recently been taken apart and cleaned thoroughly so in order to use it we had to put it back together. We pulled all the pieces out and put the thing together, then plugged it in and pushed on the top to get it going (its the kind that you just put pressure on the top and it goes "whir whir" and blends up the contents....kind of like the Magic Bullet for all of you infomercial watchers out there). Anyway, the thing did not work. So I pulled the top off (which houses the blades), pulled the blades off, turned them over and pushed them back in. Luckily it worked. Unluckily it was in my hands when it started!

So long story short, rather than hollandaise sauce, the blender instead blended my hands and fingers badly enough (think: slasher movie) that JL had to rush me to the hospital where they admitted me right away and scheduled me for reconstructive surgery the next day. I left the hospital less than 24 hours later with both of my hands in casts and bandages.....

I know this sounds bad but the upside is that I got off of work for about 2 weeks, I got my own personal assistant (in JL who had to wait on me hand and foot), I got to spend loads of time with the Chopstar AND I got the promise of a brand new high class, non-hand blending blender of my choice (again from JL, whatta guy)!

Since this happened literally the day after the infamous Bluey's incident I have to wonder if this is really going to be my year..... But I do know now, without a doubt, that I really AM that stupid!

Blueys (or, "just my luck")

My lovely friend Jeffrey came to town for New Year's and roped me into going to the beach with him. Now Sydney has some gorgeous beaches, and Jeffrey (being the fly guy he is) insisted on Tamarama (aka, Glamorama ). Glamorama, excuse me, Tamarama, is THE BEACH for the beautiful people so I should have had an inkling that this was not the place for me. But I went along good naturedly, put on my nicest bathing suit (I only have one so the choice wasn't hard) and plonked my white, gym-starved self down among all the amazing bronzed European bodies.

Things were going along fine and we were having a nice time catching up and admiring all the hotties around us, but no....I couldn't leave well enough alone and decided to drag myself out into the water....WHERE I PROMPTLY GOT STUNG BY A BLUEBOTTLE JELLYFISH (see picture below)!*
Now to add a little color to the story, there was no less than 200 people in a tiny bit of ocean, and who was the ONLY person to get stung....yes, yes, that would be me. I'm so proud.

The end of the story is just as embarrassing as I had to drag myself, soaking wet and close to tears, to the Aussie lifeguards who have clearly seen it all before (particularly with tourists). Suffice it to say they did not think it was as big a deal as I did!

* JL is insistent that it was dead and only a couple tentacles brushed past me. I really don't know what he's talking about. :)

Lamb Chop (aka, the "Chopstar" or "Choppers")

So Adopt-A-Dog has finally come to live with me.....AND HERE SHE IS:

I know, she is kind of funny looking, but sooo adorable in person. We've had her for about 3 weeks and she already thinks she owns the place. She loves to climb right under the covers at night and burrow down to the bottom (no I don't let her stay there....too often). She also loves to eat the mulch out of the garden....I don't know, maybe its the fiber.

Anyway, as much as I love her, and love having her around (especially during my convalescence (which I will post about later) she has had her share of issues already. Here they are (in short form format):

* She was NOT housebroken and has proceeded to do her business in every room in the house besides the kitchen.
* She did not know how to walk on a leash.....soooo JL and I had to suffer through several walks where she just sat there and we finally gave up and carried her!
* She had/has fleas....which refuse to die even after 3 flea baths and 2 doses of Frontline.
* She loves to bark at the gardeners who have been working every day next door. She just sticks her head under the fence and goes to town!
* She had a seizure (or something) that made her unable to walk for a brief period of time. Which resulted in me grabbing her up (in my bandaged and cast covered arms), running to the car (which I can't drive since its the other side of the road here) and rushing to the vet (whose whereabouts were not a little bit fuzzy to me) only to get there and find out that she's pretty much fine.....other than the kennel cough! If its not one thing.....Sheesh.
* Every single time JL gets here she wees on the floor. Every. Single. Time.

So long story short, things have been quite exciting over here for us and the 6 pound Lamb Chop (she came with that name....which we promptly shortened to Chopstar or Choppers). JL has been quite understanding what with all the wee and fleas about (and has thus retained his Rockstar Boyfriend Status).

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

JL just bought me a fishing pole....and its pink!

In response to my receiving such a lovely gift we had the following conversation*:

Me: I love it and cannot wait to get out there to show those fish a thing or two.

JL: I'm so glad. It was on sale.

Me: I'm pretty sure I'll catch a few just because my rod is so fashionable.

JL: Oh, yes I'm sure.

Me. .....and I'm sure the pink color will lull those snappers into a sense of wonder and acceptance of their fate. I mean, who wouldn't want to be snagged by such a beautiful object.

JL: Fish are color blind babe.

* NO WE DIDN'T. I JUST MADE THIS UP. But I did have the whole conversation (both sides) in my head so in some weird and twisted reality it actually did happen.

Falling in love is NOT the hardest thing....the conference room floor might well be however!

This is not meant to be a physics lesson because....well, basically because I've never taken physics and if I really had to think I about it I don't think I'd even be able to define "physics" let alone educate anyone on any aspect of it. However, Wikipedia (that great source of ALL knowledge) assures me that gravity is an essential component to the study of physics, and since gravity has recently become an important part of my life I would like to tell you a few things about it.

Firstly, gravity is the natural phenomenon by which all mass is attracted to each other.

Secondly, falling is descent under gravity.

Since I have mass....and the conference room floor has mass.....the obvious deduction from the above statements is that we (the conference room floor and I) would be "attracted to one another" and falling is simply gravity's cute little way of getting us together.

On the other hand, the stiletto heel caught in the rung of a chair, the mug of orange juice flying across the room and bouncing off the table, the knees skidding against the carpet, and the sound waves (read: shrieks) rebounding off the walls (which all accompanied the act of falling) appear to be subject to different physical laws (though gravity appears to operate in some respects as well).* In the same vein, the knee the size of a bowling ball, the goose egg bruises and the subsequent inability to walk following the above encounter with gravity I think are more proper for an anatomy lesson.

If you've come to the conclusion that I, as a student of science (hahahah), tested the theory of gravity out myself recently, you'd be right. But only in the name of Truth, Justice and the American Way (wait, that might have been Superman's motto)! Either way, I'm here to tell you....conclusively....that gravity does, in fact, exist!**

Freaking gravity.

PS - According to certain sources, I might not have fallen because of gravity...it might have been God! Check this link out for a stunningly circular dissertation on why gravity, in fact, does not exist (Proof that gravity is an evil lie from satan (the devil)). And please watch out for the description of gravitons as "fairy folk". I particularly like the little drawing!

* Such as a body at rest tends to stay at rest (heel caught in the rung of the chair).
** ....and a bag of frozen corn kernels definitely helps with the swelling afterwards.