Blueys (or, "just my luck")

My lovely friend Jeffrey came to town for New Year's and roped me into going to the beach with him. Now Sydney has some gorgeous beaches, and Jeffrey (being the fly guy he is) insisted on Tamarama (aka, Glamorama ). Glamorama, excuse me, Tamarama, is THE BEACH for the beautiful people so I should have had an inkling that this was not the place for me. But I went along good naturedly, put on my nicest bathing suit (I only have one so the choice wasn't hard) and plonked my white, gym-starved self down among all the amazing bronzed European bodies.

Things were going along fine and we were having a nice time catching up and admiring all the hotties around us, but no....I couldn't leave well enough alone and decided to drag myself out into the water....WHERE I PROMPTLY GOT STUNG BY A BLUEBOTTLE JELLYFISH (see picture below)!*
Now to add a little color to the story, there was no less than 200 people in a tiny bit of ocean, and who was the ONLY person to get stung....yes, yes, that would be me. I'm so proud.

The end of the story is just as embarrassing as I had to drag myself, soaking wet and close to tears, to the Aussie lifeguards who have clearly seen it all before (particularly with tourists). Suffice it to say they did not think it was as big a deal as I did!

* JL is insistent that it was dead and only a couple tentacles brushed past me. I really don't know what he's talking about. :)

Lamb Chop (aka, the "Chopstar" or "Choppers")

So Adopt-A-Dog has finally come to live with me.....AND HERE SHE IS:

I know, she is kind of funny looking, but sooo adorable in person. We've had her for about 3 weeks and she already thinks she owns the place. She loves to climb right under the covers at night and burrow down to the bottom (no I don't let her stay there....too often). She also loves to eat the mulch out of the garden....I don't know, maybe its the fiber.

Anyway, as much as I love her, and love having her around (especially during my convalescence (which I will post about later) she has had her share of issues already. Here they are (in short form format):

* She was NOT housebroken and has proceeded to do her business in every room in the house besides the kitchen.
* She did not know how to walk on a leash.....soooo JL and I had to suffer through several walks where she just sat there and we finally gave up and carried her!
* She had/has fleas....which refuse to die even after 3 flea baths and 2 doses of Frontline.
* She loves to bark at the gardeners who have been working every day next door. She just sticks her head under the fence and goes to town!
* She had a seizure (or something) that made her unable to walk for a brief period of time. Which resulted in me grabbing her up (in my bandaged and cast covered arms), running to the car (which I can't drive since its the other side of the road here) and rushing to the vet (whose whereabouts were not a little bit fuzzy to me) only to get there and find out that she's pretty much fine.....other than the kennel cough! If its not one thing.....Sheesh.
* Every single time JL gets here she wees on the floor. Every. Single. Time.

So long story short, things have been quite exciting over here for us and the 6 pound Lamb Chop (she came with that name....which we promptly shortened to Chopstar or Choppers). JL has been quite understanding what with all the wee and fleas about (and has thus retained his Rockstar Boyfriend Status).

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

JL just bought me a fishing pole....and its pink!

In response to my receiving such a lovely gift we had the following conversation*:

Me: I love it and cannot wait to get out there to show those fish a thing or two.

JL: I'm so glad. It was on sale.

Me: I'm pretty sure I'll catch a few just because my rod is so fashionable.

JL: Oh, yes I'm sure.

Me. .....and I'm sure the pink color will lull those snappers into a sense of wonder and acceptance of their fate. I mean, who wouldn't want to be snagged by such a beautiful object.

JL: Fish are color blind babe.

* NO WE DIDN'T. I JUST MADE THIS UP. But I did have the whole conversation (both sides) in my head so in some weird and twisted reality it actually did happen.

Falling in love is NOT the hardest thing....the conference room floor might well be however!

This is not meant to be a physics lesson because....well, basically because I've never taken physics and if I really had to think I about it I don't think I'd even be able to define "physics" let alone educate anyone on any aspect of it. However, Wikipedia (that great source of ALL knowledge) assures me that gravity is an essential component to the study of physics, and since gravity has recently become an important part of my life I would like to tell you a few things about it.

Firstly, gravity is the natural phenomenon by which all mass is attracted to each other.

Secondly, falling is descent under gravity.

Since I have mass....and the conference room floor has mass.....the obvious deduction from the above statements is that we (the conference room floor and I) would be "attracted to one another" and falling is simply gravity's cute little way of getting us together.

On the other hand, the stiletto heel caught in the rung of a chair, the mug of orange juice flying across the room and bouncing off the table, the knees skidding against the carpet, and the sound waves (read: shrieks) rebounding off the walls (which all accompanied the act of falling) appear to be subject to different physical laws (though gravity appears to operate in some respects as well).* In the same vein, the knee the size of a bowling ball, the goose egg bruises and the subsequent inability to walk following the above encounter with gravity I think are more proper for an anatomy lesson.

If you've come to the conclusion that I, as a student of science (hahahah), tested the theory of gravity out myself recently, you'd be right. But only in the name of Truth, Justice and the American Way (wait, that might have been Superman's motto)! Either way, I'm here to tell you....conclusively....that gravity does, in fact, exist!**

Freaking gravity.

PS - According to certain sources, I might not have fallen because of gravity...it might have been God! Check this link out for a stunningly circular dissertation on why gravity, in fact, does not exist (Proof that gravity is an evil lie from satan (the devil)). And please watch out for the description of gravitons as "fairy folk". I particularly like the little drawing!

* Such as a body at rest tends to stay at rest (heel caught in the rung of the chair).
** ....and a bag of frozen corn kernels definitely helps with the swelling afterwards.

Adopt-A-Dog

In an effort not to be completely selfish and self-absorbed, I am going to be a foster mom to a homeless dog beginning on December 27th! It's a great program where you take over the care of a dog that has been abandoned/lost until it gets adopted. Since Lucy doesn't arrive until February at the earliest and I have the dog friendly apartment I figured I have a moral responsibility to help some poor helpless creature find a new home (after all, that's how I got Lucy). Plus, I get to have a dog!*

So, I'm taking suggestions for Adopt-A-Dog's semi-permanent name. As we don't know (a) what kind of dog he/she is, (b) what sex he/she is or (c) what color, shape, texture or other descriptive quality he/she may have, all suggestions will have to be based upon other factors. I don't know what.....that's why I'm asking!

So, please help. Otherwise I'm going to be at the dog park yelling "Here, Adopt-A-Dog, here, Adopt-a-Dog" and/or "Adopt-A-Dog! Stop peeing on that man's leg!" Could get rather embarrassing, though on second thought, good advertisement!

* JL is convinced that Adopt-A-Dog is soon going to become "Adopted-by-Kristen-and-John-Dog" but I have determined to stand strong (hahahahahah, fat chance). :)

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat....

The Christmas season is upon us....even here down under....and I have to admit that I'm having the tiniest bit of trouble adjusting. There are various reasons for this but the first is that IT'S SUMMER! And its hot. I mean, growing up in Southern California it wasn't unusual to have a warm Christmas (I distinctly remember the neighbor girl riding her new bicycle up and down our street in just shorts (i.e., no top of any kind)), but it was still, seasonally, winter. The difference really struck home for me when I was reading a magazine that was describing how to put together a beach themed Christmas dinner. Seriously. Conch shells and all.

Some other notable differences:

* Since Thanksgiving doesn't exist here (if you don't know the reasons why, I will ask you to please stop reading this and pick up a history book immediately) and Halloween is pretty much a non-event (see earlier posts), Christmas decorations have been up since the beginning of October. So we've skipped the paper mache ghosts and hand shaped turkeys and gone straight to the fake evergreens and motorized Santa Clauses.

* The Christmas stocking is replaced by the Christmas pillowcase. Maybe a little greedy, but very smart! My mom sent me off with my stocking, however, so I'll continue in the Hansen family tradition of leaving a stocking for Santa (though I'm thinking of slowly adding dimensions to my stocking each year until its the size of a pillowcase....I mean if Santa is that generous and all, I certainly want a piece of the action!).*

* Pecan/pumpkin/apple pies are replaced by the Christmas Pudding. I haven't yet determined exactly what this is other than (1) it "lives forever"**, (2) has various items of dried fruit in it, (3) you can buy it in a small burlap sack(?) and (4) its boiled! JL LOVES his mom's Christmas Pudding so I'm looking forward to figuring this particular tradition out.***

* Evergreen trees don't really exist in Australia so the idea of having a large cut Christmas tree shedding pine needles all over your living room is relatively new (i.e., friends of ours bought their first one ever this year....and they're in their 30s). Instead families tend to have a potted evergreen type bush which they keep all year round and drag in for the holidays. Environmentally kind, I agree, but what about the process of going to the lot, and picking your Christmas tree out while drinking watery apple cider????

* Apparently, sometimes Santa arrives on a surfboard. I don't know how/when he learned to surf and he sure doesn't seem to be in shape for it, but nonetheless he does. Mrs. Clause must be so proud.

All that being said, Christmas here is essentially the same....loads of shopping, kids barely sleeping the night before, and lots of time with family/friends eating unto sickness. And of course, all the truly important things that you remember at the holidays.... And I'm looking forward to doing it Aussie-style! But I have to admit, I'm REALLY looking forward to Boxing Day! Again, I'm not sure what we're celebrating/honoring (though I'll do some research and fill you in) but I DO know that we get a whole extra day off work where you can sit around and eat! Now that's something to be merry about!

PS -- The Christmas Card pictured above is the only one I'm sending out this year....SO MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! If you aren't happy about this think back to last year, when my Christmas cards went out in February! This, at least, is a timely distribution! :)

* Santa has clearly been favoring Australian children for years. Plus, my mother has left strict instructions that Santa (i.e., JL) is to continue to fill my stocking even though I'm in Australia. "Santa" is very excited, I'm sure.
** Direct quote from JL, December 16, 2007.
*** One thing that has me a little nervous....JL says that if you don't eat all the Christmas pudding you just let it dry out and then boil it again the next year......

Australia in the News....

I was sitting quietly on my couch with Lucy on one of my last nights in New York when lo and behold the nightly news (Fox News, natch*) actually mentioned Australia.....and without there having to be an Olympic event going on.

And here is the story that made it:

"Taunting Thieves Steal 17 Tons of Ham, Bacon in Australia"

Definitely, DEFINITELY, check it out here. I mean, its worth the click. Not because the story itself is so interesting (though it really is.....) but because I'm frankly astounded that of all the things going on in Australia, THIS is the story that got reported.

Fox News folks....as their catch phrase goes... "We report. You decide."**

* I had to look this up, but "natch" means "naturally" ..... natch. I suspect there must be a degree of sarcasm involved.

** If you think this is some kind of political judgement on Fox News, you should note that I first learned about Britney and K-Fed's pending divorce from CNN.com (headline news, ladies and gentlemen)....

*** ABSOLUTELY funniest response to this report....."At least the note didn't say Happy Hanukkah."

Halloween

So far, the only thing I don't like about Australia is the fact that no one celebrates Halloween! I'm not sure why, they just don't. The BEST HOLIDAY IN THE WORLD....and it was pretty much ignored. I should add, this is just my personal opinion as I really don't expect other nations to take American holidays....but I MISSED IT! And that made me really sad....

So instead of celebrating Halloween myself, I'll just have to post a photo of my friend Eli at a Halloween party. I think its a classic.

Apparently he thinks he's Clark Kent......or Superman.... Though I'm not sure I've ever seen Superman with a Bud Light in his hand (wait...TWO Bud Lights in his hands).......or with that particular expression on his face.

* The other person is Eli's friend Hollie. I think she's Velma....but I'm not sure.

** For additional photos from Hollie's Blog see here.

Moses (I couldn't help myself)

The Love of My Life

LUCY!

*If you want to see Lucy's adoption story and how she won "Cocker Spaniel of the Month", click here.

Hello Sydney....

Well, I'm saying Goodbye to New York....but Hello to Sydney! Things I am looking forward to about living in Sydney:

* My great apartment in Kirribilli.
* Warm weather.
* Australian politics (yes, they do exist)
* Wearing shorts on Christmas.
* Lamb roasts and meat pies (I've become a convert)
* Taking the ferry to work.
* Joining the yacht club and learning to sail a skiff
* Riding my wicked witch of the west bike
* JL, JL, JL!

And to all my loved ones out there, I'm still only a plane flight away (particularly from Cali) so hop onboard and come visit! Open invitation but you must bring gifts! :)

Stacy's Black Eye

In response to my sister Debbie's request in her blog (see http://www.debztalkin.blogspot.com/) I will tell the story of "Stacy's Black Eye".

I went to college in Utah, and Stacy was my best friend and roommate. We used to do everything together. One day we went to the mall and after hours of "window shopping" (we were poor students) we were hungy. So we went to the food court to get some potato chips and a gossip magazine to read while eating them. As it was a really busy day at the mall we had to share seating so we sat at a table with some random man and put the chips between us. All of a sudden, this man reached across the table and ate one of our chips. We were in total shock, but how do you say to someone, "ummm, excuse me, I think you're eating our chips", so instead, Stacy just ate one herself. We sat there for a little while in silence pretending to read our magazine with the air thick with tension. And can you believe it...he ate another one! So Stacy ate another one....and then he ate another one, and then Stacy! They went back and forth with this for a while until they were all gone and then the man stood up and walked away. Stacy and I looked at each other in shocked awe, and then burst out laughing. That is, until we picked up our magazine and realized that our bag of chips was underneath!

I was so angry I punched her in the eye (see picture below)!

THIS STORY IS A TOTAL FABRICATION....every ounce of it. Stacy's black eye was actually caused by me trying to get out of the backseat of a hatchback car and her eye getting in the way of my flailing elbows. Poor girl. She still likes me though....I think!

Goodbye New York

This is my last weekend living in New York, probably forever. While I'm really happy about the direction my life is taking, I am feeling a little nostalgic. I will definitely miss the following:

* My friends! The best in the world.....
* Lupa (Mario Batali restaurant two blocks from my house).
* How you can order anything for delivery....including dog food.
* The first snowfall (before any traffic drives in it, yuck).
* My little apartment, above a bar, in Soho.
* The plethora of taxis!
* Ben's Pizzeria.
* Going out to dinner at 10 pm, and still needing a reservation.
* Having "locals". (I.e., a local bar, a local bodega, a local restaurant...where people know me.)
* The homeless man who begs for change outside my local market....we always have an....interesting...interaction.

But mostly I'll just miss the place that's been my home for almost 8 years. The first place I lived alone. The place I found Lucy. The place I started my career!

New York is difficult, and that's why you have to love it. When I first moved here a friend of mine said, if you can make it here you can make it anywhere. I'm not sure that's factually true, but it FEELS true! I've been lost, verbally abused, threatened on the street with a lamp and lived in the ghetto. I've also chased a cab down the street shoeless, slipped and fallen more times than I can count on icy streets and struggled to sleep through the thumping bass from the bar downstairs. But....I made it! I even made it onto the jumbo screens in Times Square (see below)!




So goodbye to the place of my adult emancipation. I'll always love you!

XOXO

32

Sooo, I am turning 32 years old on Monday. Yup....thirty...freaking...two. I'm frankly astounded that I'm so old! When did that happen. So far, the only thing that has kept me from throwing myself off the Harbour Bridge (besides how cold the water would be!) is knowing that JL is working on 36!*

Anyway, in attempting to work through my angst at turning thirty...freaking....two, I've come up with the following reasons why this year is going to be THE BEST:

1. 32 is Magic Johnson's basketball number.....I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but I'm taking it as a good omen.

2. I'm finally moving out of the tiniest apartment in the world and into a real adult apartment....with a garden!

3. I no longer have to shave my legs every day. I mean, really. Who cares?

4. Children have to listen to me. Not that they do.... But still, its something.....

5. My boyfriend can wear a Hawaiian shirt to go out on the weekend (ala, an 82 year old Floridian retiree). I'm not sure what that has to do with me, other than it probably wouldn't have happened when I was 23!**


* Not that JL is miserable. In fact, he seems very well adjusted to his oldness. :)

** He actually looked really cute (which he knows), but I'm having a hard time thinking up anything good about being 32 so this is going to have to count. Plus, I don't iron, as my mother can attest to, so sometimes end up wearing bizarre outfits myself.

Meat Raffle?

In the great Aussie tradition, last Wednesday night JL won THIS at the pub:

Oh, yes. This IS a tray of meat, and he won this tray of meat in a raffle at his local pub the Nags Head. The most, ummm, interesting thing about this is that he had a choice between the above and a $50 gift certificate.......But as he explained to me, the meat tray is a "great Aussie tradition".*

Since I had to carry this home, I was very glad we only had to walk across the street to get there....carrying a platter of raw meat under my arm at 11 p.m. was a little strange....

But long story short, look how HAPPY he is!!!!

Oh, the joy of meat!

* And as I explained in return, in the great "American tradition" I would be happy to eat it!

"I may be crazy, but it keeps me from going insane" or a stroll through the Royal Botanical Gardens

I'm in NY right now, land of the crazies, BUT....I won't escape that simply by moving to Sydney. Last month, JL and I decided that instead of walking straight back from my office to my apartment, we would take a nice stroll through the Royal Botanical Gardens. It was a lovely night, and the first day of daylight savings time, so even at 6:45 p.m. it was still warm and sunny out. What a nice idea right??

Wrong.

We saw beautiful, rare plants from around the world, huge fruit bats, great views of the harbour AND..... a woman, randomly screaming her head off among some reeds.....with her pants down around her ankles.*

To top it off, we got LOCKED in the garden and couldn't get out! Let me tell you, the fruit bats don't look so cute when they're taking to wing in the dark and you're stuck in a wooded area with a crazy woman.

Luckily we found a nice ranger to direct us to the last open exit....unluckily for us the crazy woman didn't and hunted US down for them. Strangely, her request for directions was quite polite....and even more unnerving since as soon as she got them, she began screaming again!**

To top it off, I failed to get even one decent photo of the bats. I did get the below, but as you can see, they kind of fail to show....well....anything really.

*Please don't be disappointed, but I failed to get a picture of that!

** JL assured me he knew defensive tactics and could have protected me in the event of an altercation.....which....of course....I believed.

The Century Egg

As many of you already know*, I was recently sent to Hong Kong for 5 days for work. Luckily for me, it was over a weekend, so JL jetted over and we spent a couple of days doing the tourist thing. Truth be told, I had pretty low expectations of Hong Kong** so I was pleasantly surprised to find that I really enjoyed being there (other than the work part). While I could give you a play by play description of what I did and saw every day, that would take forever, so I'll just give you the Sports Center version....

THE PENINSULA PAIN

JL in front of the notorious
Peninsula Hotel....

The Kowloon Peninsula, just a ferry ride from Hong Kong Island, is the home to a venerable old British hotel by the name of the Peninsula Hotel. Apparently it is quite famous for its high tea and is a "must see" when you're in Hong Kong. Well JL and I, hearing that it could be a bit uppity (or "upmarket" as they say in Oz), got ourselves to our hotel one afternoon, showered, changed (I put on a pink and white striped sundress) and headed over there to experience this civilized society tradition. BUT.....we were refused service.....because I was wearing FLIP FLOPS! Mind you, there were loads of fatties in khaki capris and hiking boots lounging all over that place! Yet, when I pointed this out to the concierge I was simply informed that it was "about the shoes." Needless to say, I left if a huff and determined that the Peninsula Hotel would not be getting our business again (fyi, I'm sure they're crushed).

THE FOOD FRENZY

Where can you get various and random parts of a cow mixed in with noodles and spicy sauce AND eggs that are 1000 years old****? You got it....Hong Kong!

The "Mixed Beef Noodle Soup" was ordered by me at a tiny little hole in the wall restaurant in Kowloon. The "mixed beef" portion turned out to consist of beef brisket, beef tendon***, stomach and intestines. And, much to JL's disgust, I ate it. (POP QUIZ: At this same hole in the wall restaurant I peed into a hole in the ground and I stuck my gum in the bill. Which do you think was socially acceptable and which garnered looks of disapproval from the restaurant workers? Did you say gum? Makes you wonder.)

If you look closely you can see a piece of stomach and a piece of intestine on the spoon.

But note how much is missing! I ate a LOT.

And then there were the Century Eggs which were given to JL and I as a pre-dinner appetizer one night. Let me just say, that while I am adventurous eater (see above), when these eggs were set down in front of me I really couldn't imagine putting them in my mouth (actually, I couldn't imagine what they WERE....we had to have it explained to us which was quite embarrassing.....).

Photo of the Century Egg - cut in half. Yes...it DOES look like rancid finger jello!

JL eating it. The half-eaten egg. Me!

The best part of this story is that the Century Egg tasted like.................egg. Yup. Hard boiled, regular old, eat 'em with toast, egg. There is a historical reason why people eat these, and make them, but as I have limited space, read about it yourself here.)

PIG ON A TRAM

Final story.....one morning JL and I decided to take the historical "tram to the peak". This was, in essence, a way to get to the highest point of Hong Kong Island and take in the views. In the end, the views were lovely (despite the smog!) but JL and I had to endure the following annoyances:

1. The longest line ever.
2. A wasp that kept attacking us while waiting in the longest line ever.
3. Heat and me whining about the heat (really only JL had to endure this. You know I actually got out of line and went and sat in the shade while JL patiently waited in the sun and in the heat....who's a sucker now, huh?).

and finally.....

4. The Russians!

I am very sorry for how this is going to sound (i.e., stereotypical and something-ist (I don't think racist....maybe ethnicist?). I don't mean to be, but these had to have been THE RUDEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. There was a fat one, a medium sized one, and a girl. They were wearing head to toe designer clothes....with the designers name printed all over everything. They tried to cut us in line when we were the last people in the line. And they SUCCEEDED in cutting us in line when we were at the front. Poor JL (who actually had to stand in line). In true JL fashion, he expressed himself with strong emotion.... He called the cutter a "pig". My own description of the man was a little more colorful....but I'll keep that to myself for now!

*Which would imply that "many" people read this blog! Hahahahahahah!

** This is purely based on a certain ex-boyfriend's experiences. I should have realized I couldn't trust his opinions (he's one of those listed in the previous post)!

*** You know I actually really love beef tendon. And check out what this person has to say:

"A good piece of beef tendon is a thing of beauty. A perfectly braised piece of beef tendon has the power to make the world around me seem beautiful even when it’s falling apart. The texture of diligently and affectionately braised tendon is transcendental. Its mucilaginous coating and firm yet gelatinous bulk force my eyeballs upwards into an ecstatic
examination of my eyelids."

I think this person might be a little....off.

**** As if these were really 1000 years old...... they were probably like a week old. Check out that link for the recipe on how to make them yourself!

Why I'm Not Married

This post is for my Mother....who wants to know WHY I AM NOT MARRIED. Here is the answer....

I have dated the following guys (just the highlights):

1. Prescription Drug Addict Guy
2. Bulimic Guy
3. The Guy Who Stood Me Up Because He Was in Jail.
4. The "I Love You But I Just Can't Commit" Guy
5. The "No Wife of Mine Will Ever {insert activity here}" Guy
6. The Guy Who Freaks Out when You Spill Water (plain water) on the Carpet
7. The "Let's Get Married After 2 Dates" Guy
8. The Guy with No Toes
9. The Guy Who Couldn't Tell Me Where He Worked (read: CIA)
10. The Whiney Guy
11. The "I Can't Make a Decision on What To Eat For Dinner Without Your Input" Guy

AND FINALLY

12. The Walk Into the Bar and Find Him Making Out With Someone Else Guy!

Frankly, I'd rather be the crazy cat lady.

* For further information on any of the above, which I assure you, all really happened, send me a comment and I'll fill you in. You should note, these are just highlights....there have been loads of others. Of course, JL is not included in the above....at least not yet!

Bogong Moth Update II (i.e., the Hong Kong Migration)

I have a confession to make.....JL and I may have single handedly caused the infiltration of the Australian Bogong Moth into Hong Kong. It wasn't on purpose....I promise you that. But it cannot be denied that at least two Bogong Moths did stowaway in our luggage (unbeknowst to us)....and did happen to break free and fly away upon our arrival (and unpacking) in Hong Kong.*

I see two main problems with this, which is why I would like to ask each of you to keep this "confession" to yourselves:

1. I did not declare the Bogongs at customs. I assume there must be some type of quarantine situation for the importation of moths? And/or some kind of duty to be paid? I don't know (and I'm not checking now!) but I certainly didn't do either of those things.... and I don't know if I'm up to a stint in Chinese prison....

2. If in 10 years time, China is swarming with a plague of moths, I'll know it started with the two moths that hitched in in my Pierre Cardin (bought on eBay) luggage.

On the bright side, Hong Kong is pretty hot and humid, which I don't think the Bogongs like (see earlier post) and they did escape into the Ritz Carlton Hotel, which everyone knows, is difficult to leave at the best of times. Perhaps they'll just stay there, eating the chocolates that come on the pillow with the nightly turn down service and letting the Bath Butler run them nightly "Relaxation" or "Chinese Herbal" baths.** The Bogongs have been so busy plauging the Aussie's lately....they could probably use the stress relief!

* JL killed at least one other moth that was hiding in his shoe. Poor thing must have died a horrible death since JL walked around on him for almost an entire afternoon before finally giving into the "what the h-ll is in my shoe", stopping in the street, and pulling out a dead moth. I was mildly nauseated to say the least. It just goes to prove the old adage, if there's a rock in your shoe GET IT OUT cause it might be a moth....yick.

** The Bath Butler at the Ritz Carlton is a real thing. Check it out. Crazy!

In Defense of Lawyers

I've been a pretty poor blogger this past couple of weeks because I have been getting crushed at work (literally, crushed).... Case in point, I've been sent to Hong Kong for the past 5 days to close a deal and have been working til 5 a.m. every night! So apologies, and I'll get better....

In Defense of Lawyers

My father hates lawyers....with good reason I'll add. But, as I AM a lawyer, I would like to make the following points in their defense:

1. We don't WANT to work til 5 a.m. every night pushing paper for whiney clients....we do it because whiney clients work til 5 p.m., when they send the information over to us and say, "can we please have a draft of this by 9 a.m. tomorrow" -- then they go out for dinner.*

2. Clients set the pay scale....they basically want us to be available 24 hours/7 days a week.....think of how much you'd have to pay a plumber for that kind of service. You want me to work on Christmas? Fine, but you'll pay for it.

3. Yes, we're mean, yes we're grouchy, yes, we'll push a grandma in front of a moving vehicle if it gets us to that meeting on time....BUT....we've also subsisted on 2.5 hours of sleep per night since leaving law school. Caffeine has become the foundation of the food pyramid.

4. We're out of shape, unhealthy, tired, stressed, living on caffeine, living with ulcers, lonely (since we can never maintain friendships) and unkept (since, truly, showers are optional).....long story short, we're miserable, stressed-out secretaries, at the beck and call of people who are only concerned with themselves.

Yet STILL, we're the butt of hundreds and hundreds of lawyer jokes** and the recipients of true animosity (bordering on hatred). My point? Give the lawyers a break. We're miserable too.....

* "Please" in this scenario, actually means, you will do this, and you will like it, or we will fire you and hire {Blank} law firm instead.....

** See Lawyer Jokes.

Why I'm Glad I'm Not an Old Man

We just got a new associate in our office. She's young. She's thin. She's very pretty. (She's also called Robin.) Plus she has a cute Texas/German accent (I know, but it works)!

We also have an older, grey-haired, male partner in our office.

I just overheard this conversation:

Partner: Robin....Rob.....Ob.....Bin.....
Robin: errr, yes?
Partner: Does anyone ever call you anything but Robin?
Robin: Hmmmm, not really, no.
Partner: Really? Never?
Robin: Umm, no. Just Robin.
Partner: Not even Rob?
Robin: Err, ummm, nope, just Robin.
Partner: Hehe, I'll call you Rob then!
Robin: Ummm, ok....

Why can Old Men get away with anything? I wanted to smack him and say, you're old, you're gray, you're married! You can't flirt with a pretty Texas/German girl when your skills are out of date by 3 decades!

But I didn't.

Next time for sure.

Aussie Sayings

The below are some Aussie sayings I learned from JL:

"brekky" - breakfast
"chuff" - very proud (i.e., he was "chuffed" with himself)
"how you going" -- how are you today?
"swish" - fancy
"upmarket" - uppity
"cuppa" - drink of some sort but most usually a cup of tea
"piss" - alcohol (yuck)
"champers" - champagne
"roadie" - take one (of anything) for the road
"the dog's breakfast" - crap (not literally, but more like, this section of your article is the dog's breakfast (crappy))
"puffed" - out of breath
"tracky decks" -- sweatpants
"DTs" -- speedo type bathing suits
"slapper" -- slutty woman
"tosser" -- jerk (man)
"hand on it" -- wanker
"wanker" - jerk/idiot (man)
"ping" - email (as in "ping him")
"arvo" - afternoon
she'll be "apples" - everything will be alright
"daggy" -- looks bad (but usually addressed to someone you like)
a "dill" -- someone who's not too smart
"garbo" - garbage collector
"good-on-ya" - congratulatory or sarcastic remark (depending on the tone of the voice)
"prezzie" - present

Yeah... I know its confusing. That's why I'm giving you this handy little list. Because you know you'll need it someday!

Bogong Moth Update

As it turns out, my mother was actually disappointed at the lack of pictures of the Bogong Moth. So here's to you Mom:







Update: they must be managing to get into my apartment through a vent or something because I got home last night and it was like a Bogong House Party. And they actually seemed offended that I was there. I'm thinking about charging rent.

For another person's interesting (and very accurate) take on moths, please see her I Hate Moths website. It's a very good read.

Bogong Moth Damper

We are now in the midst of the great Bogong Moth Migration. What this means practically is that I came home from work today, and there was JL, standing in the hallway, with the door wide open, practically swarmed with these dang moths. They were everywhere -- clinging to his hair, perched on his shoulder, divebombing the neighbors (that part was funny). We then spent the next 2 hours alternately crushing them with a dustpan, and charging them with a can of bug spray. In all honesty, I think we must have killed or captured and released over 60 of these things (and this is in my tiny tiny apt (see previous post)).

Poor JL.

Anyway, to make a long story short, after such a fun filled evening* I really felt the need to come and do a little internet research and here are the fun facts I found out:

1. Bogong Moths migrate over 1000 km every year.
2. In certain ancient caves, the floors are covered metres high with dead moth bodies.
3. A Bogong Moth even starred in the closing ceremony of the Sydney 2000 Olympics, when it perched on opera singer Yvonne Kenny during her performance.

BUT HERE IS THE KICKER.....

4. PEOPLE EAT THEM.

Oh yes. They do. In fact, I found this handy little recipe right there on google:

Bogong Moth Damper
Before arsenic** found its way into the moths, they made a fine dinner. Here's a modern adaptation of an ancient recipe.

A generous handful of moths
1 cup plain flour
1 cup self-raising flour
1 cup powdered milk
1/4 teaspoon raising agent
water

Using a mortar and pestle (or near equivalent) pound up the moths with the powdered milk. Mix in the remaining dry ingredients. Add sufficient water to make a stiff dough and shape into a ball. Flatten the ball to a height of 2.5 centimetres, lightly flour the surface and cook in ash, camp oven, or domestic oven until cooked through. Serve hot.

I really wish we hadn't of gotten rid of all those dead moths now (JL sucked them up with the dustbuster). Could have made a fantastic feast!

Excuse me while I go vomit.

* Actually, it was a little bit fun....I particularly liked it when JL, standing in the kitchen with the dustpan in one hand and the bug spray in the other, announced "I am Praying Mantis." I don't know what that means exactly, but it was sure funny.

** Arsenic????....YOU'RE EATING A MOTH FOR CRAP'S SAKE! I would think you would welcome death after that.

The Lilliputian Palace

I have lived in some small apartments in my time. I guess its the old joke about New York, but those of you who are not actually New Yorkers have no idea how bad of a joke it really is.

First, there was the apartment in Clinton Hills, Brooklyn (and with no intentions of offending anyone I do have to add, that it was in the ghetto -- and really, shouldn't you at least get a decent size apartment when you're living in the ghetto??). My bedroom in this apartment was tiny. Really, almost nonexistent. Let's put it this way, I had a futon, and when I folded it out, it took up the entire room. And the TV was in the closet!

Then there was the second Brooklyn apartment, this one in Brooklyn Heights which is, ostensibly, the "nice" part of town. This one was so small it only had a mini-size fridge in it! I'm talking the mini-bar variety like you see in some of the better hotels. If you put some OJ and yogurt in there it was a tight squeeze.

Finally, there is my current New York apartment. It's definitely a step up from the earlier two (and is in Soho which I adore) but to make my point, my pup Lucy doesn't even have to lift her head to watch me walk from one end to the other.* Yes, its that small.

But all of that pales in comparison to the apartment I'm living in in Sydney. It is the smallest apartment I've ever lived in......tiny....miniscule. Yesterday there was a moth on the chair across the room and I felt crowded.** It is so small that the kitchen sink (and accompanying dishdrying area) IS IN THE LIVING ROOM. Yep, just sticking right out of the wall. The kitchen, on the other hand, is in the small hall you walk through as you come in the door. To tell you the truth, I'm not actually sure why they bothered with the kitchen sink....after all, you can reach the bathroom sink, turn on the taps, and fill a saucepan with water all while stirring the pasta sauce on the stove. It is THAT small. To illuminate my point, here is a picture from the website that pushes this Lilliputian palace:

Does this look spacious to you? Please note the kitchen sink to the far left of the picture. Oh, and this had to have been taken with someone standing ON the couch, back pressed against the windows. Basically, this is the whole apartment. For more pics see here.

Now what I don't understand is WHY? Australia is the 6th largest country in the world (by pure land mass territory) but it only has the 53rd largest population. Seriously, it's not for a lack of space! Spread out people. The rest of the world is waiting for you.

Oh and HERE IS THE BEST PART....ITS $800 A WEEK! No joke. Someone should be sued. Thank goodness I'm a lawyer!***

* She does though. In fact, she will follow me from the living room, to the bedroom, to the kitchen, to the bathroom and back to the living room. All of which amounts to about 10 steps.

** For some reason there has been a moth infestation the last couple of days. Trust me, its worth its own blog so you'll see it sometime soon.

*** My company pays for it so I really shouldn't complain. It's the principle of the thing though....I mean really!

The Big 4

It was Labor Day in Australia this past Monday which meant a NATIONAL HOLIDAY (well actually, it wasn't national as some states don't get it....I couldn't begin to tell you why though I'm assured it has something to do with horse racing)!

That being said, JL and I decided to take advantage of the day off work and head down to Kangaroo Valley for a night of camping (and Wombat hunting). The highlights of the trip include the following:

* Arriving 45 minutes before dark even though its only a 3 hour trip from Sydney.
* Having small disagreement when JL decides to drive randomly (and slowly!) through the campground looking for the perfect campsite before returning to the first one I pointed out.
* Attempting to set up the BIGGEST TENT EVER MADE.
* Attempting to set up the BIGGEST TENT EVER MADE lengthwise into gale-force winds.
* Having the biggest tent ever made's poles snap in half (according to my predictions and in direct contradiction to JL's vehement assertions that "these tents are made for tough conditions").
* Hearing JL curse and swear before promptly getting his hand pinched into the snapped tent pole after which the cursing and swearing promptly redoubled.*
* Repacking the car (in the dark) and driving to civilization (motel in Berry).

Still it ended up being a great weekend as I managed to spot the Big 4:

1. Red Kangaroos.

2. Wombats.

3. Echidnas (did you know, only one of two surviving monotremes**).

4. Pippys.


OK, maybe those aren't the official Big 4 and yes, a Pippy is a mollusk....but I still found them all in the wilds of Australia (or at least the wilds of the Australian national park system) within a 24 hour period! JL was also very proud of the Echidna spotting as it was from a moving vehicle (though I incorrectly shouted "hedgehog" when I saw it meandering along the side of the road). I did manage to get some real photos of each of the above as well (other than the kangas who are notoriously cagey***) which I will post one of these days.

* Note: Artistic license has been taken -- JL is actually quite a calm person, so swearing and cursing really meant a bit of mumbling under his breath, small frustrated sighs and half-hearted attempts at keeping an up-beat attitude. Let's be honest, this is rather boring (though a lovely way to deal with stress), so I've decided that since this was, in fact, JL's version of "cursing and swearing" I was free to refer to it as such.

** Taught to me by JL who seems to know everything about everything -- granted, he was overly confident about the tent.....but I like to think of that as optimistic, rather than wrong.

*** An absolute lie. Kangaroos will lie there looking at you and cleaning their pouches until you are pretty much standing on top of them. But I missed the picture opportunity and this is MY blog after all.....